Touching in a Relationship

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Hi,

I've been with my girlfriend for about 4.5 years and we met over the internet. After some time she moved closer to me and we now live together.

When it comes to intimacy I've never really been sure. In general, I find being touched a violation or at least mildly uncomfortable unless I invite it and I find touching people very difficult. It's not me at all and I like my space.

Tonight something just dawned on me. My girlfriend has been visiting home for a few months and I told her I miss her and being touched by her. Then she suddenly came out with "Why do you never touch me?"

I couldn't explain to her. I'm still confused now. I just said it doesn't mean that I don't love her or find her attractive, because I do with both of those things. I've just never had the full on desire to touch her a lot. I can hug, kiss and sometimes touch her with affection, but when it comes to sex, now that I think about it, I've never been 100% interested in doing things to her in that way. I've yet to, in fact. It's always been the other way around. I'm not overly keen on genitalia.

I don't think I'm asexual because I can still enjoy that kind of intimacy with her and I am capable of being switched on in that way. But we are not 'regular' with that intimacy and I've always been more of the receiver.

Is this normal for people with Aspergers? What do I say to her? I'm worried she is beginning to see this as a problem and I feel pretty guilty about it. Please share your experiences and suggestions. Thanks!

The big thing about touching in relationships is that we always pick and chose who touches us. With pretty much all my family and every friend I ever had, I could only give half hugs as full hugs were too uncomfortable. when people tried to comfort me it would make it worse with things like hugs and pats on the back. The big thing is for you to help your partner understand that despite you not touching her a lot, you let her be closer than anyone else in your life. It may be going over board by saying you are giving her the honor, but more or less say you are someone that I can feel comfortable with. It's hard for aspies to date non-aspies, what many of us here are learning from personal experience, and when it comes to explaining things like this it sometimes doesn't always sink through to the non-aspie partner. But you need to explain it anyway. It is also important to remember that relationships don't always revolve around touch but simply the enjoyment of ones company.

My ex felt guilty when he didn't want to have intimacy with me, and I would sometimes cry about because I'm an emotional mess a lot of the time and sex with him to me was incredibly intimate, and it would make me feel unwanted and lonely even though I logically knew that that wasn't what it was about. I just get these crazy needs to feel loved.

Anyways, my point and why I picked out that quote is that even with me acting how I did often, crying about it
, that still is not a good reason for him to feel guilt. There are other ways of meeting emotional needs, and depending on the nature of your relationship, if it's just plain old sex they want and you are unable/unwilling (they are the same thing) to comply, then she could get it elsewhere.

My ex felt guilty about it and it just compounded the problem because we were BOTH feeling bad about something then, not just me. Furthermore, it made me hesitate to hint or ask in the future about having sex because I would then worry about us both just feeling bad. We both made a problem worse by both of us feeling guilty when we were just both sticking up for our wants/needs.

I will, once again, reiterate that I have some serious emotional problems, but they are MY emotional issues that are my own to deal with. I have learned long enough ago that no one else can fix my emotional issues and that's why I am in therapy and working on them.

For you to feel guilty because you think she might think of it as a problem is not a good sign. You have a responsibility for your own emotional well-being. To add guilt here is to feel guilty for being yourself; that's not a healthy form of guilt.

Regardless, it is something you should probably talk about with her.

Cavernio, i can identify with "these crazy needs to feel loved." I sometimes have an overwhelming desire for a compliment, a tight hug, just something to make me feel like someone loves me and appreciates me. It is not really rational or predictable, but it is very real.

But...FrankieJ, i can identify with being very selective about touching too. Is it a sensory issue or just something you think you are "oblivious" about? Myself and hubby have a combination of both.

My husband, who also has a lot of aspie characteristics, can go for a long time without touching me and not really think about it unless i point it out. But we have a good sex life, which seems to be separate to him from regular touching. We sleep in the same bed and usually wake up holding hands or cuddling against each other. (not to be gross or tmi--a lot of times it is not even sexual, just cosy and of the "warm hugging/cuddling" variety of touch) I know the cuddling is important to him although he doesn't touch me a lot unless i initiate it.

I tend to be touchy about certain types of touch due to sensory issues. Kissing is one of those things. I do kiss him and it would hurt his feelings if i didn't...but kissing has always been hard for me to do except cheek kisses. And it isn't that we haven't had practice or don't know what we're doing! I felt better to learn there were other aspies who felt the same and i wasn't too weird. NTs seem to think kissing is supposed to be this great thing...but it didn't work that way for me.

I think it is something you need to be very open about with each other. Everyone is different--even NTs have their pet peeves. I don't think you should feel guilty, but i do think you should discuss it with her, very matter-of-factly--it is just the way you are put together and we are all different. A bit of understanding goes a long way.

Perhaps she is conflicted because she does love you but worries that you aren't attracted to her but are capable if that same attraction for other females. She may need reassurance that your behavior is a characteristic of yourself an not her inadquicy to look or act sexually appealing. She may also have sexual needs that she wants met but is conflicted because she doesn't wish to force u to do anything uncomfortable or want to leave you to find them else where. Perhaps if this is a serious relationship an open discussion is needed in which u find other ways to satisfy your partner. Compliment her appearance. Offer her sex toys or something she can satisfy her needs with without having to touch you a great deal. Maybe make compromises to touch her sexually for a certain amount of time before taking a break to let her finish off. Again stress that she is very attractive but you experience discomfort with touching ALL people.