Feeling guilty!

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Hi guys

I'm an NT girl who used to date this guy for almost a year and a half.
Unfortunately we broke up a few months ago for different reasons and misunderstanding. I was the one who broke up with him.

Later on i learned about Asperger. He fits the description perfectly and to my surprise so does my father and grand father!

Right now i feel so guilty..
I feel guilty that i was probably hard on my boyfriend when i expected things he couldn't give. When he said a hurtful comment then apologized repeatedly for it, saying that he was bad with words, but I couldn't believe it.
I constantly complained about his lack of affection but at the same time he was willing to do anything and everything to help me with my career project.
I knew he had a heart of gold but couldn't understand why he was robotic and sometimes cold. I didn't know if he was interested enough in me.. Then all of a sudden he started talking about our children! He never told me he loved me until the day i decided to break up with him after a big fight.
We both loved each other so much. I miss him every single day. I miss his friendship and his silly jokes. Talking to him and everything. I really admired that he was different a bit nerdy and funny. I admired how hard he worked, how persistent he was in achieving his academic goals but felt that he worked a bit too much!

I can't help but feeling guilty towards him.. Because i admit that our last conversation was not very nice and i said some hurtful comments. I was so hurt.. But I didn't know he was wired differently.
I remember once i was going through a hard time. He called me and suggested all possible and logical solutions to solve things but to my surprise he never said one comforting word.. When i asked him he said that those words don't help one fix the situation and that i should seek "moral support" with my friends!!

I was shocked but we continued to see each other. I thought maybe it was his difficult upbringing, his tough father, the abscence of his mother. So i thought ill show him how to love and express love. A few things changed but then all of a sudden he does or says something that i just couldn't understand how or why on earth would anyone do this!

I read Tony Attwood's book, Look Me in the Eye, i watched Mozart and the Whale, Adam the movie. I also read many articles and watched many youtube videos and ted talks about asperger and autism. The feeling of guilt is killing me!

I'm also relieved! Knowing that probably my father loves me although he never said it. I grew up feeling that my father was selfish and was never interested in me. Growing up with him after my parents got divorced was a painful period of my life but now i know why!
At least now i can work on fixing my relationship with him. It wasn't all his fault.

Learning about the diagnosis makes me feel guilty for misjudging my boyfriend and father. But also makes me relieved knowing that there is an explanation to what ive been through.

I tried to re connect with my boyfriend several times but he refuses to talk. I guess it's over. I'm afraid ive hurt him so much. Wish he could forgive me.

I was thinking of writing him a letter.. But When i read about long term relationships in Tony Attwood's book, i got worried. He mentioned that usually NT partners feel lonely in the relationship, get depressed and divorce rate was high.

Growing up with my father was tough so im not sure how a longterm relationship will be with my boyfriend.. Specially that he works too much in his field and does a lot of research, never took a vacation and rarely takes weekends! (Let's say if he decides to talk and get back with me anyway!!)

I think it is unfaire to re connect with him as long as im not sure where ill be standing!

But i want him to know that I didn't want to hurt him and that i understand now why everything collapsed and that it was not his fault.

Would he appreciate an apology letter?
How can i get over this guilt!!

I really wanted to share my feeling with u guys because unfortunately all of my friends know nothing about Asperger.

Thanks for taking the time to read my post. Please feel free to comment. Advices will be much appreciated.

He hasn't told you he has Aspergers, right?

I don't think you should feel guilty, per se, unless you've lost him his job or gotten him beaten up.

Through your hurt, you did learn more about variations in people which will prove useful in your subsequent life.

It wouldn't hurt to write the letter and inform him about your Attwood readings, and your journey of discovery.

On-again off-again relationships are pretty ordinary for most people with AS, if/when we're subjecting ourselves to any rigor of professionalism or study. Seeing life and work as one and the same evidences itself in the quality of my work, I'm all too aware this makes people view me reproachfully or at times leads me to deal in absolutes but all it really calls for is a balance of energies. I'll take this laptop to some boardrooms but I'm still not about to grow up. I couldn't deal with working in technology for cash. I tried that and I have no clue why anybody does so. I need to build something for my friends...

I've been studying nearly my entire year but that mostly just showed me more reasons to love people.

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