leaning in relationships

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I took this quote from another thread because I find it controversial and would like to talk about it.

"I took an interpersonal communication class in college that was *extremely* helpful. Healthy relationships are "H" shaped, not "A" shaped. In an "A" shape, the two are leaning on each other and if one falls, the other falls. In "H" shaped relationships, each person stands on their own and meet in the middle. There's one other shape that is not healthy (can't remember the letter) where one person is leaning on the other."

As someone on disability, who doesn't have parents looking after them, I'm -never- going to be able to stand on my own without leaning on someone. It seems like this idea that people must stand on their own before having relationships is one of the reasons there are so many 'Can aspies find love?' It's also an incredibly Western view of relationships. Besides the fact of when someone falls it makes for getting back on your feet hard, why else are the other 2 relationships not healthy?

I wouldn't put too much stock in that quote.

A lot of times, people in a relationship have complementary strengths and weaknesses. Maybe one earns a good living, but isn't very good with interpersonal things in a family. The other may fill in by being family glue, which is valuable even if that partner earns nothing.

So I guess that's an "A" relationship. But I don't see that as a bad thing. Most of us would like to get an A!

I know, right! Interdependence isn't codependence.

But I really need to hear why H is the thing to aim for BEYOND what happens when it falls apart. My therapist is essentially telling me that I should be aiming for H also, and it's the first thing that we've talked about that I do not accept, at least I don't see why I should accept it as a thing to strive for.

I think the over-all point should be you don't want a relationship to be one sided...but I think they go a little too far. I mean I don't think both people have to be totally stable and entirely independent/self sufficient in all ways. Not sure what is wrong with both people leaning on each other at least to an extent.

I mean I am on disability and live at my moms house, and disability income isn't very good, my boyfriend is working, has a car he's paying off and lives with room-mates and he is struggling financially to. Its kind of a given if we stay together in the long term we'd be pooling our resources together and supporting each other...and would probably be doing better together than either of us would be doing alone. Neither of us can afford a place to live(though I may be getting some kind of housing voucher thing) on our own, but maybe together we could figure something out if we want to progress to living together. Certainly seems to resemble that A shape the class was talking about...but I don't really see the issue with it.

Also there is the emotional/connection sort of stuff...maybe if one person in the relationship has to compensate for some of the short comings of their S.O, they may still feel that S.O makes up for that by being pleasant to be around, supportive or things like. I mean it seems for a relationship you need to be able to compromise a little and not necessarily expect both parties are contributing the exact same things the exact same way....not even sure that is possible.

If you need help with day to day living, you should get an aid worker, not a girlfriend. A girlfriend is not going to want to basically take on the relationship of being your mother/taking care of you. There is a reason why women in relationships with men who expect the women to do all of the emotional labour and housework like you would with a child end up losing interest in sex with that partner--does interacting with someone on the level of a dependent child get you hot? For women, biologically that is a mood killer. Like someone else said up-thread, healthy relationships are about balance--if someone helps you with some things that you are not good at, then you should be able to help them with things that you are good at but they are not, otherwise the relationship will be one-sided and resentment will build up.

I'm a woman who is, so far, only attracted to men. Furthermore, the nature of my disability is not one of merely not being able to do housework.

Besides which, if resentment builds in a relationship, then that means the person is not giving freely. It is not in my control whether or not that person feels absurd amounts of pressure, unless I am crossing their clearly defined boundaries with what I would be asking for, in which case that becomes abusive. If resentment builds that is an issue with them. And if they are not setting clear boundaries then how am I to actually know what they are?

My psych was wanting me to have an H shaped relationship as well. I was diagnosed codependent but later realized that a lot of my bad behaviors were due to anxiety that is now treated. I have disabilities I was born with & have problems with lots of things. My girlfriend also has some disabilities & needs a lot of emotional support which I'm good at providing & like giving so our interdependent relationship works out really well for both of us.

reductio ad absurdum - If you are a person not capable of an H shape relationship, and you're in love with a partner who also is not capable of it, what are you supposed to do? Break up and have no relationship?

That's ridiculous.

I would, however, recommend not adding children to the mix until you're functioning well in that relationship.

Could you find my ex and tell him this please?

I'm pretty content of being in an A-type relationship. I don't want to be in the H-type, as it seems more like an eternal game that you will eventually lose. After all, being equal is not something that is sustainable.

Which part?

And no, I'm not really too interested in getting between you and an ex.

I really like Sweetleaf's summing-up. And no matter what therapists or anyone else tries to tell you about "the ideal relationship," the truth in probably the largest percentage of relationships out there -- even among NTs -- is probably more like Sweetleaf's description than anything else.

I would be willing to bet money that more couples than not are in that kind of mutually helping relationship. Life is expensive, life is tough and I don't think many people out there would be completely surviving well alone as they can in a relationship where two people are bringing things to the table (literally and figuratively) than one.

In practical ways alone, two people who can't afford high rents as respective individuals can afford to get something with pooled resources. This stuff happens -- this "A" relationship -- way, way more than society believes it does, in all manner of different variations. And it usually is give and take when there's not something mutual; one person's strengths supply what makes up for the other person's weaker spots and vice versa.

My own therapist actually kind of said this to me. She also said a bonded relationship can be a safe place to work out both of your "stuff" emotionally, and that's "okay" and healthy too if done the right way.

Co dependent and interdependent are not the same thing and interdependent is something all species do since the beginning of time. Even animal partners work a system where one party's moment of deficit is where the other steps in -- watch how swans handle nesting and you know that.

So I think this "H" stuff is bull sh!t.

Well, not being a completely independent adult, and being already far too old to become one in time, is the main reason I keep considering myself unfit for romantic relationships. In the past, I just kept waiting for my parents to approve of it, till I realized it'll never happen, and it wouldn't be enough anyway.

This topic really depresses me.

I'm sad that it made people sad.
I'm sorry you feel that way spiderpig.

It's not about setting boundaries that causes resentment--if you are putting more effort into a relationship than your partner is, you are going to start feeling resentment because the relationship is out of balance, with one person doing all the work and taking on all the responsibility and the other one not contributing. Relationships in which both partners are contributing equally are ones that are healthy. When the contribution to the relationship is unbalanced, the relationship is unhealthy. This isn't a complex concept.