It sounds like you have had a very rough time with multiple stressors. You haven't heard from that guy since he just walked out of the room?
I can relate to your loneliness and feelings toward yourself, marriage/relationships, etc. About a year ago I split from my partner of 6.5 years. She is a functional alcoholic with a major fear of abandonment and it was really not working. She also had little sympathy for my sensory issues, so I was in constant discomfort at home. I live alone, which is fine, but can't have pets, so she got to keep the cats. This was very difficult since I did all the bonding with the cats, and she felt they should love her the way she wanted to be loved. My mom, who has many BPD characteristics, seems to have turned most of my family against me since I have issues with her verbal abuse toward me and the rest of the family. So most of them have stopped contact with me.
I get out, and belong to some groups on Meetup, but it can be so hard to date and find the right people for your life. People tend not to be clear or direct. I'm 33 and people tend to think I'm in college, straight out of college, or (rarely) in high school. So I don't find many who think of me as someone to get to know romantically. I suppose I'm missing out on a lot of boring people, though, so I can't complain too much. But, it does seem as if many people are indirect because they are cowardly, and want to avoid any awkward or previously unexperienced situation, so they just disappear; though they will complain of all the liars and cheaters they've dealt with.
Why do you feel relationships and marriage are like a dream? I think it can feel that way because the difficulties are hard to understand. It all seems so random.
