Feeling Misogynistic and Would Like Some Advice

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Because of my relationship with my single, (recovered) alcoholic mother and my crushed first romantic relationship, I'm feeling a little - no, probably more like very - angry towards women. I think I actually have gone so far as to hate them. I don't know what to do about this, and have spoken with my therapist (who believes that my insight holds true, but has so far only given me the advice that I need to work harder at building a new relationship than the potential new female partner does), and it's driving me insane that I'm having awful violent/sexual fantasies about women. I don't want to feel this level of misogyny, but I feel like I can't help it. Guys (and gals) - do you have any advice for me?

Is there simply no woman who won't bite my head off? (or if they are nice, are any of them freaking single???)

All you have to do is realise you're in a good position right now and appreciate that.

Was your first relationship with someone abusive like your mom?

You will have to wait and recover mentally or you'll just end up in another exactly like it.

Maybe you can just hate your mum and your ex without hating all women. That's what I do.

We can't do what your therapist couldn't so far.

Perhaps you need to more follow up with him/her.

I think it's pretty common for people to go through patches where they hate on the opposite sex to some extent. It sounds like maybe you're going through a more intense version of that because you've had some really negative experiences with the women in your life. But try not to mention anything along the lines of awful violent sexual fantasies again ever - it might be a little bit intimidating/off putting for the nice women you'd like to attract.

I'm sure you've had nice interactions with women as well. Make those interactions part of your "world view," too.

I've had bad experiences with women too; but I try not to let these experiences color my overall view of women, and of the world in general.

What other advice could I offer?

I'm glad you're at least admitting that you have something to be concerned about.

I would continue to work with your therapist although sometimes it can be a slow process. The fact you realise it's an issue for you and you want to fix it shows that you willing to get help.

Maybe talking to some women would help? If it was safe and non confrontational.

I used to dislike men due to bad experiences with an uncle but in time I realised that not all men were cruel and beastly. In fact a lot of them are quite lovable and fun to be around

Have you mentioned the violent sexual fantasies to your therapist? I think you should, because that sounds like a separate issue from the anger towards your mom and ex.

No, every girl in the world is born with a designated partner (sarcasm).

Don't be foolish. Women aren't obligated to be nice to you. And I say this objectively and seriously. No one in the world HAS to be nice. You probably, definitely, amplify the 'bad' interactions you have with them in your head each and every time. That's a symptom of depression and other issues when you can't ever see the light and/or good and everything is just bad and dark.
The truth is, the world is very grey in those regards. There's bad, good, in between.

I suggest thinking to yourself 'what do I like? What do I enjoy?' Is it nerdy stuff? Cooking? Maths? Science? Exercise? Are you a gym rat?

Find something you personally like and then find a woman who can appreciate that or at least hold a conversation about it. Start off small. Make a female friend. It'd be easiest to do it first online. Then move from there if you can. You'll get the idea eventually. And if you don't, well, I just hope you turn yourself into the police should you go full on Ed GEIN lol

Lift Bro.

On a more serious note, I can relate somewhat. I don't have an abusive mom story or "bad relationship" story, but I've been rejected. A lot.

One day, I was bored and started doing some lazy math. Say I've been on Tinder for 2 years, and used it every other day, and Tinder lets you right-swipe a variable number of people every 12 hours, ranging from 80-100. Assuming I wait 24 hours instead, and assume a lower average of 85 right swipes per day, that leads to having done approximately 31,025 right swipes. The number is probably a lot higher, but includes "repeat swipes" and spambots ("Hi there. I am very naughty tonight. Check out my camshow at www.thisisnotavirus.com" or something stupid like that).

I asked myself "Is it me?" Bad photos only account for so much, surely at least *one* woman reads a profile. "Is it the fact that this city is full of basic hos?" Except that ultimately wasn't a fact. I think what fundamentally helped me quit taking the whole thing so seriously was reading an article from a local news site about the writer's experiences with guys in turn. The "Cute" guy was the worst, as while their first date doing bar trivia date was ok, the second date of "let's tour my house" quickly went into creepy territory when he showed her the shed in his backyard. ("I built this myself. This is your new home from now on.")

If *this* cute, well-written woman had such a horrific time dating too, then it really *isn't* women or men or otherwise, so much as that online dating itself is overall a waste of time.

So I opted out, and decided to focus on personal hobbies while trying new activities with more frequency, looking for something that would A) be of personal interest, and B) have women. In *that* order, specifically. If you go to an area you have no interest in, JUST to meet women...don't blame anyone but yourself for it not working out.

Even if that something new doesn't directly result in you meeting new people, you may make friends/better acquaintances, you get out more, and you might learn a cool skill or two. In my case, I got into blacksmithing, and am still getting into gemwork. The week prior to Mother's Day, I attended a blacksmithing festival up in the Appalachian mountains with my sister, and we bought an amethyst cluster. The following Saturday, I attended an open house for a local art studio, where our local Gem & Mineral club was giving demonstrations and lessons. I brought the cluster to a member, whom took it to a Diamond Pacific grinding wheel and smoothed it out, while another member taught me how to wire-wrap it. In the end, I was able to give my mom a personalized necklace for Mother's Day that went great with her earrings. Cool hobbies and cool gifts result in cool stories and you become more attractive over time.

It doesn't even need to be a passion per se, but some sort of desire to plug up a personal flaw you have. In my case, I got into contra dance specifically so I wouldn't freak out about asking out women for anything, or so I could be less clumsy/spastic in general, and I got into Toastmasters to help with communication flubs. On the "to-try" list includes a local junior chamber of commerce ("How to interact with yuppies"), and yoga (Because I stress way too easily. Yes, yoga pants are a fetish item, but if *that's* the reason you go to yoga for...you're going to be a creeper.)

Regarding violent fantasies: How violent? Like, S&M with dubious consent violent? Or "Elliot Rodgers" violent? I used to have fantasies of the former, rather than the latter. Actually, I might have them from time to time. The thing is separating fantasies from actual reality, especially because sometimes it's the inherent "wrongness" or "taboo" nature of fantasies that make them alluring.

Do you have a constructive outlet for your anger that you can redirect towards, while you continue you therapy?

My advice would be to work on forgiving the women who've made you angry, your mother and your ex, which will make you feel better generally (grudges tend to give their holder heartburn), and likely help with this misdirected anger at women as a whole.

Anger is a natural emotion when one has been hurt. It doesn't have to be your focus though. You can use your energy for other things. Like Dox says about forgiving them. Forgiveness is powerful.

Thoughts are not actions. Don't be afraid of them. I have violent fantasies sometimes, when I'm under stress. My psychiatrist told me that it's not abnormal.
You are already going in the right direction, I think. You can't make yourself not feel angry, but you don't have to embrace it either.

Sure.

Psychopaths lack the anxiety to prevent them doing harmful actions. They wouldn't be be concerned about it.

Anxiety has a purpose in our moral judgements. It makes us question our emotional impulses.

I would give the exact opposite advice of this--not to tell potential dates about these "fantasies", but to disclose them to your therapist if you haven't already. Violent fantasies can lead to dangerous and even criminal behaviour if they become obsessive. You may be able to remove that danger by consulting with your therapist and finding healthier ways to express your frustration and anger.

Fantasies are less likely to be dangerous if the person is concerned about them, and doesn't experience radical changes in mental state, such as psychosis, fluid personality or though narcotics abuse.

Simply being concerned about them indicates a reluctance to act on them. Lack of concern is a warning sign.

Some people with Pure Obsessive OCD get disturbing thoughts that are unwelcome. They are disturbing to them as the would be to anyone.