NT Falling For Aspie, and need some help!

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Hi all, I'm hoping someone could give me some good sound advice here. I've known a sweet, caring, quiet, wonderful man since november, and until March, I only got to say hi a few times, but I knew there was something special about him, and was completely attracted to him from the get go. Then in March, we got to talk a lot more. However, the more I talked to him, the more I knew, I just wanted to be with him. I had to make that man mine. At the end of April, on my Birthday, I asked him out, and he said yes, and we've been regularly seeing each other ever since. Now, prior to all of this, I knew that he was an Aspie, but I don't think he is aware that I'm aware of this. He hasn't brought it up, and I, out of politeness haven't either. I don't know if he's afraid to bring it up to me, or what it is. The problem is, the closer we get, the closer I want to get to him. Everytime we're together, it's amazing, and we always share a hug before he leaves, which he now initiates, but I'm not sure what all he can handle... I have concerns and questions, because I do not want to make a step forward in the relationship that could be a sensory hell for him. I want him to be as comfortable as possible, when we're together and I don't want to do anything that is going to hurt him, or bring him great discomfort. Perhaps I am in the minority as far as NT's go, but I can deal with doing with out, as long as we're together, because what he brings to the table already makes me incredibly happy. He is enough, just as he is. However, if there is any possibility of us having more it aught to be explored, I think, just in case. Do to the fact that he is completely shy, and will not initiate, I know it would be up to me to do so, if this relationship is going to advance. I just don't know how to go about approaching this, to figure out where our boundries are going to have to be, since he doesn't talk about it with me. Also, from what I'm gathering, I'm his first. Help, what do I do? How do I safely approach this situation with him? Any help would be appreciated. Thank you.

How do you know he has Aspergers?

Just as long as you are not doing anything that causes drama you should be golden.
Each Aspie is also different in their approach(ableness) towards interactions.
From what I can tell, your initial approach was accepted, and now he initiates.

You can continue to initiate a little bit more at a time, one bit at a time, then wait until he initiates the same before you take further steps to initiate. For example, you initiated asking him out, then you stated that he now initiates hugs, thus sounding like originally it was you who initiated hugging. Try hugging for a bit longer and longer at a time for now if you are not sure how to proceed into something more... intimate ?

You mentioned about having talked with his mother. Does he still live with her or is independently on his own ? Anyway, through slowly initiating BITS at a time, the "routine" becomes more "predictable" for him, and gives the both of you something in which to look forward. Step up the notch a little, each interaction, from the asking out, into the hugging, into hugging for longer, eventual necking, etc. Actually, you said you are his 1st, meaning that you have already fully intertwined or 1st in terms of 1st lady with whom he has had any kind of relationship ?

Anyway, keep this the gradual-progression, and eventually you can basically have him "trained" into how to interact with you. I tell you, guys on the spectrum need guidance in relationships-interactions, and by simply guiding him through the steps of what he needs to learn about women he will be better-equipped to share with you what you want out of him (guidance can be in the form of things like moving his arms around your body into how you want him to hold/touch you). Feel free to explain why you want him to do certain things as you proceed (once should be enough). For example, should you ever get to the stage of post-sex if you have not yet experienced that level of intimacy, let him know to keep his arms around you and let you rest your head on his shoulder, because spectrum-guys (virgins) are often not aware that hopping up right after orgasm and leaving a lady by herself...

Well, you can gradually let him know how you feel, bit by bit, with each progressing level of intimacy, but definitely do not word things in such a manner as like "I want a guy who~" should you ever try to steer him towards any particular direction that does not describe him; that kind of statement WILL end up being interpreted as you wanting all of these guys who fit that description who are not him. However, you said that he is already everything you could want anyway, therefore this should not be a potential drama-creating issue (but you will want to know this anyway in case of future-reference necessity). I will stop here for now but feel free to ask for more assistance if anything unpredictable about my recommended approach happens.

This is a very beautiful thread. But as someone who's gotten bitter and jaded about anything romantic, I do have a question for the OP. The man she's describing sounds,---I mean it will all the respect in the world---well... beta. Not unlike me. And if I learned nothing else from experience, it's that women despise beta males.

So what exactly attracted you to him? The answer is largely irrelevant, as long as your attraction to him is real, but I am curious. Because what you're telling us going against everything evolutionary biology teaches.

