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Feeling undatable

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InsomniaGrl
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14 Jan 2016, 2:02 pm

slw1990 wrote:
It seems like in real time I don't have as much common sense though. I usually try to avoid the people that act depressed and feel sorry for me, but I don't always have a choice. I just have this thought that if I got close to someone and they saw how others treated me they might think less of me or other people might somehow persuade them to feel that way and then they would stop caring about me. I guess it's because things like that have happened to me before.


I think the more you can feel good about yourself the less other people can treat you like they feel sorry for you, or treat you badly. I think someone could very easily feel like they love you, and if you both don't care what people think, none of it matters. Someone supportive who isn't swayed by other peoples opinions would be great for you. Peoples opinions mean nothing. I hope you can see your intrinsic loveable qualities soon :)
Thats a kinda lame message, i just feel you are worth way more than you value perhaps.


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kraftiekortie
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14 Jan 2016, 2:18 pm

Indeed...you are dateable...because you are a gentle soul.



AuroraBorealisGazer
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14 Jan 2016, 3:32 pm

slw1990 wrote:
It seems like in real time I don't have as much common sense though. I usually try to avoid the people that act depressed and feel sorry for me, but I don't always have a choice. I just have this thought that if I got close to someone and they saw how others treated me they might think less of me or other people might somehow persuade them to feel that way and then they would stop caring about me. I guess it's because things like that have happened to me before.


Hmm, it hadn't occurred to me that people might do this. Do you have any reactions when you're treated this way? This may not be useful, but since I don't handle sympathy very well (it makes me uncomfortable) I tend to deflect with humor. Maybe you could try using a bit of humor when the treatment is uncalled for? (Obviously, don't do it as much as me....it's probably not healthy :lol:)



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14 Jan 2016, 4:43 pm

slw1990 wrote:
It seems like in real time I don't have as much common sense though. I usually try to avoid the people that act depressed and feel sorry for me, but I don't always have a choice. I just have this thought that if I got close to someone and they saw how others treated me they might think less of me or other people might somehow persuade them to feel that way and then they would stop caring about me. I guess it's because things like that have happened to me before.


In what ways do you feel you have less common sense in real time? Are there specific situations that tend to trigger this feeling more than others? I know that people with Asperger's have trouble reading social cues and that can make them appear slower to respond or unable to get things but the important thing to understand is that is not the same as not having common sense. Social fluidity can be very difficult even for NTs and the best way to help with that is actually practice by engaging in social situations. And if someone can be persuaded that you're someone to be pitied rather than liked just remember that they're not the type of person you want to be with anyways. You want someone who will be supportive and understanding and will work with you to come to a happy middle in terms of how you interact with each other.


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Aristophanes
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14 Jan 2016, 7:54 pm

Ok, after watching this thread develop organically the last few days I've come to the conclusion that, slw1990, you need to gain some confidence. I get that you have aspie communication errors, but at the same time you need to feel confident that you're a worthwhile "catch" for someone. If you feel confident that will radiate outward, whether you're the silent type, the odd type, or any other type for that matter. Who cares about what other people think except for you and the person you're trying to date-- just completely shut down what other people may or may not think. All you need to do is worry about impressing the one person you want impressed. If that person sees oddity instead of uniqueness then regardless of how much of a crush you have on them they aren't for you. If they are swayed by the peanut gallery then they are untrustworthy to you and thus not for you either. Be yourself because being in a relationship where you have to act is more depressing than no relationship at all, but also be confident in who you are or you won't attract anyone worthwhile.



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15 Jan 2016, 5:58 pm

slw1990 wrote:
It seems like in real time I don't have as much common sense though. I usually try to avoid the people that act depressed and feel sorry for me, but I don't always have a choice. I just have this thought that if I got close to someone and they saw how others treated me they might think less of me or other people might somehow persuade them to feel that way and then they would stop caring about me. I guess it's because things like that have happened to me before.

A few times I have had the sense that girls who might have been somewhat interested in me were embarrassed to be associated with me because of my lack of social status or social graces. So they kind of pretend they never were interested in me in the first place after a while.



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15 Jan 2016, 6:16 pm

Aristophanes wrote:
Ok, after watching this thread develop organically the last few days I've come to the conclusion that, slw1990, you need to gain some confidence. I get that you have aspie communication errors, but at the same time you need to feel confident that you're a worthwhile "catch" for someone. If you feel confident that will radiate outward, whether you're the silent type, the odd type, or any other type for that matter. Who cares about what other people think except for you and the person you're trying to date-- just completely shut down what other people may or may not think. All you need to do is worry about impressing the one person you want impressed. If that person sees oddity instead of uniqueness then regardless of how much of a crush you have on them they aren't for you. If they are swayed by the peanut gallery then they are untrustworthy to you and thus not for you either. Be yourself because being in a relationship where you have to act is more depressing than no relationship at all, but also be confident in who you are or you won't attract anyone worthwhile.


^ Yeah definitely listen to that. You're an attractive young women slw, just a smidge more confidence in yourself and I'm sure you'll find someone worthwhile. The midwest is a frustrating place to live though, with the severe lack of people.



slw1990
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16 Jan 2016, 12:34 am

^ Yeah. I go to a local autism group, but it's women only. It seems pretty rare for guys IRL to show interest in me too.

AuroraBorealisGazer wrote:
slw1990 wrote:
It seems like in real time I don't have as much common sense though. I usually try to avoid the people that act depressed and feel sorry for me, but I don't always have a choice. I just have this thought that if I got close to someone and they saw how others treated me they might think less of me or other people might somehow persuade them to feel that way and then they would stop caring about me. I guess it's because things like that have happened to me before.


