Interested in your thoughts please

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Hey everyone,



I would really appreciate your opinions on the following situation.

I am dating a girl in a long distance relationship. Firstly I have no idea if she is in the autism spectrum or not.

For the first say 4 months of us actually dating (we were communicating before for about 3 months before) we would Skype about once a week, and chat online. She would be quite affectionate calling me pet names etc even though from the outset she did say that she finds it hard to express her feelings. But I was fairly happy with the way things were going. Then I visited her for the third time and we had a few moments together where we had what I would call for want of a better word, tiffs. Nothing major. She remained affectionate for a while but then didn't want to Skype anymore. I eventually found out that she was mad at me for the tiffs we had. The interesting thing about this as well is that while she was not skyping me and had gone cold on me, she was working on coloring in this intricate heart for me, which she gave to me on my next visit. She also broke down and told me that relationships start well with her but then well obviously by what I've seen, go flat. She said she's quite happy to be on her own. She says she doesn't miss people when then go away, she says she doesn't know what love is and can't feel it. Yet she doesn't want to break up with me. She is an intelligent girl, she is very beautiful and cares very much about her appearance. She is quite blunt and rude at times, which she told me herself. She told me that when she was a child she had her own alphabet and I think I recall her telling me she had an imaginary friend. She has a great memory too. She seems from my point of view to read into things I say and do too much sometimes. She suffers from bad dreams. She also doesn't always answer normal questions sometimes, such as would be very normal in a conversation. It's like she doesn't see the point in the question been asked. For example her friend sent her some wine which she sent me a photo of, and I asked her if it was red or white. She replied with a what? And why? I explained I just like wine and I was just interested, to which she put "strange".

She told me she doesn't have any close friends. She is also very sensitive and doesn't seem to take Criticism well too. I've also noticed that she seems to make strange comparisons to things I've done or said, like she doesn't really understand why I did or said something. I try to explain but she doesn't seem to understand. Things are at a point now where she has said she doesn't like small talk and she only wants to talk if it is about something interesting. She said she doesn't mind talking on Skype if its about something interesting or if I need help with anything. Normal things like "how was your day?" Etc don't seem to bode well anymore. She also seems to not believe that I really do care about her so much and I feel she doesn't quite trust me either. She has also said she thinks I'm only with her because of her looks. Does any of this sound like anything on the autistic spectrum? I care about her so much and enjoy been with her and I want to understand her, but she doesn't open up much.

Last edited by James1 on 06 Jan 2016, 10:00 am, edited 2 times in total.

It's possible that she's on the Autistic Spectrum--but don't bring it up with her directly.

Perhaps, you could, in an offhand manner, speak about the results of autism research--and see if she "bites."

My first impression is that she is insecure with herself and has low self esteem. People with low self esteem have a hard time making friends and being in relationships because they are always questioning and putting themselves down.

Example- This guy doesn't really like me. What's to like? I'm no good. He must be using me for something.

A person with low self esteem will many times, unintentionally, do or say things to make you not like them so when you finally do get mad and leave the relationship they can prove to themselves that "see, that person really didn't like you anyways"

People with low self esteem really do want friends and relationships. Many times people with low self esteem grow up in broken families and do not have examples or experiences with bonding relationships. We first learn about relationships from our family members.

In my opinion it is very difficult to be in a relationship (friend or romantic) with a person who is insecure with themselves. They require a lot of reassurance and comforting. I do not feel these relationships are very balanced. With time, you may feel you are putting a lot more into the relationship and that the relationship will be more and more on the terms of the other person. You will feel like you are "walking on egg shells", not sure of what to say or what to do because of fear of upsetting the person.

What ever decision you come to with this relationship, you need to decide what is best for you. If your decision is to break up with the person, try to do it in a polite way. It is not good for either person to break up in anger. No matter what, there will be hurt feelings but there is no reason for it to be nasty.

I truly wish you the best.

When someone asks me "how was your day", my initial reaction is to throw heavy objects at them and tell them not to waste my time. I see nothing wrong with your girlfriend not being interested in small talk. However, the way she responded to being asked what colour wine she had seems rather odd to me. That whole sensitivity thing sounds like low self esteem. I can't really think of any good advice for solving that though.

"It's not working. We're over. Goodbye". Then immediately block her on all forms of communication to avoid further problems. Quick and easy and not one angry word spoken.

At first I thought, tl;Dr, but then it kinda hit me.

Your girlfriend is exactly how I live my life, to the T.

It's mildly disturbing, but I'd say a lot of the issues I face seem more appropriate under the labeling of a personality disorder than the spectrum.

Please look into Borderline personality disorder, thanks.

Thank you all very much for your replies, would love to hear more thoughts on this.

^Your girl who is also a friend sounds a lot like me. I, to, am quite sensitive and not good with criticism.

Thank you all for your replies, the more I research Asperger's the more it sounds like her. I'd be grateful for more comments please.

She sounds Aspie to me.

Don't want to cause any offence but are people with Asperger's known to be grumpy?

I'm an NT. However, I do really think that Grumpy Cat is Aspie.

I think NoGyroApproach makes some good points.

I see a lot of myself in your description of your girlfriend, and what others have said of me. I can imagine myself into her position quite easily, though obviously that's no indicator that I'd be getting close to what's going on in her head.

I similarly struggle with relationships. The initial rush hits me and carries me along, and I can get unnervingly intense. But when that fades - I'm still me. I still struggle to understand and communicate my feelings. I still don't notice when people aren't around. I still spend much of my time in my head. I'm quickly told I'm being distant, that it seems like I don't care, etc. I make a romantic gesture and it's met with confusion, with 'but I thought you weren't interested in me anymore'.

It took Mrs Hopper and I years to get to the understanding that my need to be in my head, my difficulty with emotions (I prefer experience and affect to be pretty much 'flat'), was nothing personal.



I recall a quip - I think from Tony Attwood, an Asperger's researcher/specialist: people don't suffer with Asperger's, Aspies suffer with people.

I mean, obviously it's not part of the diagnostic criteria. But if you have a condition which makes it difficult to deal with sensory input and social interaction, a fair bit of grumpiness would be expected. I'm most often accused of being grumpy when I'm being called into interaction from an intense time in my head, which is a lot like being woken mid-dream.

On a more standard psychological note, I would say there is also a phenomenom in long distance relationships where the relationship can only be sustained because of the distance. It is the distance that provides the yearning, the desiring; and the yearning and desiring can overshadow the actual, in-the-same-room experience of being physically close. The latter can seem to pale compared to the former. What is desired is not the lover, but the desiring of the lover itself.

There can be a need to keep the lover at an emotional distance which also manifests physically. And there's sometimes a 'playing out' of a scenario where one party wants to make someone come (back) to them, the other party being a stand-in.

Thank you for all your replies, keep them coming please)