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Why do women seem so difficult to read?

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Klinx
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19 Jul 2012, 9:45 pm

This is still a fairly complicated issue for me, so I apologize if I wasn't too thorough in my explanation.

I have had a total of three relationships over the course of my high school years. I'm going on 20 this November, and I've completed a year of college. The three relationships I had in high school all ended after a very short period of time. The longest of these relationships lasted a month, and despite it being the sourest and most detested relationship of them all (for reasons I'm really embarrassed to explain), I have not had another one since (that was Junior year). In college, I find it nearly impossible to begin trying to find a girl to start a relationship with, let alone befriend.

Although it would seem I know how to get around, I really don't. I'm extremely shy, and I have a hard time doing extended conversations with any one individual. I'm extremely sympathetic and empathetic (contrary to the popular diagnosis for those with AS), and I try my hardest to help those who have personal problems. I have one of the longest strings of patience imaginable due to my own life experiences, and very rarely get angry. My biggest fear is that if or when I'm fortunate enough to obtain a long-lasting relationship, I would be nothing but a huge burden to my partner and that because of it she'd leave me (I've read the Aspie books, believe me); which is why I've even been doing simple things around the house that most people would deem "common sense". I figured that traits such as the ones I described just now are things lots of women like to see in guys, but they appear to be all over the map with what they want. It becomes very hard to follow.

Any help from ladies on this forum would be greatly appreciated! And again, sorry if I wasn't thorough enough.


P.S. I'd actually really like to meet an AS girl because I don't believe I've ever met one before, and I feel that even if I never entered a relationship with one, I feel she would be much more understanding of where I'm coming from.



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19 Jul 2012, 9:53 pm

Because they're batshit crazy, the whole lot of 'em.

I think it's because of an aspie's trouble with interpersonal communication. NT women are the acknowledged masters of subtle hints and body language, which are entirely lost on us. The way they communicate is the polar opposite of what an aspie needs in order to understand. It's a big part of why aspie females seem (from what I've read on this board) to have an even harder time than males fitting in with their peers.


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19 Jul 2012, 9:57 pm

Klinx wrote:
P.S. I'd actually really like to meet an AS girl because I don't believe I've ever met one before, and I feel that even if I never entered a relationship with one, I feel she would be much more understanding of where I'm coming from.


Trust me, depending on how far along the spectrum they are; understanding, patient, open-minded and empathic are definitely not words I would associate with an Aspie guy or girl. It really depends on the individual, their upbringing.



Last edited by JanuaryMan on 19 Jul 2012, 10:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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19 Jul 2012, 10:09 pm

JanuaryMan wrote:
Klinx wrote:
P.S. I'd actually really like to meet an AS girl because I don't believe I've ever met one before, and I feel that even if I never entered a relationship with one, I feel she would be much more understanding of where I'm coming from.


Trust me, depending on how far along the spectrum they are; understanding, patient, open-minded and empathic are definitely not words I would associate with an Aspie guy or girl. It really depends on the individual, and their upbringing


fixed that for you



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19 Jul 2012, 10:13 pm

MXH wrote:
JanuaryMan wrote:
Klinx wrote:
P.S. I'd actually really like to meet an AS girl because I don't believe I've ever met one before, and I feel that even if I never entered a relationship with one, I feel she would be much more understanding of where I'm coming from.


Trust me, depending on how far along the spectrum they are; understanding, patient, open-minded and empathic are definitely not words I would associate with an Aspie guy or girl. It really depends on the individual, and their upbringing


fixed that for you


Thanks :)



Last edited by JanuaryMan on 19 Jul 2012, 10:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

MXH
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19 Jul 2012, 10:15 pm

JanuaryMan wrote:
MXH wrote:
JanuaryMan wrote:
Klinx wrote:
P.S. I'd actually really like to meet an AS girl because I don't believe I've ever met one before, and I feel that even if I never entered a relationship with one, I feel she would be much more understanding of where I'm coming from.


Trust me, depending on how far along the spectrum they are; understanding, patient, open-minded and empathic are definitely not words I would associate with an Aspie guy or girl. It really depends on the individual, and their upbringing


fixed that for you


Thanks :)
Though I would contest some people's Asperger's is more intense than others and it can affect their ability to cope and understand things. I've spoken to men and women AS that expect the world to understand them to a T yet they won't even consider patience for people that are similar to them in experience.


i just feel that mentioning AS in such a manner allows people to use it as a crutch for themselves.



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19 Jul 2012, 10:17 pm

It's not uncommon for an NT males to have the same complaint about women and their subtle hints. It is pretty funny when I hear some of them complain about it, yet they have girlfriends and seem to make it work for a little while at least. There is more than just the subtle hints and body language. I think that NT males are able to process these subtle hints a little quicker than us Aspie males.
My best friend says that women either want attention, or want to be completely disregarded and treated like crap. He then went on to say that if he knew his ex wanted to be treated like crap, he would have been with her longer. I guess he knew the subtle hints after the fact. Since then he has dated a few people and knew when to leave. And yet, he envies me sometimes for choosing not to care about it anymore. I don't get why at all. I envy him because he can at least get someone's attention for more than 15 minutes.



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19 Jul 2012, 10:22 pm

MXH wrote:

i just feel that mentioning AS in such a manner allows people to use it as a crutch for themselves.


This is pretty true. My experience tells me that women hate it when you use what she might not understand or never even heard of to defend yourself. It tells her that she should assume the worst or feel sorry for you and run for the hills.



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19 Jul 2012, 10:29 pm

aspiemike wrote:
MXH wrote:

i just feel that mentioning AS in such a manner allows people to use it as a crutch for themselves.


This is pretty true. My experience tells me that women hate it when you use what she might not understand or never even heard of to defend yourself. It tells her that she should assume the worst or feel sorry for you and run for the hills.


