I'm back with my girlfriend

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I'm back with my girlfriend but I have mixed feelings about it.

There was some tension between us before we broke up. She got upset when I told her I wanted her to lose weight. I didn't understand the conflict because she already wanted to lose weight before she met me. I didn't understand why, if she already wanted to lose weight, she kept on eating and drinking things that are high in sugar.

Another cause of conflict was that she said I didn't give her enough emotional support. She got very upset when I didn't offer to go with her to a funeral that she didn't want me to go with her to anyway but she still wanted me to offer so she could turn me down.

Also she said she didn't like how disorganised I was. The night before she dumped me she was mad that I locked myself out of my car while my apartment keys were in the car, so I couldn't get into my apartment either. I'll be the first to admit it was a dumb mistake but it didn't effect her. I got the RAA to open my car for me. I did not get her to drive down with my spare keys, since she's already given them back to me the previous time I got locked out.

Before she wanted me to do all these things to improve myself. I don't really have the energy. I thought it was a bit hypocritical since she doesn't have much energy either. A lot of the time she didn't want to see me because she was tired. It doesn't help that I work in the daytime and as a cleaner, she works early mornings and evenings. When I'm at home she's at work and vice versa. It also doesn't help that doing early morning and evening means that even though she works about 7 hours on an average day, her start and end times are about 12 to 16 hours apart with a big gap in between (and hours driving to different sites).

Anyway, when we were dating (the first time), she said that she doesn't like being friends after breakup. She said she's not friends with any of her exes. She said if we broke up we wouldn't be friends. She said we weren't friends before we started dating so we shouldn't be friends after. I told her that since the first time we met was on our first date, the only reason I wasn't friends with her before then is because I hadn't heard of her yet. I said that if I'd heard of her prior to that I totally would have been friends with her.

I said this because I thought there was a chance she may dump me one day so I wanted to put that idea in her head so I could continue talking to her. Well this idea paid off because when she dumped me she said we could be friends. I saw her a couple of times, as a friend. A very close friend considering the extended time I spent cuddled up to her, not to mention the phone sex.

She said that she'd met this guy at the funeral she'd had a crush on for 5 years (her friend's older brother) and heard him say he's single and "desperate for a girlfriend". She took this as an opening to date her long lost crush.

At first I thought they were actually dating but this turned out to be an exaggeration. What happened was, after she dumped me, she asked him out and he said yes, but didn't specify a time or place and never returned her texts. So, basically he let her down gently.

So she starts asking me if a guy tells a girl he's going to date her, would he tell her a specific time or place. I said that he certainly would. She later revealed that she thought she was doing me a kindness by dumping me first, before asking him out so it wouldn't be cheating. She said she wanted to do the right thing.

The right thing? I think it's just that she wanted to "upgrade" to a better guy the first chance she got. Like she dated me because I was the best she could do at the time and then she saw an opportunity to "upgrade" to a better guy. I'm not like that, I'm loyal. No matter how many younger, prettier, skinnier girls I saw, I didn't attempt to "upgrade".

She said that she thought it was wrong of her to be with me when she was fantasising about another guy. I didn't see what the big deal was since on all of our dates I fantasised about the waitress and most of the time I fantasise about any non-overweight 20 - 29 year old girl I see on the street. She acts like fantasising about just one guy is such a big deal.

I think a part of it was that she likes older guys and she doesn't like that I'm a year younger than her. Maybe she'd prefer if I was 5 years older than her. I can't blame her because I'd prefer if she was 5 years younger than me.

So when she realized this guy didn't want to date her, she got very depressed. She said she felt unlovable because no guy wanted her. I said I wanted her. I thought this would be obvious to her since we'd already been talking about getting back together. Pretty illogical of her to say no guy wants her to a guy she knows wants her. I told her if she had a fan club I'd be the president of it. She seemed to like this.

