I broke up with my aspie boyfriend...could I have done more?

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Hello everyone,

This is my first time posting on the site, although I've visited frequently and read many articles/discussions on here. I broke up with my boyfriend almost 2 months ago after dating for about 11 month and being friends for almost 2 years before that. He has mild Asperger's which I new about from the beginning, even before we were dating, although he only personally shared it with me after he asked me to be his girlfriend.

In short, my decision to break up was the cumulative effect of many hurts that occurred throughout the relationship. Broken promises, joking at my expense, thoughtless and careless words that cut deeply. Most of all it was invalidation of my emotions that wounded me the most, the expressed belief on his part that if my feelings weren't logical or rational to him, then they were irrelevant and burdensome. Toward's the end of the relationship, he called me names (or threatened to) and I finally decided I'd had enough. The relationship was difficult enough, but compounding it with that kind of deliberate disrespect really put me over the edge. With the utmost respect, more than I thought I could muster and more than I thought he deserved at the time, I told him I was not willing to continue dating anymore because I realized I needed to be with someone who could identify with and validate my emotions, not invalidate them or find them so burdensome.

We are both Christian and go to the same church, so I still see him occasionally, although he'll be moving out-of-state very soon. As much as I feel hurt by the words he spoke and the fact that my heart still "bleeds" at the sight of him pursuing other women, I still care deeply for him and see that he has the potential to be a great man. Essentially, I see him for who he could become as his character is refined and matured. He has such a dizzying, powerful intellect which I always found so attractive. Physically speaking, he has very classically handsome features too. Underneath all that bluster, I know he has a good heart that so earnestly wants to do the right thing. He is an exceptional and rare human being who still holds my fascination, but I know I couldn't marry him as he is now and so it would be wrong to hold onto him. I believe for me and my ex-boyfriend, his disdainful attitude toward emotions was the last nail in the coffin for me. If there was a greater humility and desire on his part to at least try to understand, then maybe it might have worked, even if it wasn't his strength.

I suppose my question is this, what can I do as an NT woman to really love him and other aspie individuals more effectively? I am a willing student here, so any advice would be most welcome.

It doesn't seem like the guy was nice to you.

It's not the nature of Aspies to insult people. It's the nature of a jerk.

He doesn't seem able to see things from other people's viewpoints--not a good trait in any person.

I would just move on, and find somebody nicer.

No.

Aspies still need to learn and understand how to play the role of give and take. Still need to learn how to reassure partners and friends. The small things that help a relationship out matter on both sides. That would be mh advice on what to take forward if you were to get involved with other aspies.

Did you broach any of these things with him? Did you tell him the kinds of things he did and how they affected you or made you felt?

Those are kind of my thoughts, even if he didn't understand her emotions or they didn't make as much sense to him...he still should have made effort to at least acknowledge it and be supportive than treat it as irrelevant.

Hi Chichikov,

Yes, I did. Frequently, although I tried to pick my battles and just forgive certain offenses. I never got the impression that he really valued emotional intelligence enough to pursue it wholeheartedly, even though it might have saved the relationship. I wasn't expecting mastery in that area, even just an eagerness to learn how to meet certain core emotional needs I had would have sufficed because it would have demonstrated that he cared enough about me and the relationship to fight for it. I always knew it was a limitation, but a sincere heart to try and effectively learn to meet that need would have been enough. I don't want it to sound like I wanted him to change who he fundamentally is as a person. Far from it. I loved his little quirks and idiosyncrasies. I just wanted to see him going after his personal growth in that area, even if it meant seeing a counselor who specializes in this. I have seen a counselor before and there is no shame in it. We all need help on some level. Now that he's moving away I fear he'll be out of my life permanently and simply find another woman. Inwardly, I hope to date him again when we've both grown up some more and I've seen him recognize the importance of this kind of relational reciprocity. However, I may just have to surrender to the fact that I might not be the right woman for him. God only knows.

Only Aspies that want to be with NTs will need to learn this. It has no function with other Aspies/NDs. Personally, I'd rather skip NTs than learning this. Also, this does come out as personality-changing to me, and not a simple task to rote learn, because you cannot reciprocate emotionally with NTs with stock-phrases only.

I'm very sorry to hear that you find the idea of learning these skills so cumbersome because I think learning them makes one a better human being, aspie or not. Giving in that way stretches us to see be past ourselves and our own personal gratification. I can't say I agree with you either when you say that they have no function with other Aspies/NDs. My boyfriend had emotional needs, and I did my best to meet them. He needed affirming words, physical touch, eye contact, and a warm smile. So I don't think it's fair to generalize all Aspies and say they don't need it because they are not all the same, just like with NTs. I do think you're right that an Aspie has to want to be with an NT and LOVE them deeply for it really to be worth it to them. That may have been the disconnect.

I realized that I should have asked:

What made you like him romantically in the first place?

I can understand an NT liking an Aspie, and vice versa.

Were you attracted to him because of his brains? I wouldn't be surprised. I'm attracted to brains, too.

Anyway: the guy treated you like a jerk treats a woman, I feel. If you feel otherwise, then I'll listen to what you have to say.

