Unwittingly replying to girls like a rude as*hole.

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I actually think the little girl meant well.

I was in Trinidad once, and this nine-year-old girl came up to me and ask me "Why aren't you talking to anybody?" I think she sincerely wanted me to have a good time.

If I was a b***h about it, I would have deserved to be castigated for my attitude.

You are having a fight or flight response to strangers who approach you and talk to you. Try to recognize when you are getting anxious; it will help. Then you will realize that it is the anxiety bothering you, not the person and you will be able to focus on things that help you calm down.

I usually have a fight-or-flight response to strangers who approach me because it's so unlikely to mean anything good for me. At the very least, they'll forcefully waste my time, taking offence if I try to stop them. More often than not, they'll pressure me to do something I really don't want to, like further socialization. In short, I'll end up with more demands to meet "or else" than I had before, and even less in control of my life than I was. I could do without being constantly reminded what a disgusting and mentally diseased person I am simply for wanting to pursue my goals, devoting my time to what I choose to, like everyone else, thank you very much.

So, yeah, I wish they'd just leave me unpestered. Not that I expect it to happen, of course.

You're just repeating yourself. I don't complain about girls not liking me. I complained about a girl who accused me of demanding her to go out with her when I asked her to go out with me. When it comes to complaining I complain most of all about myself. To mangle a phrase, the fault, dear Peacesells lies not in my stars but in myself. When things go wrong it's usually a result of my own inexhaustible foolishness and that's what I complain about most of all.

As for me commenting on the little girl, that's not a dating related complaint. That's an observation that boys and girls of all ages make the mistake of thinking that 99% of people are just like them and the remaining 1% are defective when really 50% of people are just like them and the remaining 50% are just different.

So the point is not that some little girl would dare talk to a loner boy. I don't think that's so bad. If a little girl spoke to me it wouldn't make me mad. The thing that she actually said is more worrisome but it's not her fault she thinks everyone likes the same things she does.

The real underlying point of this is that it all stems from assumptions. People assume people are like them. Extroverts not only expect but assume you're extroverted. If you have a workaholic boss he will both expect and assume you like burning the midnight oil. People assume you like the same foods and brands and bands as you and if you don't there's something wrong with you. Hey, I'm guilty of doing that too. Plenty of times I've taunted Apple fans but I shouldn't because taste is subjective and you should never assume anything.

So you shouldn't assume I don't understand you just because I disagree with you and like I said, the girls I date and the girl in the cafeteria are two whole separate subjects. It's not as though I sit in a cafe, yelling at anyone who approaches me and then wonder why no girls have asked me out. Maybe that's what you were thinking but that's not what I do.

Imho you're overthinking it, maybe she just said it to break to ice to know him, or maybe she was just curious because most people don't eat alone. I don't really think she had an evil intent and surely it is not good to call her an "obnoxious little girl". Besides if someone is truly happy eating alone I don't see a reason to respond like that to a simple question. And if he's not happy eating alone, it surely won't help him to respond like that (infact he doesn't want to be rude anymore).
You're right that you didn't complain about them not liking you, but rather about them acting like as*holes. One more reason not to be rude to a girl who is not being an ass.

I have a similar problem. My default response to others who initiate contact was more of the nonverbal, passive/aggressive kind. I'd stare right through people, look away, and ignore what they said. I was afraid of most people, and especially males. Ironically, the more attractive the male was to me, the more intensely hostile I would appear. Anything, be it person or object, that inspires strong reactions in me threatens my self control, and triggers a defensive response.

I don't like hurting people's feelings, so eventually was able to see that my behaviour must change in order to prevent this outcome. I developed a format for changing my default response to people from a hostile one to a polite/neutral/open one. Although I didn't realize this at the time, what I did was a form of self-applied operant conditioning.

Here's what I did:

1) To reassure the other person and buy time, I programmed a distracted smile and 'questioning' look with palms slightly facing them, hands raised to hip or waist level. A nonverbal response that overrode my natural tendency to avoid and/or defend. Brief verbal additions to this might include "pardon I didn't catch that, what did you say?" or "how can I help you?" (if I was at work).

2) I study the facial expression/body language deliberately, and then rephrase/repeat what is said, or asked. I usually answer questions with the literal truth. For example, in the case of the 12 year old child who said "not eating with friends?" I might have said either "I like being alone when I eat" or "I don't have any friends". BUT I would have already smiled and softened/opened my body language so the statement would be less likely to appear stark, self pitying or hostile.

Now for how I trained these responses: by imagining, repeatedly, scenarios where they would be needed, and then imagining the desired outcome happening as a result. In my case, the desired outcome is often that the person go on their way and leave me alone, but I want them to go away happy, or at least not pissed of or unhappy. Then, I put the responses to work on the outside world and tested them. The more I practiced, the more natural the learned responses appeared.

I also developed an internal habit of questioning my first impression. I ask "could this person just want directions?" or "are they just naturally friendly and outgoing" or "maybe they are bored or lonely" etc. Instead of going with my default reaction which usually is something along the lines of "what the f*ck do they want"? That is a panic reaction, related to the overwhelming anxiety and inadequacy I feel in all social situations, not an actual assumption about people that is based in my lived experience.

Anyway, just trying to give helpful, practical programming tips to a fellow sufferer, hope that they help some, but if not, I won't take it personally

Yes however depending on what you said to the person to provoke them to beat you up...you could end up with a harassment charge...if it can at all be construed as verbal abuse.

To the OP, how do you respond to guys who talk to you?....If it is less rude than how you respond to girls, maybe try to respond that way.

DP1 is basically me 8 years ago.
And I still often react like that.

For me it was (and kinda is) primarily a defense mechanism to not get bullied or screwed over and keep aforementioned self-control. I wasn't ready to open up to anyone 8 years ago.

@Varelse Interesting.

Doing something you regret is far more common among us.
I bet you won't make the same mistake.

^ If he's like me, he will.

(((Earthling)))

I cannot bet..

Isn't it amazing how many misunderstandings can be prevented by a hug? I mean, in the rare cases in which the hug itself doesn't count as assault, of course.

Swearing should be eliminated from most conversation. Even if you asked "What do you want?" in an aggravated tone, it is no where near as rude as adding coarse language. Drop that and you will improve your interactions with people a significant amount.

Swearing wouldn't exist if it didn't have a purpose.

I have noticed that swearing works very well in banter with friends under certain circumstances.
But it depends a lot on context, intonation and such.

It's easy to mess that up for the socially inept.