I wasn't lying either. I really do like her in a lot of ways. It may not seem that way when I talk about how overweight she is and how she eats lots of unhealthy food and how she's not very bright and she's a little immature (but not as immature as that 19 year old I dated once) and how I don't like her saying I'm immature (the pot calling the kettle black) but actually there are a lot of things I like about her. I like her cute voice, I like her personality. I like how we have a lot of things in common. I like how we seem to have similar political views. I like how her face is moderately pretty. She's far from ugly. She looks even better with makeup on. I like her smooth skin (she's literally OCD about skincare). I don't like how she doesn't believe in evolution even though she's an atheist. I thought all atheists believed in evolution At least she's not a Christian because there was this girl I liked last year and she tried to convert me to Christianity! She stopped liking me after I didn't convert and asked me if I knew any Christian men. I don't even mind Christians that much but I don't like how some of them have a requirement that they can only date other Christians because it makes me ineligible. I don't want to be with anyone who thinks I'm "ineligible".

Amyway, I told GF that since she's nearly 30, if she doesn't get back with me she'd probably be alone for the rest of her life and she agreed with this. She said before she met me, she had a lot of "sexual tension". She almost hired a gigolo because she couldn't stand being without sex. I said without me she'd go for the rest of her life without ever having sex again (aside from gigolos) and she agreed this was true. She said she'd be even more horny because I was the best she'd had and before me she didn't know it could be that good and after I raised the bar for her concept of what sex can be she'd miss having sex even more.

She said that in our month of being separated she'd gotten very sexually frustrated, being on her own. She said she'd been tempted to pay me a "conjugal visit" to relieve her sexual frustration but what stopped her was she didn't want us to be friends with benefits. Fair enough.

So now we were talking about getting back together. She had these vague notions of how I must improve myself first. She said I had to be more organized and go on antidepressants even though I don't want to go on any drugs. Just because she takes them that doesn't mean I have to. I thought all I had to do to please her was not point out that she's fat anymore but she had more demands than that (anyway, by now I'd worked out it wasn't even about the fat thing, it was about the guy from the funeral, also I'd worked out that the reason she ate a lot of high sugar food was out of spite because she knew I wanted her to lose weight so she didn't want to do it because I wanted her to. But since she already believed her (very low) self-esteem would increase if she lost weight (not to mention her physical health), I'm now working on reminding her that she should lose weight for herself. I want her to think that I don't care about her weight so she'll lose it for herself. Before she didn't even want to go for a walk because she thought I only suggested it so she'd lose weight (not true because she walks too slowly for it to have weight loss benefits))).

So she started saying that we both need to self-improve. She said that we both need to happier about ourselves so we'd be more stable in a relationship. I guess that makes sense because I think for both of us, our low self-esteem made us mad at eachother. I still thought her ideas were far to vague. A good general has very specific goals or otherwise he won't know when he's done. I thought we needed numbered todo lists.

So a few days before we got back together she asked me what timeframe it should be before we get back together. I took a few days to think about this. Last Friday I said it should be 3 months because we were together for 3 months. She said this was too soon. Really? Well than why did she ask? I told her my idea of a numbered list. I went first. I wrote a numbered list of goals with only 2 entries so that way it would be faster for me to complete. I told her it was now her to to come up with a numbered list of goals for her self-improvement (all this via text on Friday night while I was at an office party and she was cleaning).

She came up with a long list. I thought her list was too long and it would take too much time to achieve. Because it's stuff she has to do herself I don't even have any control over how long it takes. I wouldn't have control over whether she does those tasks quickly or slacks off. I felt like she was playing games with me, saying we couldn't get back together until an arbitrary and very specific set of conditions had been met.

Not that her ideas were bad by themselves. I liked her idea of eating more veggies and having liquid breakfasts. But some of her ideas seemed nearly impossible. Like saving 50% of her income when she's in a low paying job (and she recently blew her all meagre savings on furniture and many pot plants. She's nearly as bad with money as I am (and gets paid much less) so how can she save 50% of her income? Also her idea of sleeping 8 hours per night seemed ludicrously difficult. I don't know anyone who has so much time to spare they can spend that much time sleeping.

I felt like this list would take her years to accomplish. Years before we got back together. I didn't even mind the idea of us both improving ourselves but I thought all those goals could be achieved while we were together rather then before.

Well as it turned out we got back together later that night. After I'd gotten back home she texted me that she was nearly done with her shift and that she wanted to get pizza on the way home. I said if she's getting pizza on the way home she should drop by my place so we could both have pizza. The pizza at the office party had given me a craving for more pizza.