Alas you can't force people to change, they need to want to change for themselves, and it could be in your partner's instance maybe he simply can't change? It's not something you can probably identify with, but it can be hard to change behaviours that you don't see as "wrong" and sometimes don't even know you're doing. Imagine you are in a room and the floor is a chequered pattern of many colours, and every now and then someone comes out and screams in your face for stepping on a certain colour, telling you not to do it again, giving you ultimatums. But image you have no idea what it was about that particular spot that meant you weren't to step on it. So you keep acting as you are, and occasionally you upset someone because you've stood on the wrong colour again. It's hard to fix your behaviour when you don't know what you're doing wrong, so sometimes you need a partner that understands that every now and then you are going to step on the wrong colour, you are going to upset someone, but you're not doing it deliberately or maliciously. If you can't be that person for this guy (if you could you wouldn't have split up) then maybe the relationship is just not right and will never work for you two.

KraftieKortie,
He is definitely an intriguing person with a razor sharp intellect, good looks, and strong faith in God. However, I think it's the fact that he took the time to become my friend that ultimately won me over. I am reluctant to simply write him off as a jerk because there were plenty of things he did that were kind and noble. I'm sure there are many facets to his being like many of us. He's a complicated man, I suppose. Maybe there's no real way of knowing if I could have done something different, better, or more for it to work. I just know that toward's the end I was just too hurt to go on in the relationship.

I mainly meant all the discussions of emotions that NTs like so much. My emotions cannot easily be turned into words since they are nonverbal, and that is why this is not simple to just learn. Also, I don't want compliments or affirmation, as it makes me uncomfortable. A hug is nice, and so is a friendly smile, but that is not verbalization of emotions, rather it is all nonverbal just as the natural expression of emotions. I've been married for 20+ years, and we never have talks about emotions. We both find that kind of strange and unnecessary.

So I cannot agree that learning to talk about emotions makes a person grow. For me, it would just be a mundane task I'd have to do manually since I wouldn't be able to automate it or replace it with learnt stock phrases.

Yes, you could have broken up with him earlier.

Hello and welcome to WP, HelpMeUnderstand. Allow me to commend you for your effort towards understanding. Let me first say that I think you ex sounds like a not very nice person. That being said, there are things on both sides to critique here.

Sad, but not unusual, I would imagine.




Habitually breaking promises is a decidedly un-aspie trait. Aspies tend to have a very strong sense of moral duty/principle. Are we talking about proper broken promises, or "getting stuck doing something and forgot about the promise to do thing X at time Y"? Because the latter would be rather aspie-like, as would the intense levels of shame when confronted about it.

"Careless words" is a rather vague term, but joking at your expense...I don't know what to say, other than being an aspie does not preclude you from being a jerk any more than not being an aspie does. In order to deal with something like that, I can only suggest a direct confrontation and a step-by-step explanation of what he said and why it hurts you. I know from personal experience growing up that spotting the line between "affectionate ribbing" and "honestly hurtful" takes some practice.





Here's the big one. Possibly the most common misconception about aspies is that we either lack or have very weak emotions, and compensate for that by being systematic and logical. This is the opposite of true. What would be closer to the truth is that between dealing with the often chaotic input from the outside and dealing with the raging maelstrom of barely distinguishable and often incoherent emotions on the inside (from what I can tell, aspie emotions tend to be more "raw"), a shorthand is needed as a survival mechanism. In the moment, one deals with facts, logic, systems and tangible, immediate things. Emotions are processed over long time with deep thought and introspection. The more complex the emotion, the longer the time (as a rule).

I don't know what specifically he did or said to make you feel invalidated, but I think it's safe to say that he started from himself in what he expected from you. So if you go up to him and state whatever you're feeling and why, it will more than likely be so much white noise to him until you get to the doing something about it part.



Threatening to call someone names seems an odd thing to do.



Might I ask how he reacted to that?



Maybe that will be for the best, for the both of you.




Here's a tricky one. You have every right to feel that, but really no right to begrudge him doing that. You broke up with him, remember?



"I see him for whom he could be" is skirting rather close to "I can change him."




"Blustery" is a rather atypical way to describe most aspies. Not saying it couldn't be so, but I think more likely that an aspie acting "blustering" is an aspie putting on an act because he's unsure how to handle something, or because he thinks it's the way he's expected to act. Neither scenario is sustainable for any longer period of time.

I believe you when you say he wanted to do the right thing, but I think he might have had trouble figuring out what that is.




I think you should be very careful here. It's very close to arrogance on your part to assume that he didn't want to or didn't try to understand, or that your understanding is the only understanding. A swedish proverb states that "through oneself, one knows others", and while the original meaning is one about projection, it's not actually a bad starting point, see also "the golden rule". An aspie brain is fundamentally different from an NT brain. Sensory input is processed differently, language is processed differently, reasoning is processed differently. And since emotions tie into all of those and more, I think it's safe to say; emotions are processed differently. He probably could have learned on a intellectual level how you work and what you need him to do when you're upset at something, but I don't think it's fair of you to expect him to abandon the methods and mechanisms that have worked for him up to this point because his approach upsets you.


Whew, that was longer than I intended, and I hope you found something of value in it. Good night, all.

Good night! haha. ♥