Anyway, the only advice I can offer is a projection of my own experiences onto your man friend. Here are some tips:

1) Be non-threatening. "Non-threatening" is very subjective and far from cut-and-dried. I'm speaking as someone who uses the US Homeland Security system meant for terrorists to evaluate romantic candidates. For a good example of what makes someone threatening and what doesn't, check out the threads I made in the last two months. But to give you an example, don't act in ways as to inadvertently present yourself as a threat to his routine/lifestyle. So let's say he likes go for a bike ride and have a craft beer every Friday night; then let him! Don't question it, don't talk him into doing something else, nothing. At most, offer to join him.

2) Be fun. My definition of fun is quite close to mainstream NT definition. I like to drink beer, go dancing, ride trains, and play sports. I refuse to do have anything to do with a romantic partner who doesn't like at least three of those things. My biggest fear is a girlfriend who takes over my life and prevents me from taking part in "fun". I'm sure your man friend has similar fears. That said, aspies are very big on fairness. So you won't be in the wrong to introduce him to your "fun things" if you previously allowed him to do the same to you.

3) Be predictable. Routine and predictability re what makes an aspie, an aspie. So if you usually return his calls or texts within 3 hours, find a way to do that. Or give him an advance warning. Because chances are, he will wonder if you stopped liking him, if you suddenly don't text back within the usual 3 hours. Give him some sense of reassurance that you won't suddenly change on him unilaterally "because you felt like it".

4) Be a breath of fresh air. You didn't say how old either of you were, but most aspies over age 20---aspie men especially---have at a chip on their shoulder in the romantic department. So find a way to pleasantly surprise him, be it with little gifts, sexy affection, praise he likes hearing, or whatever his love language is.

All women despise beta males.

Total crock of s**t.

This woman despises alpha males.

This woman prefers beta males.

This woman does, however, have a problem with Beta Male Syndrome. You know, where the male in question believes all women despise beta males, and therefore you must be using him/slumming with him/killing time with him until an alpha male comes along. Where he accuses you of shopping around every time you go out by yourself, considers it a pre-dump if you want to spend an evening alone or God forbid with your family, and counts the dates until penetration occurs (and God help you if it's a double-digit number). Where he considers every other male, including your dad and brothers, an alpha and a threat. Where all his energy left from keeping you (on a chain) is dedicated toward wishing, wanting, and striving to become an alpha male.

And yes, you WILL be left in the dust faster than a horse turd if an alpha female shows interest.

This woman is a beta female (OK, this woman is probably an omega female) and takes enough s**t from alphas and alpha-wannabes out in the world. This woman is not dating that s**t, and this woman sure as he'll isn't coming home to that s**t.

There. Rant over.

Check him out real good for Beta Male Syndrome. Run from Beta Male Syndrome. You cannot cure it with time, love, and tenderness. The only one who can cure it is the sufferer. Look for envy, self-hate, a really deep-seated shame about the ASD. Take your time-- it's not always evident early on. I knew my first boyfriend for over a year before BMS showed itself, and almost three years before I realized he was permanently committed to the pursuit of alpha status and quit speaking to him even as a friend. Talked to my second one on the phone for nine months (long distance relationship) with a few short visits, thought he was wonderful. Then summer came. Instant total utter and complete BMS Hell. Had to spend every waking moment with him, constant pressure for sex, sniveling and raging every time I said, "I'm not ready." Gave in after just a couple weeks-- only made it worse. Started trying to break up with him in July. And August. And September. Finally gave him an ugly telephone dump in October. He came to my house and threatened me. He called up my elderly, recently widowed grandma on the phone and threatened HER. BMS is dangerous. BMS is where vicious abusers come from.

If he seems to be clear of that crap??

Hang out. Be patient. Socialize, have a good time. Indicate, clearly and in actual literal words, that you're interested in more than friendship. Don't push the speed of physical intimacy-- it will come if it's meant to. Emotional intimacy will come with time and fun and trust. And disclosure?? It'll come up. You'll know, or he will, when the right opportunity presents itself.

Think that was a little overbearing on his mom's part...

...but then again, I can project 6 years into the future and see myself telling my then-15-year-old son's girlfriend that he's ADHD and not to be afraid to exercise her own dang impulse control, vociferously if need be.

I hope she at least wasn't derisive or derogatory or otherwise sh***y about it.

What is or are the reason(s) for living with his mother ? (I sometimes hear people refer to the idea of Living in Mom's Basement as something they do not accept socially in the obvious manner to which they use the term derogatorily) And perhaps he should eventually move in with you ?

