Confused by guy with AS

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Hello everyone,

I recently met a man with AS who behaved like men do when they are very interested in me. Initially it freaked me out a bit because he was very tactile as well. However, I feel I really like him and would like to give it a try. I texted him to let him know that I liked him to which he responded with a very wishy washy reply. He didn't say yes, he didn't say no. It was all very careful and 'maybe...perhaps..." kind of a reply. I replied I understood if he didn't want anything romantic atm, apologised for misreading the situation and said that we could hopefully still be friends in the future maybe.

Now here's my problem: my friends know him and say he has been acting very strangely ever since I told him. He's ignoring his own friends, having meltdowns and saying he doesn't want to talk about what's going on. Initially I thought it would be something else until one of his relatives managed to have a conversation with him in which he confessed that he felt confused about his feelings for me and didn't know what to do or how he "really" felt.

My friends think I should keep trying because he seems so affected by it all and certainly doesn't seem indifferent. According to them this is "not the behaviour of a guy who doesn't like you". But I am not sure what to think... Before I told him everyone was joking that we seemed a perfect match in social situations.

But my problem is that he seems so on edge when I am around him. He ignores me and has little meltdowns when we are together... It's so sad for me to see. I am clearly hurting him so I am wondering if I should stay away for his sake? I don't know what he would want me to do... I'm afraid to ask him as well because he seems so fragile I don't want to upset him even more...

Any insight is welcome! Thanks

To be honest:

Unless you think he is "The One," I'd nip this in the bud right now.

The guy just doesn't seem ready for a relationship.

He's having meltdowns even before you are officially "going out?"

Not a good sign.

Unless you feel like you want to nurse the guy somehow, or you feel that your nurturing might really help him out. I would just forget it.

Seems like a recipe for emotional disaster at both ends.

Thanks for the quick reply Your answer seems sensible of course... to be honest I feel very drawn towards
nurturing and helping him out to be honest. It's also going to be quite hard to stay away from him entirely because we work together and are bound to have to interact at some point... Sigh! So even if nothing came of it, I still feel I need to nurture it somehow to make the situations more bearable for him. He doesn't seem as high functioning as most of you on here so perhaps that's also something I should consider.
Anyway, thanks for the input! I would still be interested in hearing from extremely shy and sensitive people how they might like someone to approach this situation... I wish I knew how to behave to make him feel comfortable.

Thanks x Nora

Behave like a friend, but a friend who has his best interests in mind.

But always be gentle, even when you're being critical.

thank you

Might seem like a weird question, but have you told him this? A direct approach may be the most helpful here

I told him I liked him and that I understood if he wasn't interested, yes. But judging from how uncomfortable he gets when I am around he is in pain and I haven't addressed anything further. So not sure what I could say directly when he is already close to meltdown... not sure what could help then! So I haven't told him anything directly after telling him I liked him. Thanks for the reply

I wish I could be of more help. All I can say is that personally I dislike being in a situation where I don't know what the other person is thinking. I want honesty above all else. But I'm not claiming to be the same as all autistic people, so I can't say any more about what this guy is going through.

No worries, thanks for the input. I have a vibe honesty and directness is important to him as well but he is sooooo fragile. It's hard to know what to do because he does seem a lot less highly functioning than most aspies... But thank you for your input x

Yes, I think I can relate to this, and I'm probably more high-functioning than most Aspies here.

I think you are overloading him be going way too fast. I'd too be overloaded if a girl I liked tried to advance things too fast. I prefer at least a few months of nonverbal observation before I'd be comfortable with talking to a girl I liked romantically.

Hi rdos,
Thanks a lot for your kind reply. What you say sounds very recognisable. I would have backed off instantly and thought he didn't like me but then his initial behaviour wouldn't have made sense. I feel there was something + then his nervous overreactions to my presence didn't seem normal... not like someone who "doesn't care". Thank you for telling me about your experiences. Personally I also like to observe people for a while and I dislike being approached. I was a bit confused about how tactile he was initially and misread him because of that I think. I will consider what you have said carefully. I think a lot of people underestimate how sensitive and shy some (wonderful )people can be. Thank you!

What does he do for your company?

Also: you should find out about his "special interest." And talk about that, rather than romantic things. I believe this would put him in more of a "comfort zone" with you.

Why do you want a romantic relationship with someone who you think is so incapable? Less functioning than most aspies... Well, how is he able to hold a job then?

Also remember, people with Asperger don't necessary communicate their feelings with their face expression and body language so when you say he seems so fragile, he may be everything but that. He may even be furious.

If I really like a girl, I don't think I could do the "few months of nonverbal observation." It would drive me bonkers.

I've done this sort of thing--I used to look up this girl's window all the time when I was 15, because she was like Maria in "West Side Story." Didn't work out too well, except for this one night where she grabbed me, and we kissed in her building's vestibule.

I would want to talk to her NOW. I might want to have sex with her---but I'd wait for the right time for both of us.

Thanks for the many replies & ideas! To answer all your questions:

- He works in the proof reading department and is doing well at work because his job involves little interaction with others. He is very good at what he does and spends most his days reading, writing & correcting stuff on computers. He's had a few meltdowns in the cafeteria so he stays away from people most of the time. He does seem to do very well socially with the people who work in his department though.

-Picking up on special interests has definitely work well in the past. Thanks for the reassurance

- I don't see him as incapable. I am trying to judge objectively based on the research I have done. Based on this I would say he struggles very badly in social situations that are unknown to him. I simply love him. I don't have another explanation. These things just happen to me. I don't cherry pick the people I like.

- I am not sure if he is feeling 'fragile'. I can just feel that something is wrong. Thanks for pointing out that he might even be angry at me/the situation though. I hadn't considered that as a possibility.

-He does seem like the type who might do well with the quiet observation period actually. It just makes more sense to me given what he behaves like and how afraid he seems. I know this might seem incomprehensible for many people who say that guys will approach someone they like, but I doubt this very much. I personally stay away from people I like as well because I am so afraid of messing up and being rejected etc. I can imagine why I may have come across as rushing things... he seemed social around the people in his department when I met him which is why I think I might have misread the situation.


Thanks for all the input! much appreciated!

xxxx