Relationship Burdens

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So I've recently started dating somebody. When I was younger, it was the only thing I wanted. Now that I actually have what I wanted, I'm not so sure. The key term here is "not so sure", as I don't really know what I want anymore. Well, I think the big issue here is my depression. It's basically dominated my entire life but it's arisen to practically swallow up whatever is left of this last part of a year before I hit 20. It affects everything in my life, and now it's spreading to my relationship.

See, it's not that I don't want to be involved with her, or that I definitely do. Rather, it's the not knowing that is the question. Sometimes, I feel stressed around her. I feel relieved when she leaves. Yet at other times, it feels painful knowing she's not here with me. I've also had dreams about her.

When I am with her, I don't do what I usually do. Playing games being the biggest thing. I feel pressured to enjoy my time with her and focus my attention entirely on her. It doesn't feel right to do anything else, which may be the one largest problem here, that I have little to no freedom to be myself.

That's one solution, but the other is just general Aspie nature; we like our alone time, and having to spend it all with somebody else feels uncomfortable at best.


The part I struggle with is the resolution; if I'm not happy with her, maybe I shouldn't be with her. But I miss her dearly when I'm not with her, and worry what she might do if I break it off. On top of this, I don't even know if I dislike the time I spend with her or if it's my depression ruining me gradually. I can't think straight and I can hardly make any decision for myself. Relationships are so end all when it comes to these crossroads, that being the very apex of my fears and concerns.

I personally want to see how it all goes but I've been doing that for the past three months and I don't think it's getting me any closer to where I want to go from here. I have some ideas in my head but it would be nice to have feedback from other people. Even if nobody has any particularly strong ideas, it's good to get it out there regardless.

Thanks for reading.

I think when you're in a relationship you can't really see everything that is going on and make an intelligent decision about what to do. An outsider is more able to "see" what is happening. I think you need a break from her for at least a couple of weeks (maybe even a month) to be able to sort things out for yourself. This will allow you time to do what you are used to doing (play games, etc.) and also will give you a breather with your depression. You will also find out if you really do "miss" her or just the "idea" of being in a relationship. You can't worry about what she may do if you break up with her - that has to be her decision. You can't control another person. It sounds like you are overloaded which is only going to depress you further. You need to think of yourself first and heal so then you can have a healthier relationship with her or someone else.

PS: I just love your byline thingy! I used to do all my own greeting cards and they had the neatest rhymes. I wanted to work for Hallmark, but didn't end up going that direction, obviously.

It sounds like your depression is really affecting you. It may help to see a psychiatrist to treat the depression & a therapist to talk about your relationship conflicts as well as your depression if your not seeing them already that is.

That 'general Aspie alone time' is, I think, a good place to start. Before I understood it myself, it threw a spanner in the works of my marriage and a subsequent relationship. Well, in fairness, it was one of a few spanners thrown.

I think there is a need to be caredful, because that 'alone time' is so important that being deprived of it can cause us to resent the cause of deprivation. So even though you think your girlfriend is the bees knees, if she's keeping you from having time alone, you may come to be angry at her for it. Which in turn may induce a feeling of guilt on your part, as you understand she's not done anything wrong.

Does she know you have Aspergers? If so, maybe explain that part of it is just that you need some time alone. Say how easily exhausted you get by social/interpersonal interactions and the world in general, and you often need time to just be in your head. Be reassuring - there'll be a worry that it's something personal, or that she's done something wrong - and perhaps make solid, particular plans to be together and do stuff together.

Do you know if there are any causes for the depression?