Sleeples in Finland (dating a man who has Asperger's)

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Hi
First I need to say that English is foreign language to me. Please, be patient
I'm here, because there isn't any lively forum about Asperger, in my own language (in Finnish).

I'm over 40 years old NT female and I'm dating a wonderful man who has Asperger's. He really is good hearted, extraordinary man. We have known each other for some years as a friends and about a year as a lovers. I really love him, really care about him and he is important to me. And I know that I'm important to him. But..

Problem is that most of the time I have to rationalize to myself that I'm important to him and he loves me. Because he doesn't show it very clearly. We see each other almost every day, but if there is anything else to think or do, he act like he doesn't care if I'm there or not. He doesn't touch me, he doesn't look in the eyes, he seems not to listen to me. When he is upset with something (not me), he ignores me totally for days. Even I do understand that those are things he can't help, It sometimes makes me feel lonely and sad.

But if I think closely, I can notice little things that shows me that he cares and think about me. When he is with his friends (he has couple of good friends) he usually sent me a photo of the place he is or if he sees something interesting. He often ask if there is something to fix in my house. He chat with me almost every night (when we are not together) even the topics are something he have read from internet or something he is interested. He tells me long stories about issues he is interested. He often has bought my favorite sweets. And although I feel he hasn't listened to me, he might days later take up the subject I had spoken. When we have sex (once a week) it is wonderful and he is kind and everything I could wish for.

I know he really trust me and feel that he can be himself with me. I treat him equally and I appreciate him.
What I'm trying to say is that I'm afraid that some day those negative feelings are too much. That I can't anymore see those little lovely things. That lack of touch and ignoring are too much to me

You can make hugging a habit for him, and then it will be easier. That shouldn't be so hard as many aspies easily get habits. Unless of course he feels discomfort by being touched (sensory issues), in which case you should make sure you use firm touch and not light.

I won't sugar coat it for you, OP. It's hard. Some days can be harder than others.
Compromise, adaptability, flexibility, occasional despair, inner strength, perseverance, frustration, eureka moments, never taking the usual stuff for granted, patience, then some more patience, watching like a hawk for the subtle facial expressions that on an NT is bloody obvious, did I mention patience yet?

And then suddenly, there's a breakthrough. I'll probably never get it 100% but I give 100%, trying.
And yes, despite all the above, it's worth it. As you yourself will already know. Just, hang in there. He IS aware, no matter how unaware he may appear.
: )

Perhaps it would help if you both saw a relationship counselor who was experienced with Aspergers.

It sounds like he really cares, you can feel it rather than judging by typical relationship markers. Just make sure you do plenty of your own things, and have other friends to meet some of the needs that your man is unable to. Enjoy the joy, laughter and fun he brings to,your life in his own way

Thank you all for your answers.

I noticed that I have used word "even" in places where word "although" would have been right one. Like "even the topics are something he have read from internet...". I meant to say "although the topics.." But I think and hope you got the point (We Finns are very accurate that the grammar is correct)

He is very sensory sensitivity, but I have noticed the same what you said about "firm touch, not light", firm is better. I also have learnd to warn him if I'm going to hug him. I never (again) try to hug him anywhere else than at home.
He has learnd to tolerate that I touch him because he knows it's important to me. Sometimes it feels weird to me to touch knowing he doesn't really enjoy it. Or actually there is one way me to touch him and he has even said that it's relaxing



You are right. There already has been small breaktroughs.




You are also so right.
In fact, now when I read your comments I began to notice that I have a good relationship. It is not typical or traditional relationship but it's our own and special. He loves and cares in his own way.

Oh, I feel very stupid because of my English mistakes.
I don't know why I wrote that he is "extraordinary man". I meant he is a very special man.

^^^ pfft, your English is excellent!

Advice I would give would be:

If he does get into the habit of being more tactile, eventually, he may give you attention when you don't want it. Be careful at this point...
if you reject him with the remotest harshness, he may withdraw completely and you will find it difficult to regain the ground you have worked hard for. You have a right to your space when you need it, but bear in mind, it's hard for us to judge, sometimes.

From my own experience, I have always been very careful about touching women, even partners, because it's a minefield, even for NT's. I don't ever want to be seen to be forcing physical attention on someone. We get enough misunderstanding.

His reasons may be completely different and mainly sensory, though.

I am only hypothesising. You know him best.

Have you ever heard the joke about the old Finnish farmer?

He loved his wife so much, he almost told her once.

Finnish men in general aren't known for being open about their emotions and feelings. Maybe this is changing with the younger generations, but you probably know more than I do that it has long been part of the national ethos.

Aspergers will certainly exacerbate that. Just be patient and understanding. Trust that he does love you, and finds it hard to tell you.

And by the way---your English is great.

hilarious!
Never heard before, but yes, that's the way Finns are.


That's true, Finnish men are naturally like they all had Asperger's



The hardest part is trust on days when he ignores me totally. On the other hand, nobody can be forced to be with me or love me. I always try to remember that. I honor his need of being alone, but sometimes it hurts and it feels like he hates me. However, it's more easier today than it was few months ago and sometimes I even enjoy to be with myself I also have learned that after those "silent days" he is more relaxed.

Thank you all for your support!

Aspies and other HFAs do usually require a lot of solitary time. Just normal situations and living can be much more taxing to Aspies and the quiet time is very needed to maintain balance. We also are very much creatures of habit, and changes are difficult.

The best method I have found to improve relations (I have an NT wife) was to talk openly about our feelings and both become somewhat knowledgable on autism. It helps to identify if a particular issue is just personality, or autism related. The situation you describe is I think very common in a NT-AS pairing. But its far from hopeless. The differences and our ways were what attracted us to each other in the beginning and remain valid indefinately. We can also complement each others strengths and weaknesses.

It's like learning each others mental language. For the same behavior can mean two very different things.

It helps if both, are willing to make modifications to their behavior for the other. But its like a big ship. It can't make a sharp turn. It has to slowly come around.