What does it mean when you can't

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Just got in a fight with my dude. He's got AS and has been struggling with depression and I'm an NT and we've been together for 8 years.

Basically I cleaned the whole house and the previous day then he made a mess in the kitchen. So I said "hey, i just cleaned, please help me keep it clean." So he said he would do it, but later. I let it go and figured later was fine and not worth whining about. He doesn't work and had all day to do it. He played video games all day. Then he laid down on the couch with me and I said "if you think you might fall asleep, take care of the dishes first" and he said he wasn't going to, but then he did. This was at like 9, he woke back up around 11 and I was like "please take care of the dishes before you go to bed because you said you would take care of them later today this morning, and you haven't." And he said "I can't."

I got upset and kept begging him to get up and then he left. When he cooled down I talked to him and he says that i think he doesn't want to do something and that i don't understand the difference between can't do something and not wanting to do something.

And i don't.

He was physically capable of putting the dishes. He was able to get up, punch the door and drive away. Can't to me for something simple like that is a physical thing.

What is can't to a person with AS? What does it feel like?

I'm not sure what your partner experienced, but I've had episodes during depression when my mind literally can't think of the first step required to complete a task, so I can't begin. It's like my brain is paralyzed. The more pressure put on me to get the job done, the less I am able to do it. I've had to have my partner guide me step by step through things which I was perfectly able to do before.

The only other thing I could think of is some kind of sensory issue towards the sound of clanking crockery etc which is more severe during depression.

I've gone through a period of depression about 2 years ago, and it can be very debilitating. Although your body is well rested, you still feel physically tired. I completely lacked motivation for doing anything, and things that were once simple and easy seemed like monumental tasks. I ended up failing about half of my classes that semester, and dropped my chemistry lab after having a meltdown in class. I'm doing better now that I've changed my major to something I thoroughly enjoy and I'm at a different university.

He's not an abusive jerk and didn't punch the door to intimidate or scare me, he was having a meltdown and pissed. He does lose his temper sometimes, and definitely has a history of destroying things in bad meltdowns. Usually he'll leave right away until he cools down to avoid making me upset. This time he just lost it a little too quick unfortunately. The last big meltdown he broke his keyboard and no one was around, so it isn't just his weird little way of treating me poorly.

Dr's scare the hell out of him and he isn't getting any help. His mom died because she was sick and afraid of doctors. I've been trying to talk him into it but to no avail. He's positive that no one can help him and everything is useless and sometimes says he is just waiting to die. So yeah, not sure how to talk him into that. I'm actually not sure how to talk him into anything really or the dishes would be done and he would be here.

Was he used to have a job or was he always unemployed?

Maybe he has a problem with demand avoidance?

It can be a specific problem related to communication, restricted behaviour, anxiety and OCD traits of AS.

If he does, he will still need to seek professional help.

Pathological Demand Avoidance is also recognised as a separate but related condition, there are some links below.

NAS-PDA

PDA Society

He's had jobs before but they usually don't last that long. Its been about 2 years right now which has definitely been one of the longest gaps.

I looked into the demand avoidance thing and that seems to make a ton of sense. Thanks a ton neilson_wheels!

Tbh it sounds like BS and he is using AS an an excuse. Aspies are capable of BSing

Hi greenbug and welcome.

I think you should give up on expecting him to do what you ask him to. For myself, I do things when I feel like it and dishes, for example, are not a priority. Also, you can't coerce him to go to the doctor either, which is really a shame because it sounds like he would benefit from psychiatric treatment. I think you have to decide if you can live with him the way he is. You guys have been together a while and you're posting here, so you clearly care about him. But, yeah, no one can live with me because of the way I am.

I'm a little late to the discussion, but I have "can't" moments sometimes. Obviously, I'm an outsider to your situation, so it could be very similar or very different from what you're talking about. But sometimes I find myself getting locked in a pattern of behavior, so that I get very used to a routine or to just doing what I'm doing, and it becomes very hard for me to interrupt that. It can be someone asking me to do something simple, and me getting irrationally indignant about it for no good reason. Or it can even just be me knowing that I should be doing something, but not being able to convince myself to do it, if that makes sense. Sometimes, it's a matter of actually feeling overwhelmed by the thing I'm being asked to do, regardless of how seemingly simple it is- things like basic chores can feel like endless slogs for me sometimes, or else I might just not understand when a chore is "adequately" complete (this is especially true for me when it comes to cleaning.)

I can definitely understand how this sort of behavior would seem frustrating to someone who hasn't experienced it personally- For that matter, I experience it frequently, and I still get frustrated at myself about it XD Again, though that's just my experience. Hope that helps