Hmm, it hadn't occurred to me that people might do this. Do you have any reactions when you're treated this way? This may not be useful, but since I don't handle sympathy very well (it makes me uncomfortable) I tend to deflect with humor. Maybe you could try using a bit of humor when the treatment is uncalled for? (Obviously, don't do it as much as me....it's probably not healthy :lol:)


I usually don't react very much and talk to them like they are not pitying me. If someone persuades someone into becoming distant from me I usually try to avoid them. I don't really know how to use humor in either of those situations. :? It's probably more healthy than what I do though, lol.

Quote:
In what ways do you feel you have less common sense in real time? Are there specific situations that tend to trigger this feeling more than others?


Sometimes I have trouble figuring things out that are really obvious. There's also times where I don't pay much attention to what's going on around me It's usually when I'm tired or stressed from being in a noisy environment or something. I just mentally shut down when I'm stressed. It also happens when I have too many things on my mind.



AuroraBorealisGazer
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16 Jan 2016, 1:02 am

Do you feel that you have confidence? (I ask because several people have brought it up but haven't asked what you thought).

From what you've said, it sounds like a major part of the problem is the people you're around are douche-bags. Do you hang out with any of the girls from your ASD group outside of the meetings? Or can you try going to a more introvert-type place (like a small coffee shop, comic book store, or any place with atypical people)?

And based on your statement that guys in real life rarely show an interest in you, maybe some of the guys here could give the inside scoop on what makes a girl seem approachable?



slw1990
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16 Jan 2016, 1:38 am

AuroraBorealisGazer wrote:
Do you feel that you have confidence? (I ask because several people have brought it up but haven't asked what you thought).

From what you've said, it sounds like a major part of the problem is the people you're around are douche-bags. Do you hang out with any of the girls from your ASD group outside of the meetings? Or can you try going to a more introvert-type place (like a small coffee shop, comic book store, or any place with atypical people)?

And based on your statement that guys in real life rarely show an interest in you, maybe some of the guys here could give the inside scoop on what makes a girl seem approachable?


Sometimes I feel confident, but it depends on the situation.

Yeah, there are still quite a few people that are usually nice to, but some seem easily influenced.

There's one girl that I hang out with outside the meetings and I feel pretty comfortable around her.

I don't really go to any of those places, but I volunteer.



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16 Jan 2016, 2:30 am

Feyokien wrote:
just a smidge more confidence in yourself and I'm sure you'll find someone worthwhile.


I'm a walking contradiction it seems. I wouldn't listen to my earlier advice, I was experiencing one of my manic highs. I was trying to inspire hope, but I just realized I made the implication that you're still single because of some flaw in your own traits, such as having low self esteem. That's just a byproduct, not a cause. A lot of people are just cretins, I need to stop giving them so much credit.

I tend to find I can more easily approach people who are similar in interests or philosophy to me, but that isn't exactly new knowledge I would think for most people.



AuroraBorealisGazer
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16 Jan 2016, 12:34 pm

Feyokien wrote:
Feyokien wrote:
just a smidge more confidence in yourself and I'm sure you'll find someone worthwhile.


I'm a walking contradiction it seems. I wouldn't listen to my earlier advice, I was experiencing one of my manic highs. I was trying to inspire hope, but I just realized I made the implication that you're still single because of some flaw in your own traits, such as having low self esteem. That's just a byproduct, not a cause. A lot of people are just cretins, I need to stop giving them so much credit.

I tend to find I can more easily approach people who are similar in interests or philosophy to me, but that isn't exactly new knowledge I would think for most people.


Don't be so hard on yourself. I just wanted to make sure I was on the right track with my own advice, and not projecting by assuming that confidence wasn't the issue.



slw1990
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16 Jan 2016, 9:48 pm

Feyokien wrote:
Feyokien wrote:
just a smidge more confidence in yourself and I'm sure you'll find someone worthwhile.


I'm a walking contradiction it seems. I wouldn't listen to my earlier advice, I was experiencing one of my manic highs. I was trying to inspire hope, but I just realized I made the implication that you're still single because of some flaw in your own traits, such as having low self esteem. That's just a byproduct, not a cause. A lot of people are just cretins, I need to stop giving them so much credit.

I tend to find I can more easily approach people who are similar in interests or philosophy to me, but that isn't exactly new knowledge I would think for most people.


I don't think there was anything wrong with it. I think it is part of my problem. I just had so many bad experiences with people being persuaded by other people who are mean and manipulative and being mistreated. I feel like if I could just fix the things I feel self conscious about I would have more confidence. I think it's something else too though because even when I'm in a good mood and feeling confident some people still treat me badly and act depressed around me. Even if I don't care about being accepted by the people that do this it might mean that someone who I really do like might find me unattractive for the same reason why some other people bully me and feel sorry for me.



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17 Jan 2016, 1:01 am

You look/sound really genuine, nice, kind, warm and innocent which, if I were a man, would consider as the most important traits to look for in women. And I think you have above average looking as well even without any make up. Yeah, in my eyes you're beautiful. I think men here should do their best to contact you unless they want to lose you to another guy..seriously..


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slw1990
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17 Jan 2016, 2:26 am

^ Thank you. :)

It just seems like most of the guys that have been interested just want a girlfriend and lose interest once someone else is around. I feel like I push most guys away. Most don't want much to do with me.



slw1990
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17 Jan 2016, 4:04 am

It feels like most of the guys that seem to be genuinely interested in me loose interest pretty fast.