So she came over and we ate pizza. Then she lied on the couch with her head on my lap. She wanted to just cuddle. This was very nice for a while. Eventually we ended up both laying on the couch. I got her to turn around because I don't like spooning. I complied with her request of no kissing and no hanky panky (because that's not what friends do).

Then I remembered how much she likes to feel my weight on top of her so I cuddled her from above. I felt her quiver just a bit and her breathing quickened. Very gently at first I started grinding her. Then harder and harder. She said it "feels so good" so I went harder. She then grabbed my face and started frenching me. After this had gone on for a while she asked if we'd gone past the point of friendship. I said "not yet".

We kept going and then she really wanted me to bang her, right then. She couldn't wait. She'd already started removing her clothes. I said that friends don't have sex with eachother so I could only bang her if we were in a relationship again. She agreed to this because she couldn't stand to wait another moment.

And so I used her lust to get her back with me. She left saying she felt "confused" but over the next few days she got used to the idea that we were in a relationship once more. And so she stopped being confused.

I'm glad to have a girlfriend again but I still have mixed feelings about it all. I still wonder if she's going to try to "upgrade" to a better boyfriend. I would never do that but that makes me worry about all the skinny cute 22 year olds I'll be missing out on. But maybe there were out of my league anyway. At least that's what I tell myself when I stare longingly at them on the train and at the mall.

I've had these kinds of things, too.

Usually, they don't work out too well in the end.

She was swayed by her desire. And you were swayed by yours.

I've experienced this exact thing you experienced.

This seems like one of those "break up/make up" sorts of cyclic situations.

Ultimately, it's not good for the both of you.

Saying all this: Good luck. Who knows? Maybe this might work out in the end.

I was swayed by my desire. But not my desire for sex. It's not even about the sex for me. It is for her. I think she enjoys it a lot more than I do anyway. My desire is to just be in a relationship. Being single is bad for my self-esteem. It makes me feel like a loser.

My family seem to like her. Every at work reacts positively when they hear about her. I probably shouldn't focus on her looks so much because all the other people I'm trying to impress (at work, family, etc) don't have the same preference for stick thin women I do. So I should not worry about their tastes when their they're tastes are less discriminating than mine.

Anyway, the important thing is I have a girlfriend at absolutely all costs because I don't want people thinking I'm a single loser like they used to. Hell, getting a girlfriend was the reason I got a job, moved out of home and lost 120 lbs (although I regained about 50 lbs), all to make myself more attractive to girls so why should I let all my work go to waste?

That sounds like quite a dysfunctional relationship that you're both in for the wrong reasons. I don't see much of a future in it.

I thought you were almost on the mark for a second there, RG.

Funny enough, you've still managed to make a hit-and-miss.

Don't you actually love her at all? Her personality? Who she is?

Or is it still all about status?

You're getting there though - you've hit the outer bullseye this time instead of just one of the outer parts of the dartboard that is relationships.

I typed up a long response and just deleted it.

You are going to continue to make these posts until you re-locate your spine and stop caring what other think. Have a girlfriend at all costs? So you are going to stay in a relationship no matter what? THAT sounds like a recipe or success You probably still can't figure out why only these types of women are interested in you.

She actually seems like a clever woman. Her only problem, according to RetroGamer, is her weight.

Would you like to marry her someday?

Caring about what others thing was the only thing that allowed me to find my spine in the first place. Before I started caring about what others think I was unemployed and loving it. I slept all day and played video games all night. I lived with my mum and allowed her to cook my meals.

When I turned 25 I started to care about what others think. This pushed me to try harder. I moved out of home and got my current job. It's hard but I keep pushing through it because I care about what others think. I don't want others to think of me as some unemployed guy.No, I'm not going to stay in a relationship if she dumps me, which is a possibility.No I can't so please tell me why these types of women are interested in me.

Also please define what type of women are interested in me and what other type of women I should get interested in me and also how to get that type of women interested in me.

I hope you are being sarcastic.

