How to stop people from leaving.

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Hi all,

I'm new to the forum and was diagnosed with high functioning autism when it was still in the DSM. Sorry if this is not where we are supposed to post first. I have been having a hard time as a 29 year old male with autism. It never seems to be an issue with friends, they accept me for who I am and are generally supportive. My biggest problem is with relationships. I have gone through a string of bad relationships that have left me with a lot of abandonment issues and have left me feeling less than optimal about my autism. I notice myself studying people, watching their behaviors, categorizing people into different personality types, and begin to mimic these behaviors and ways in order to kind of keep people around. It seems like when I'm myself, people eventually get fed up and leave. It's left me feeling like I'm not good enough as is, so I act in ways that I think people want me to act. Obviously, this is a problem because it is not sustainable.
I try my best in relationships and end up bending over backwards for my significant other in order to keep them from leaving, but when I need something or emotional support, it's not reciprocated. How do I stop this? I always feel like someone is going to leave and that they find my autism a burden or always look at my like I'm weird. It's a terrible feeling and I just would like a little advice for the future because I really need to stop this from happening. Thanks to everyone in advance.

Stop trying so hard to "make someone" not leave. Just enjoy spending time with them.

Copying behaviors is OK, up to a point.

Up to the point that you're copying destructive behaviors just to be accepted.

Up to the point that you're lying through your teeth.

Up to the point that you're doing things you profoundly disagree with, that you're profoundly uncomfortable with, that outright do not work for you.

"Bending over backwards" for people is good. Altruism is good. We need more of it in the world.

Again, up to a point.

Up to the point that you're exhausting yourself without replenishment.

Up to the point that you resent the living hell out of it.

Up to the point that there's no reciprocation, however small.

Then it's not altruism, it's enabling. And enabling is not good for anyone. It allows destructive habits to continue for the enabled. It drains the enabler. It attracts to the enabler others who wish nothing more than to be enabled in continuing destructive behaviors.

Eventually, you have to figure that people are going to come into your life. Some are going to stay, and some are going to leave. And unless you've done something profoundly messed up, or not made a basic effort to be kind and considerate, or not made a reasonable effort to keep a checkrein on the autism, to the ones who leave, you say, "Via con Dios, man."

Or sometimes, "Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out."

It's easier said than done when you have mental patterns that skew you in one direction. Those I feel comfortable with, who I feel like I can act like myself around, I don't typically find interesting or someone I can hang out with on a regular basis. When I do, my cycles take over and I inevitably think I'm not good enough due to past experiences.

It is possible if you try to act a certain way that isn't natural for you some people initially fall for the act....then when they spend more time around you maybe they realize it was just a front and not how you really are if you don't constantly keep up the act. And how do you bend over backwards for your SO? Are they aware you feel you are bending over backwards? It is possible you smother them with too much bending over backwards...or it could be you maybe go out of your way to do something nice with a predetermined idea of what they ought to do in 'return' and are disappointed when they don't actually reciprocate the way you expected. Maybe acting more natural and just trying to enjoy spending time with someone would work better...I think also if someone is straining themselves trying to satisfy someone else it can cause tension which can certainly cause divides in relationships. But in the end sometimes people do still drift apart even if both parties are doing everything 'right' its not necessarily a lack of effort on your part to keep them around.

It's never ok to play roles in order to get into relationships. You will need to uphold them indefinitely if you do. So start by figuring out how you work naturally in the relationship area, and then look for people that work like you (yes, they do exist regardless of how odd you are).

Be yourself. Your friends like you for who you are, you have friends who don't always leave, which suggests your relationship skills are actually pretty good. If you're pretending to be someone you're not to get a girl, getting a girl on that basis and then getting dumped when you revert to being yourself... Well, there's the issue.

Regarding my SO, we're 15 years apart (she being older) and is going through a rough time in her life personally. I was there for her when she needed someone the most and she knows how I feel. She just always says she can't give me what I want, which is just to be shown equal respect and for her not to be hypocritical when things don't continue to go the way they always goes. She loves that I bend over backwards and wants to spend every free minute with me, but only if I'm the one doing the caregiving. Her father left at an early age at it's a bit obvious that she has abandonment and self esteem issues that she masks with a few things, sometimes alcohol. We're both well known in our industry and are both very busy with work most of the time, but I still manage to find time to cook, shop, clean, and be an emotional support system for her when things happen. I usually am that way, though. I'm a caregiver and always have been. It's just nice to feel as if I have at least a little support when things go awry on my end. She does best when I don't need her, and she tells me that, but we all like to feel, even if rarely, that someone will take care of us when we truly need it.

Yes. You should be -more- comfortable with your partner than your friends IMO.

I think there's something about learning roles and then trying to use them in a relationship where they will utterly fail as societal expectations and roles that are learned around those are not at all based around truth, honesty, and being oneself.

The OP also speaks of fear; worry that they will always be left alone. Fear kills relationships and exists outside of autism.