(How) Did it work for you?

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As everybody around me is having successful relationships or at least has had a lot of experience already, it often makes me reflect and compare that to myself and what a late bloomer I've always been. However, there are some points you reach when you have to ask yourself whether that is the case or if you will simply never have anything like that. I've been in an abusive relationship, continued what I saw at home. After I got out of that, I have stayed away. From it all. When I tried again, there were meaningless flings. I don't know what I want. I do, however, know what I don't want. I've never had that loving touch, someone to build me up or someone who was simply okay to be around. We all have our personal struggles and fears, but for me, it is the case of undiagnosed autism until I was 20 years old. So maybe you can imagine that this made my relations to others a little difficult.

I just want to get something off my chest and hopefully turn this into a learning process, meanwhile.

I don't know if I want a relationship, but I am someone who is very capable of experiencing romantic attraction. And boy, do I damn those feelings. To be frank though, what I want seems pretty irrelevant when I don't know if I am able to make something like that work in the first place. Do I have the space and patience for someone else? ... Does someone else have the patience for me?! Even if I had all the time in the world, would I want to split that? Can I finally realize that someone else is not a threat, but could be a blessing? Can I let go of my routines a bit? Will I ever get over myself and stop sabotaging everything out of fear?

I have spoken about this with another autistic lesbian who, unlike me, has never been in a relationship but was confronted with a girl showing interest. She said, and this really broke my heart... "How could I even know whether I have something to give? What if I only destroy her and myself in the process? I might be very alone, but at least it keeps me sane". It hit home! It reminded me of my mother asking me if I have found someone I am interested in recently. And all that came out was "I can't do that. That is not something for me.".

I don't know if I am able to make space for someone. I don't want to only ever be able to adjust. There is a big difference betwee nadjusting and appreciating. Feeling something that is not terrfying, but maybe satisfying. Instead of doing things just to keep up this damned facade once more. I'm worried it won't be up for much longer. So even though I have had a little bit of experience with a girlfriend and some romantic interests here and there, the way I view it is that relationships are something other people have. One of the many things I don't share with my fellow human beings. Once more, I am an observer. At times plainly aloof, other times very overwhelmed.

Listen, my love life could be turned into a few Morrissey songs and I am sure some of you feel the same way. Moping aside, I'd love some input from you or your partners. How and why it worked. Or not. How those things developed for you, how you coped with changes. Another big point for me is to ask you at which time the topic of autism was brought up.

a lot of what you write, i can relate. i'm NT but can still relate. the doubts over whether i had anything to offer, if i was even capable of maintaining a healthy relationship, whether i actually wanted to compromise and if yes, how far, and so on...i engaged in a bout of excruciating navel gazing, after leaving an abusive ex, that lasted over seven years before i took the plunge with my present bf (he's on the spectrum).

like you, i came to understand what i didn't want, which i think is crucial, before recognising and accepting what might work. understanding that a relationship wasn't the answer in of itself, no matter how lonely, was taking a step in the right direction for me.
when i decided that seven years of my navel had gotten boring, i joined a dating site...

this is how he and i met, and started out as nothing more than friends. we both used to post on the forums and his wit and intelligence was the draw. i emailed him about yet another post that had made me laugh, and somehow we stayed talking. there's a lot of personal stuff i'm leaving out here but suffice to say, circumstances meant he broke pattern and told me he was AS from the beginning. he normally passes very well and doesn't tell anyone, example, none of his family or friends know. perhaps a late diagnosis helped him, he was diagnosed at 35 (i think it was) and it forced him to adapt, not that any of it was easy on him.

this disclosure from the outset was a positive because it allowed me the opportunity to better understand him. i researched like a crazy person. tried to learn as much as i could.
and because writing used to be his preferred method of comms, we emailed war n peace to each other for over 9 months. it allowed us to get to know each other remarkably well.
you asked "how it worked?"...i'd say the "how" was in the willingness to be open with each other. it took time to build that mutual trust tho, he was cagey and lacked trust. as did i.

would disclosure be the best way forward, if this were someone else? it comes down to the two people concerned naturally but, to me personally and speaking from an NT perspective, disclosure is always better. it gives the other person in the equation the chance to adapt and understand behaviours that may appear negative if the knowledge is omitted. i'm sure there are many here with negative experiences that would disagree with me tho.

the "why it works?" ...is because we both put effort in...we both "adjust and appreciate" the other...don't get me wrong it's not as splendiferous as i'm making it sound, it's hard work, especially for me because i often have to adapt to his rigidity in thinking and innate stubbornness, but, i understand it's a part of the territory so generally speaking, i try and roll with it.
the positives are many...like all people, when the barriers dropped, i saw a decent human being. sod the AS. that's just a facet of who he is. he's not limited to just his AS.
so i guess the best way to answer your question would be to say, i like him (most days lol) and love him, regardless of the days when i want to kill him. slowly.
...and he affords me the same consideration (and violence, in his head) too

he has struggled with the changes tho. without a shadow of a doubt. it's sometimes required an enormous amount of patience. i process quickly, whereas it takes him longer (thanks to godzillawoman and zydk for pointing out what i only vaguely grasped previously) and this sometimes leads to a disconnect but i've learned to leave him to reach his own conclusions at his own pace and just wait. as i said, patience is key.

you know? it's all a risk. no one has the formula. it's a case of trial and error. get it wrong there are scars that one has to carry, get it right, and it ends up making up for the scars.
all i would say is, if you don't emotionally rebel at the notion, then give it a chance. you don't have to stay an observer : )

I'm a straight, male, NT but I think getting a perspective from a complete opposite may be a positive insight for you. After all I still have had similar experiences in the love department that you shared.

Just a quick back story on me is this. I was in a relationship for ten years. We had a child very young (I was 20 she was 17), we married 9 years later. Through out the relationship she cheated on me several times, some she would admit to, others I caught her in the act. Every time she blamed it on me. I took in a lot of mental and emotional abuse during those ten years. Like I seriously thought there was something wrong with me but I couldn't understand why she stayed if it was so bad or my fault. She finally left me for another man and we divorced 8 months after we married.

After that I couldn't trust another woman. Then something happened. I met someone while playing Call of Duty. As nerdy as that may seem we connected. Feeling quickly developed but I did no them want to. I did not want to be hurt once more. But when she tols me one day how she felt about me I let my guard down and just went with how my heart felt. She lived 3000 miles away all the way across the opposite side of the US from me. Long story short. I flew out there a bunch of times and she wound up living with me for the whole summer. After that we knew we couldn't do "this" any more. We had a mutual break up. It felt good and probably just what I needed.

Now I'm talking to this wonderful woman who has Asperger's (thats why Im here), and Im not afraid any more to put my feeling out there.

My point is the right person will answer all the questions you have. They will be worth it, you will make time, you will, adept or change your routine. You will do anything it takes to make it work. And if its the right person they will accommodate your needs to and make the sacrifices necessary.

The only you have to do is figure out, if you want to be in a relationship. The right person is there who will meet you have way but you remain unsure it will never happen.

Yes of course, much appreciated to hear it from NTs. To get out of my own head for a little bit. I would love to hear other people's experiences, I hope some of you chime in!