No decent, self-respecting woman wants to be with a dependent man. In your case, you admitted yourself you worked hard not because you have pride, want to improve the world, support a family etc but what others think of you. If you want these 'slim', decent women, you have to show them that you can stand on your own two feet. Otherwise, you are going to remain exactly as you are. It's almost like we all have a little radio transmitter: it was a painful reality to understand my ex was F%$# nuts but it was MY "desperate'" behavior that attracted her subconsciously. Once I made my own lifestyle changes (better diet, more active, ran a 10km race, etc) she slowly become downright repulsive to me and I found a much healthier woman to start a great relationship with.

So you mean the only way to be with a decent woman is to not desire to be with a decent woman?

This is sort of the Buddhist monk who said "Master, I have purged myself of all desires so now I can become enlightened". The master replied with "You have removed all desires save for one. To attain enlightened you must give up even the desire for enlightenment". The monk did as he was told and no longer desiring enlightenment, he left the monastery and became a used car salesman.I already admitted I wanted to work hard out of pride. Pride is why I care about what other people think of me. I guess I'm improving the world a bit but that's hard to see from the offices of a highly bureaucratic government department. Our aim is to help poor people but a good deal of the stuff we work on gets cancelled part way through. Good thing we get paid by the hour. I did want to stop mooching of the taxpayer, if that counts for anything. I certainly didn't want to support a family. One of the reasons I like GF is because she wants to avoid having kids as much as I do. She's repeatedly told me she doesn't plan to have kids. Would one of the "decent women" want kids? Would they use me as a sperm donor to start a family? Would they expect me to use most of my money to support our kids? Quite frankly I have too much self-respect to use all of my money supporting a bunch of bratty ungrateful kids.So if I understand correctly, you ate healthier and exercise and after you got healthy you were repulsed by how overweight your ex was, right?

Understandable. In fact one GF one of the worst parts is not only how she has a BMI of 33, but how she intentionally does stuff she knows is bad. She keeps on saying that sugar is addictive. She's said this many times. Yet she keeps on eating and drinking stuff with a lot of sugar in it. She says she's addicted to sugar. I asked her, how can one break an addiction to sugar. She says the solution is to abstain from sugar for a few weeks and the addiction will go away.

So if she knows how to do it, why doesn't she do it? The hard part is that I can't just say stuff like that or she'll start crying again. She herself said her self-esteem would improve if she got skinny. I can't tell her that if she's going to eat like that then the gastric sleave she had put in was a waiste of time. Why go to all the trouble and pain and expense of surgury if you're going to do something to cancel it out? She said she stopped taking a particular type of antidepressant because it's known to cause weight gain and she told her psychiatrist that will lower her self-esteem and make her more depressed.

So if she knows this why doesn't she try to lose weight? It seems like she lacks self-awareness. She says that she resents me trying to make her lose weight and that motivates her to eat more sugar to get revenge. I think this is harming her more than it's harming me. My father says you can't motivate someone to lose weight, they can only lose weight if their motivation comes from within. So I have to make her want to lose weight herself, come up with a plan herself and then implement it herself.

Or did you have some other meaning for the right type of woman? Other than being skinny? Did you mean the right personality? I already like her personality. I just wish she'd stop this self-destructive behavior of eating sugar and junk food.

It could be argued that this relationship is very healthy due to the high level of communication that seems to be happening. A lot that is out in the open might be hidden under the rug in other supposedly "happy" relationships.

I don't know where you got that from.


No. Once I gained more self-respected I was repulsed by someone who had none.


You need to distance yourself from someone like this, not try to mould them to your standard.


I like her.... but.

As time goes on, you are only going to find even more problems. If you feel this way already, you are doomed. Like a Priest recently told me: an unnamed couple came to him about getting married in the church. Both of them had serious addiction issues and he sarcastically told me "two broken people who are trying to change each other. Like that's not a train wreck in the making."


.... and you don't see this is a train wreck here? Sure you are loyal like me but you will eventually feel like she is holding you back. In my relationship, I don't feel that way because she IS my ideal woman! I honestly can see you in a few years on one of those daytime talk shows where two people seem to hate each other yet stay together.

You can make this work but frankly it's a facade in order to shield you both from the stigma of being single and alone.