MXH: I can see how it'd come across as a crutch. I really do. That was not my intent.

aspiemike: Eventually, though, if you are in a long standing relationship, she's gonna have to know. It's a matter of when and how to break it to her without making it seem like she'll be thrust into a world of agony and torment at the thought of supporting her new husband as though he were a child.



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19 Jul 2012, 10:38 pm

Klinx wrote:
aspiemike wrote:
MXH wrote:

i just feel that mentioning AS in such a manner allows people to use it as a crutch for themselves.


This is pretty true. My experience tells me that women hate it when you use what she might not understand or never even heard of to defend yourself. It tells her that she should assume the worst or feel sorry for you and run for the hills.


MXH: I can see how it'd come across as a crutch. I really do. That was not my intent.

aspiemike: Eventually, though, if you are in a long standing relationship, she's gonna have to know. It's a matter of when and how to break it to her without making it seem like she'll be thrust into a world of agony and torment at the thought of supporting her new husband as though he were a child.


Marriage? If an Aspie male lasted that long before telling her SO, I would guess that he had everybody fooled. However, I should have been more clear. Don't volunteer information unless asked. That is the mistake I have made a couple of times. The next thing you know, she won't return phone calls or text messages.



Klinx
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19 Jul 2012, 10:46 pm

aspiemike wrote:
Klinx wrote:
aspiemike wrote:
MXH wrote:

i just feel that mentioning AS in such a manner allows people to use it as a crutch for themselves.


This is pretty true. My experience tells me that women hate it when you use what she might not understand or never even heard of to defend yourself. It tells her that she should assume the worst or feel sorry for you and run for the hills.


MXH: I can see how it'd come across as a crutch. I really do. That was not my intent.

aspiemike: Eventually, though, if you are in a long standing relationship, she's gonna have to know. It's a matter of when and how to break it to her without making it seem like she'll be thrust into a world of agony and torment at the thought of supporting her new husband as though he were a child.


Marriage? If an Aspie male lasted that long before telling her SO, I would guess that he had everybody fooled. However, I should have been more clear. Don't volunteer information unless asked. That is the mistake I have made a couple of times. The next thing you know, she won't return phone calls or text messages.


Ahhh, I see what you're saying. Know when you're about to give too much information, and don't...unless prompted appropriately. I probably came across too forcefully to a lot of people then.



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19 Jul 2012, 11:36 pm

Klinx wrote:
This is still a fairly complicated issue for me, so I apologize if I wasn't too thorough in my explanation.

I have had a total of three relationships over the course of my high school years. I'm going on 20 this November, and I've completed a year of college. The three relationships I had in high school all ended after a very short period of time. The longest of these relationships lasted a month, and despite it being the sourest and most detested relationship of them all (for reasons I'm really embarrassed to explain), I have not had another one since (that was Junior year). In college, I find it nearly impossible to begin trying to find a girl to start a relationship with, let alone befriend.

Although it would seem I know how to get around, I really don't. I'm extremely shy, and I have a hard time doing extended conversations with any one individual. I'm extremely sympathetic and empathetic (contrary to the popular diagnosis for those with AS), and I try my hardest to help those who have personal problems. I have one of the longest strings of patience imaginable due to my own life experiences, and very rarely get angry. My biggest fear is that if or when I'm fortunate enough to obtain a long-lasting relationship, I would be nothing but a huge burden to my partner and that because of it she'd leave me (I've read the Aspie books, believe me); which is why I've even been doing simple things around the house that most people would deem "common sense". I figured that traits such as the ones I described just now are things lots of women like to see in guys, but they appear to be all over the map with what they want. It becomes very hard to follow.

Any help from ladies on this forum would be greatly appreciated! And again, sorry if I wasn't thorough enough.


P.S. I'd actually really like to meet an AS girl because I don't believe I've ever met one before, and I feel that even if I never entered a relationship with one, I feel she would be much more understanding of where I'm coming from.


I think what women expect of a partner in a romantic relationship are actually fairly standard, and are not necessarily things they communicate because they don't know they need to be communicated.

So your girlfriends might have been difficult to read because there was nothing to read...at least at first. However you will have to provide more context to the situation for me to provide you with a better answer.



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19 Jul 2012, 11:41 pm

mds_02 wrote:
Because they're batshit crazy, the whole lot of 'em.

I think it's because of an aspie's trouble with interpersonal communication. NT women are the acknowledged masters of subtle hints and body language, which are entirely lost on us. The way they communicate is the polar opposite of what an aspie needs in order to understand. It's a big part of why aspie females seem (from what I've read on this board) to have an even harder time than males fitting in with their peers.


They are the masters of subtle hints. And I won't deny that they can be incredibly frustrating and confusing to deal with. However to some extent, women can be understood through careful analysis which takes into consideration their evolutionary history, and to another extent, by attempting to put yourself in their shoes, and envisioning that that which they are tasked with dealing with is now applied to you.

The latter is useful to understand things in women that are not innate, but more a matter of situation.



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19 Jul 2012, 11:42 pm

Do you guys think it's easy for us to understand you?

I think it's adds a layer of difficulty when you're communicating with someone different (like someone from another culture), and if you're a man, women are different from you (generally, because we're socialized differently).


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19 Jul 2012, 11:45 pm

Men without Autism characteristics have tremendous difficulty with them, so it would seem we're at a double disadvantage.



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20 Jul 2012, 12:30 am

DogsWithoutHorses wrote:
Do you guys think it's easy for us to understand you?

I think it's adds a layer of difficulty when you're communicating with someone different (like someone from another culture), and if you're a man, women are different from you (generally, because we're socialized differently).


That's probably why I like tomboy girls or at least I seem to get along with them much better than the typical feminine girl.