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bluegill
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02 Dec 2015, 7:20 pm

My girlfriend and I are roommates; we are renting a small house. About a week ago, she asked if she could host a "sex toy party" at our residence. It means many people will be at our house that I don't know, and I will not be allowed to be in the house for several hours, possibly late into the evening, among other uncertainties. I am uncomfortable that she might disclose information about our sex life that I do not want other people to know. All of this made me anxious and upset. I told her "I don't know." and we stopped talking about it shortly after. We didn't talk about it further.

Today, on Facebook, I found that she had decided to host this party without ever bringing it up again or coming to an agreement with me; she made an event for it. She hasn't even told me about it yet. I am very upset because I don't think that is fair. How can I address this in a civil manner, get her to understand my point of view, and assert myself? How should I expect her to respond?

Is it right for me to expect to know when EXACTLY the party will be done and have some say in how long it is? Is it right to expect some form of immediate reciprocation?



Ecomatt91
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02 Dec 2015, 7:34 pm

Having a relationship with someone, hosting a sex toy party with friends, who the people are coming? I think this crossed the line. I totally understand people open up their sexuality with others, like in this way. But she have a boyfriend, who is you. Why she want to host a sex toy party with her friends at the same time of having a boyfriend? This is very weird to be honest.

You should ask her, yes in assertive way, of why and how she going to do this.



bluegill
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02 Dec 2015, 7:54 pm

Ecomatt91 wrote:
Having a relationship with someone, hosting a sex toy party with friends, who the people are coming? I think this crossed the line. I totally understand people open up their sexuality with others, like in this way. But she have a boyfriend, who is you. Why she want to host a sex toy party with her friends at the same time of having a boyfriend? This is very weird to be honest.

You should ask her, yes in assertive way, of why and how she going to do this.


I think what she means by "sex toy party" is a professional sex toy expert comes to the place and tries to sell sex toys to the women attending in a low key party-like setting where they drink alcohol and discuss things related to sex. For me, I guess, that is okay (except I do not want her to talk about our sex life in detail). I am mainly not happy about it happening at MY house and how it invades my space/territory and that I did not agree to it. It is a change from normalcy. It will stand in the way of me doing what I would like to do. And it bothers me a lot that I didn't know about it, I don't know when it will end, etc.

I do agree, it is very weird to want to have a sex toy party in a relationship. I don't know why she wants to do that. Maybe the person is her friend?



DailyPoutine1
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02 Dec 2015, 7:58 pm

As long as theres no other male you're fine :)



Ecomatt91
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02 Dec 2015, 8:18 pm

Quote:
I do agree, it is very weird to want to have a sex toy party in a relationship. I don't know why she wants to do that. Maybe the person is her friend?


Just be careful on this part. Make sure you ask her the aspects of this party and TELL her how you feel about this. I still can see it invades the relationship. I assume her sex drive is high.



wilburforce
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02 Dec 2015, 10:58 pm

There is nothing wrong with a woman wanting to talk about or buy sex toys while in a relationship. That's just your own insecurity talking. Women masturbate, just like guys do, and yeah we still masturbate even when in relationships, just like guys do. Sometimes we want to masturbate with sex toys and we have every right to do that whether we are in a relationship or not. It is her body, she can do with it what she likes--including masturbate with sex toys if she wants to. It is not at all weird or unusual.



cavernio
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02 Dec 2015, 11:17 pm

I swear it's like no one read the OP...

Yes, I agree that it was not right of her to arrange the party without your permission. I mean, completely and totally regardless of whether or not one's residence should be open to parties with/without the roomates' permissions, she thought it enough to ASK you, therefore she -thought- it might not be OK earlier as some point in time. Therefore, she knew what she was doing was not necessarily good, therefore she should not have done it.

However, in a more general question of 'does she have permission to use the house for a party whenever she pleases' is also not fair to roommates, especially when that party involves kicking you out of your residence.

BUT you're also a couple, not just roommates, and that muddies things, from my perspective at least. It does not seem to strange to me that a wife, say, kicks out a husband for the afternoon while he friends are over, nor for the man to kick out his wife for an evening so that he can play poker with his friends. (yes, yes, I'm pulling out all the stereotypes). But just because it happens in marriages, that doesn't mean that it's OK to trample the other person's boundaries like that.


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Ecomatt91
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03 Dec 2015, 12:20 am

Quote:
BUT you're also a couple, not just roommates, and that muddies things, from my perspective at least. It does not seem to strange to me that a wife, say, kicks out a husband for the afternoon while he friends are over, nor for the man to kick out his wife for an evening so that he can play poker with his friends. (yes, yes, I'm pulling out all the stereotypes). But just because it happens in marriages, that doesn't mean that it's OK to trample the other person's boundaries like that.


You are definitely right. Being in a relationship and marriage as a couple there are still boundaries. I know that I never been in relationship before but I am developing relationship with this women who has been something for me. She explained to me that respecting her boundaries is something mindful. Being in a relationship you are still an individual but still have morals and boundaries around it. Unfortunately not many people understand this, just pretty much don't understand effective communication strategies either.

A good relationship does not require 24/7 spending time together. Its a balance of self commitments and interests. You have to go to work, she won't be with you there. Remember this.

I highly recommend couples can do relationship counseling. You would far more likely to get lot of good advices from them of how to maintain a relationship, understanding communication strategies, respecting other boundaries, being assertive about what is happening and what is right/wrong about the situation. People are constantly learning new things everyday and this must not be ignored!



Pineapplejuicex
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03 Dec 2015, 2:24 pm

Ecomatt91 wrote:
Quote:
BUT you're also a couple, not just roommates, and that muddies things, from my perspective at least. It does not seem to strange to me that a wife, say, kicks out a husband for the afternoon while he friends are over, nor for the man to kick out his wife for an evening so that he can play poker with his friends. (yes, yes, I'm pulling out all the stereotypes). But just because it happens in marriages, that doesn't mean that it's OK to trample the other person's boundaries like that.


You are definitely right. Being in a relationship and marriage as a couple there are still boundaries. I know that I never been in relationship before but I am developing relationship with this women who has been something for me. She explained to me that respecting her boundaries is something mindful. Being in a relationship you are still an individual but still have morals and boundaries around it. Unfortunately not many people understand this, just pretty much don't understand effective communication strategies either.

A good relationship does not require 24/7 spending time together. Its a balance of self commitments and interests. You have to go to work, she won't be with you there. Remember this.

I highly recommend couples can do relationship counseling. You would far more likely to get lot of good advices from them of how to maintain a relationship, understanding communication strategies, respecting other boundaries, being assertive about what is happening and what is right/wrong about the situation. People are constantly learning new things everyday and this must not be ignored!


The going behind your back thing is worrisome (the sex toy party not so much; you can't stop her going to a sex you party, she's a grownup) - my take is that if she should have discussed it with you before sending the invite. You're housemates, so the house is as much hers as it yours. I don't think she's got the right to kick you out of the house for the party (though it would be nice if you made yourself scarce for the 3-4 hrs of the party).

What the girlfriend did wasn't nice, but my inclination is that this isn't a hill you want to die on. Talk to her, tell her you're hurt she sent the invite before discussing it with you further and tell her to have fun at her party. Ask her to never, ever pull a stunt like that again.

Pick your battles. This isn't one worth fighting.