Aspie Ex still 100% dependent

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GayAspieBoi
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20 May 2016, 12:54 pm

1. Context/History:

I am a gay 26 year old who started dating a gay 32 year old. We are both on spectrum.

I thought he was more emotionally and mentally developed until his brother moved out. That was when my ex spiralled out of control. I found out from my ex's brother that this was not new behavior and was typical. In fact, it was worse before I showed up.

Drug addiction ( literally 24/7 marijuana use at $150-$200 a week, Shrooms, alcohol and now LSD/acid at least once a week. Did I forget to mention that both he and I are poor?)

Once he tried to kill himself because I said he was drinking too much and getting to aggressive, I called off our engagement. It was too much and I couldn't bare possibility being in a situation someday where I would become a mean person to him. So I ended it right then and there.

2. The current issue?

Now I am trapped. I need to get away because I can only maintain this kindness and sweetness for so long. If I have to do it one more month I will snap. It's just too much to deal with.

I can't save money ever or take care of anything important. He literally can't do anything on his own. His brother won't move back in to take care of him, but will buy all of my ex's drugs for him because it benefits him too. They both use.

My ex has no friends, no money management skills, a terrible drug addiction that uses up all of his money, and terrible agoraphobia issues that prevent him from catching cabs, uber or buses, and can become suicidal in the blink of eye.

I am on pins and needles all the time worrying bout his safety and happiness, while dealing with terrible internal mood swings because I am pretending like his drug use does not repulse me and make me hate him.

3. How do I leave?

He's like a baby. He can't be alone and his brother won't move back in to take care of him. Before his brother moved in with him, his deceased mom was living with him. He doesn't have anyone else now.

I'm afraid something bad will happen to him if I am not here to protect t him, but it's too much!

How do I force his brother to step up so I can leave? :cry: I'm dying inside everyday.



Anngables
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20 May 2016, 1:25 pm

You have to move out to protect yourself and your mental health. I think the brother won't step in until he absolutely has to , but saying that it's probably not fair on him. I would suggest researching information of help phone lines, local support groups, drug support and anything else you might consider applicable. Then you have to just go . . .. . Remember you are not the person who is able to help him in this situation. He has turned you into his carer and it is not healthy for either of you. It will be tough and you need to make sure you have support of your own. Good luck hope things work out ok. Take care



Jacoby
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20 May 2016, 1:32 pm

I imagine his brother doesn't want to live with him either, you can't force somebody to 'step up' so I don't really think it is an avenue worth perusing. It's a tough situation but if you are done with the relationship and can't do no more then it really is just sink or swim, just leave I guess. He's not taking hard drugs so either you confront him about and try to get him to change or don't, the alcohol would kill him before anything else. He seems like a very depressed sad person to have to escape like that all the time. If you're gone and he doesn't have anyone else besides his brother then that's the only place he can go.



nick007
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24 May 2016, 9:18 pm

I don't think their is much you can do to get his brother to take care of him. You were supposed to be his boyfriend instead of his caretaker so you should NOT be responsible for him if you don't want to me. Move out & never look back.


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goldfish21
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26 May 2016, 3:06 pm

Did you post this story before? I feel like I read it months ago. Unless it was another gay aspie relationship gone sideways.

Anyways:

You're breaking up with him for your own health and sanity. He is not your problem. You are. You have choices. Walk away from this entire situation and never look back. Excommunicate him and his family from your life. Completely disappear. Literally put your shoes on, pack your things, and walk away. Change your phone number, block his emails/social media etc and move on, forward, and up with your life.

What he does or doesn't do from here on in is none of your concern. It's his problem to solve, not yours. Maybe his brother will come to his rescue, maybe not. Maybe he'll end up institutionalized, maybe not. But you staying there with him is enabling him to continue his abusive behaviour towards you & himself. Don't be an enabler. Make a firm decision and take action. Leave, cut ties, and never look back.

You staying also enables his brother not to have to be his keeper. His brother says he won't move back in to help him out, and as long as you're there that will hold true. But I bet if you leave he'll cry to his brother for help and his brother will return to look after him. That's what I would tell myself if I were you - but I wouldn't follow up to find out. I'd leave, forcing him to seek help from the only family he has, and assume that his brother will either help him again or arrange help for him. Then I'd never ever EVER make contact again to find out how things sorted themselves out.

From one gay aspie to another: Sometimes you've just got to do what's best for you and that is that. This is one of those times. Feel free to pm if you need.


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Incendax
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26 May 2016, 4:28 pm

The unfortunate answer: Even though you love him, he is not your responsibility.

You CAN choose to spend years as his personal therapist, building him up and helping him develop coping mechanism until he is able to handle life more proficiently. The relationship dynamic will not be one of equals, and there is a high chance that you will become bitter and burn out long before he reaches an acceptable level of competency.

You SHOULD write him a letter that explains why you are breaking up with him, and include simple goals that he can focus on working towards after the breakup (Stop trying to kill yourself. Stop using LSD. Stop smoking so much. Get a work-from-home job). You should NOT suggest at any point in the letter that you will get back together with him if he accomplishes these goals. These goals are for his personal health and success.

Then block his phone number and hope for the best.