Thank you to everyone who gave advice, and yes, I am greatful for the great wisdom on this thread. :d After all, it is why I came out here. Since it would have been more than awkward going straight to the sorce, why not come to y'all? In my way of looking at it, it was the next best thing. Thank you bunches. Oh, and I don't know why he's living at home, and I believe it is quite rude to ask at this point, but I do know she is getting on in years, so that could be part of it. I know he is self sufficient, because he has a job, drives, and can take care of himself in the ways that matter... Either way, I take him as he is, because who he is is who I care for. He has brought color and beauty to my life, the likes to which I've never seen before, and I want to give some back to him, if I can.

How lovely to find a post from a fellow NT lady who seems to feel the same as I towards an aspie male. My friend is such a lovely person. If there is ever a problem he is the first person i turn to, it took a while for me to learn how much care there is behind each of his suggestions to help me through a situation. Usually followed by photos or YouTube clips to try and make me smile. Then for the rest of the day regular check ins to make sure I am ok. It took a while for us to both understand what the other needs. I would often try to push for answers about the future "where is this going" etc etc or suggest is going away on holiday which would have him running for,the hills . .. . . Literally.
In my defence I did not know he was an aspie or understand the implications. I have read everything I can find on the subject and am a regular visitor to this forum.
The myth that people on the spectrum can not have empathy truly amazes me. I have never felt so much care or concern given to me from a fellow human. We went on a trip and I was taken unwell and he was so very kind. Possibly not in an orthodox manner but certainly I understood that he was doing everything he could to make me feel better.
Money is a strange area. My friend has (as I understand) a fairly typical aspie attitude to money. He is incredibly practical, organised and careful. I could easily read it as him being rude or not liking me enough when he doesn't pay for things of flash lots of money. However he is equally as careful with my money if I give him control of my money or the kitty when we go days out. He still wants to weigh up the pros and cons of every expenditure. Having said that he has given me many beautiful presents and bought me chocolate and flowers.

The first time we went out together I touched his leg gently when we were making conversation and he nearly jumped through the roof of the car. He also stopped texting me other than good morning and good night after our time together. I thought he must have found me hideous. I texted him words to that effect and he was horrified that i would think that. In hind sight he was just needing time to recuperate and work through his thoughts and feelings. I must have been very hard work in the beginning before I appreciated his different needs and ways of processing things. He stuck with me though. Mind you I have put up,with some pretty irritable sounding texts when I have text him when he was busy. However once we talked it through and he understood I didn't expect him to answer if he were busy . . . I am happy to wait until he has a break, and that just a couple of kisses or a smiley face is a nice thing to receive to know someone is thinking of you, we seem to have sorted that issue.
What do I like from him? Why am I so attracted? I am a popular social professional woman with many friends. However no one and I mean no one has the ability to make me laugh as much, smile so often, be so interested in the wealth of knowledge and willingness to share that knowledge. He makes me feel safe in a manner I can't explain. And his hugs may not be frequent but they are the best in the world . . .. .

My advice is patience. It felt like it took my friend a long time to really trust I meant the things I said . . . .to learn that I truly do accept him just the way he is, and I take responsibility for my insecurities and neediness that he often finds confusing. . . . .. Don't know if that helps at all. It seems to have turned into a rather long post!

Oh my goodness, Anngable, you completely get it indeed! That is the approach that I decided to take with this, the slow and steady approach, as not to startle him, and it is working out nicely. Last night, we talked, listened to music, and held hands after watching a movie. I casually reached over to pat his hand, because he was feeling a bit tired, and he saw it as an opening, which it was, and took my hand. We've been holding hands ever since, when we're together. So, as time goes by, I'll try things little by little. I'm so glad I am not alone in this, my friend. You had mentioned the whole texting thing. When I text mine, he never answers, and it's been that way from day one. I think if I asked him a direct question, or needed a response from him, he would, but since it needed no reply in his mind, he didn't give one. I have accepted this, and I don't get upset over it. I normally text him so he knows he is thought of, anyhoe. I'm so glad there is someone else who understands how I feel though.

I don't know how to say it but I do think when dealing with someone with aspergers you should be frank. Like "your mother told me you have aspergers and that's fine with me"

Or maybe ask his mum if he's come to terms with having aspergers first

Welcome to the forum. Sounds like a unique and beautiful relationship. I am also blind by the way.

To Enz, I'm thinking I'll probably bring it up, if I am backed in to that corner. So far, this weekend, good progress has been made in small steps and I'm not going to push it. To DataB4, Wow! Another rblind person. Awesome! Are you a partial or total?, and thank you for the welcome. I'm so thankful for the support I've gotten out here so far. Reading through other posts has helped also. This man is vitally important to me, enough to bring him tome to meet my family, along with his Mother, so, I really want to make this work as smoothly as possible for both of us.