Interacting with narcissistic ex who has kids with bf

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My boyfriend had two children with this woman who took off and didn't see them for 1.5 years while the kids were at the ages 1 and 2.

Their relationship sounds like it should have never happened from what he's told me. She put spyware on his computer so he couldn't look at porn when she didn't want sex. Pressured him to do sexual things he didn't want to do when she did want to have sex. Like, somewhat masochistic things. She's been to jail for stealing money from a company she worked for. She was also abandoned by her own mother and was raised by a super Christian family. Messed up things happened while she grew up there. She says that Halloween is a 'heathen' holiday. Which yeah, it is. But that's why I like it. I'm definitely not a Christian. And the way she acts, she isn't either but you know...I guess that's the point of Christianity?

Anyway, now (after the 1.5 years) the kids are 2 and 3. She's ready to be a 'mother' and wants the kids part time. Which is good, I guess? Hopefully. They were upset when they had to go to her house.

She texted him and says she has to meet me because I'm going to be around her kids (I guess she wants to make sure I'm not like, the type of person who would abandon kids?). Thinking about meeting this woman (if that's what you want to call her) exhausts me. I just...really don't want to be fake. There's no way she'll ever have my respect and I feel she's the least qualified to judge anyone. I also get this feeling that she will probably disapprove of anyone he dates just so that she can have that stamp in his life. Like, she will dislike me just to spite him and then she will try to not give the kids back to him and they'll have to go to court over it.

If you have any advice or insight on how to interact (or not interact) with this woman I would much appreciate it.

My Cr0.02 ...

1. Agree to meet only in a public place, like a restaurant.
2. Let a few good friends know, and ask them to be at the restaurant.
3. Make sure that at least one person is discreetly recording everything.
4. Be on your best behavior - don't let her goad you into anger.
5. Sign nothing, volunteer nothing, and do nothing that will in any way put you under her control.
6. Give her no personal information about yourself, your relatives, your job, your religious beliefs, your income, et cetera. The less she knows about you, the less she can twist and use against you.
7. Don't fall for any "guilt trip" that she may try to impose upon you.

So your boyfriend was the one raising the kids for the last year and a half? Does he have custody? Do you live with him and the kids?

What I'll say is not going to be popular: you have no obligation whatsoever to meet this woman and be "vetted" by her. I'd say discuss this with your boyfriend and explain that given what you know of his ex and her behaviour you're not interested/comfortable with meeting her. If she's indeed a narcissist her intentions will not be good and she can cause significant harm to you, your relationship and the children.

And be careful, such situations have a huge potential for drama, with the kids being used as a weapon. You and your boyfriend will need to communicate clearly with each other, come up with a strategy and make sure the both of you stay on the same side and not allow being manipulated and turned against each other. If she's determined to cause trouble the father should seriously consider consulting a layer and applying for full custody before things get really bad.

Good luck, it's a difficult situation.

Yes, he’s been the one raising the kids for the past year and a half. And anytime they go to visit their mother or her parents, he has to drive them the 4 hrs. They never drive down to see the kids themselves. So, part of me just wants to tell my bf that if she really wants to meet me she’ll have to come down here. I’m DEFINITELY not comfortable with meeting her alone and I’m not going to set aside time to do it either. If she happens to be there one of the times I ride with him to take the kids to visit then, so be it. We’ll meet. But there’s no way I’m going to lunch with her or anything like that. I don’t have a car so, she’d be driving. She’d probably leave me stranded somewhere.



He doesn’t have custody and she never tried to get the kids before. He also told me that it took her over a year to even talk to the kids on the phone. When she found out she was having a boy, she cried. In a bad way. He told me that as soon as the children started to develop their own personalities, she didn't like it. Because she couldn't be in total control anymore. I hate people like that because I have family members like that.



I’ve been here for over a week and once he gets papers for me to, I will be moving in. I will be babysitting his (their?) kids. I feel badly for them. I cannot replace the mother figure I can only be a good friend/protector to them. I know it will be hard for them to trust women from now on?



So, I guess when the topic comes up again (if it does) I’ll tell him it makes me uncomfortable meeting her. I don’t trust her at all.