If you are both comfortable living this way (which I personally find to be rather morbid and pathetic) then fine. If not, then stop making threads about it and move on to someone else or learn to accept being single.

The posts in this thread are rather long. It might be because I'm on my phone and it's all squished but IMO 10 words or 10,000 of trying to rationalise this situation so that you don't have to be single and can be the nice guy isn't gonna work. Just accept you have doubts and you either work on them or don't.

Yes. We have our disagreements but I really like her, her personality, her sense of humour, etc. When we were seperated I really missed her. Not that she was absent from my life but we talked on the phone nearly every day and whenever I heard her voice I was sad that I wasn't with her.Not quite, yeah that was a part of it to begin with because when I get depressed I feel like I'll be alone forever and I feel like other people know this. Some of my family members pretty much said this to me, which is what started this whole thing about feeling ashamed about who I was, going on dating sites, reading that they wanted guys with good jobs and that they thought unemployed guys were losers, feeling more ashamed that I didn't have a good job, feeling like it was impossible for me to get a well paying job because I didn't have a university degree and it would take me a long time to get one, feeling more ashamed when I saw all the 18 - 21 years going straight from school to uni (something I couldn't do due to low grades), getting a good job (through a most improbable fluke), dating a few different girls which led to dating current GF in the present day.

I shouldn't say I must have a girlfriend at all costs. I mean I want one but I shouldn't say it like that. It's the depression talking. It's memories from when I thought I was too pathetic and unmanly and fat and lazy and stupid and cowardly and unemployable for any girl to ever want me, from when I was alone and thought I would be alone forever. I fear going back into that state. Now don't think that GF doesn't have any likable qualities. Far from it. She has a lot of good qualities from her fun personality to her pretty face. Also she is not without flaws. The thing that worries me is that may leave me for a "better" guy. Her other flaws include doing things not in her best interest (diet wise), working hours that are diametrically opposed to the hours I work (we don't get to spend a lot of time together but I suppose I need some time alone), being very tired (that is to say, not having a lot of energy to do stuff, a problem I sometimes share, more than me she gets tired from work. She often complains of how exhausted she is from her difficult job, I suggest she get a new, easier job and she says she doesn't want to because she has the easiest job possible but then why did she just say it was very difficult, talk about cognitive dissonance! Also sometimes I feel like when she tells me all the things I do to be a better boyfriend (most of which involve keeping my apartment cleaner) but I feel like I can't give her the same advice without being demanding (an issue she seems to be aware of, she often apologizes for being demanding and if I can't make similar demands of her, that indicates either there's a double standard in place, I'm too spineless to demand stuff or that I don't actually need her to change her lifestile in that way (her house is already immaculate, her skincare regime is obsessively good and when I want her to wear makeup she complies). So if I don't need her to make such changes it's either because I'm not demanding or because her lifestyle isn't all that bad in the first place (she's not messy doesn't do drugs, doesn't smoke, etc)).[/quote]

How I can I get self-respect when I can't get past self-loathing? How can I get past self-loathing when it's my main motivator in life?Maybe but most people tell my standard is wrong in the first place. Like the unspoken truth is that everyone wants to be with someone attractive but out loud everyone tells me that looks don't matter at all and that I'm a terrible person for not wanting to be with an obese girl.

It's this no fat shaming thing. Maybe it started as a way to prevent eating disorders but now it's turned into something used to promote and justify unhealthy lifestyles. Aesthetics matter and more than that, why do they think it's ok to encourage people to do something that will cause them to have a heart attack? Now days most of us don't smoke because we know the health risks so why can't we do the same for high-sugar food?Now this is where you confuse me. I'll stop saying but when I find the perfect woman but I believe perfect people don't exist. Most people even tell me that attempting to find a literally perfect girlfriend is futile. Do you expect me to find a girl so perfect? Even if one could be found, why would such an excellent woman want to be with me? Wouldn't she instead want to be with a similarly perfect guy? Does an average guy like me attract the average girl?Yeah, I asked out some of those ideal women and they didn't say yes. Is this because they can sense my lack of self-respect through the computer or is it because I simply don't measure up to their standards, aesthetically and otherwise. Maybe a girl so good as to be ideal would naturally gravitate towards the ideal guy (not me).