Complicated! Is he into me? Sex issues?

Post Reply New Topic

Hi all! So I've got a very strange situation id like to ask for some input on!

So about 5 years ago, I met my current boyfriend (we've been together since) and soon after, he introduced me to one of his best friends. The best friend was definitely a bit different socially but I found there to be something very attractive about him. He was much like my boyfriend, but even more like me than my boyfriend.

He's disclosed he may have aspergers or some sort of high functioning autism, and I could see that, but if he does it must be VERY high functioning because I don't think the majority of people who meet him would assume there's anything different about him. Excuse me if referring to him as different is offensive, as I said, I find it very attractive - not a bad thing!

ANYWAYS here's where it gets tricky. So my boyfriend and I are in somewhat of an open relationship, but it's one sided (only I get with other people and he enjoys it - it's some variant of cuckolding that we do). Well I have this fantasy of getting with his best friend, and my boyfriend is into it. So We decided we would go visit his friend and test the waters last weekend.

We played some silly drinking games and ended up all taking off our shirts and daring eachother to do things we found funny. One card game included "Jack' cards and we forgot the rules so we jokingly made the card mean "jack off ---" (boyfriends friend) and everyone was highly amused. Now I "owe him" 3 handjobs LOL.

His friend made many many sexual jokes throughout the weekend, suggesting I should shower with him to save water, directly telling me to flash them/take off my shirt, and many things along these lines. Having me work out with him and wear his shirt. Even daring me to take off my bra and let them chose which of my tits is bigger (friends idea!)

BUT it never ended up going further than innocent play despite the fact that all three of us were enjoying the sexual buildup.

Now, there were times this past weekend and times before then where I also got he feeling that my boyfriends friend may like me. This is important because this friend never talks to girls, and when he does he's very awkward (except with me), i sometimes wonder if he's s Virgin but I know he's had one past relationship (high school) and I do believe they had sex as that's what he's told me when I've asked him. Either way, he's very physically attractive, takes care of himself and is very funny once comfortable around you - he shouldn't have as hard of a time as he does.

I get the feeling maybe he likes me because of subtle things he does.. When we all 3 go to the grocery store he follows me around and holds onto the cart I push directing it, or stands beside me, even when my boyfriend goes to do other things. He sorta makes fun of my boyfriend (boyfriend likes being humiliated and is turned on by my attraction to friend so it's not a big deal) like he'll put him down in ways that make him look like more of a man, he'll joke with my boyfriend and be like "when --- (me) upgrades from you can I still sleep at her house?" Often when we're outside during the day with just me he'll take off his shirt (has a very nice body and I feel he just wants to show it off to me? Idk!) During truth or dare I was asked about my sex life with my boyfriend, which to me implies he's interested in that, but so much of what we all say to eachother we say in such a joking way that I honestly can't tell. Him and I always want to go do things when my boyfriend doesn't, and often we just go. Like fetching and cutting wood for our bonfires, kayaking, all things that his friend and I do but my boyfriend doesn't enjoy. Often we spend good amounts of time alone together but nothing ever progresses how I'd like it to.. My boyfriend went to bed early on purpose every night we were there, leaving us, and still nothing happened! Partially my fault, as I'm incredibly bad at flirting and making moves.. But also because his friend did nothing! I've caught him staring at me, and when I catch him he always looks away then back at me, so I think he is physically attracted to me (have pretty big boobs, I'm very short and petite and am often told my face is the best part of me so I really haven't had problems getting men to want me in the past, but here I am in this struggle!) but I can't make sense of the situation were now in!

contrarily, sometimes when I start getting the feeling he's into me, I'll notice after he'll start kind of withdrawing from me or trying to pay more attention to my boyfriend than me, but I'm not sure if I'm just crazy or he's doing this consciously/subconsciously and for what reason?

Anyways. I'm wondering if maybe he's trying to back away from me/my boyfriend because maybe he's actually into me (can't really tell) or because he thinks if anything had happened this weekend it would've gotten in between him and my boyfriend (which it wouldn't - and I thought that was clear, because my boyfriend was telling me to strip in front of them - why would he do that if it wasn't ok?)

Over the weekend we joked about cucholding and polygamy and friend didn't seem opposed to the idea but now that my boyfriend and I are back home I'm thinking back on everything and just wondering what went wrong this weekend. Maybe he thought we were joking about it all and didn't catch on, or maybe he did and was into it for a moment then decided he wasn't? Maybe he's developed feelings for me?

Did we make him uncomfortable? He was fine while we played these games and if anything, encouraged it. Even suggested we should play again the next day.

Do you think he has feelings for me and realized that he shouldn't do anything with me because of it? (Since I'm pretty sure he caught on based on my boyfriends actions that it's ok for him to have a sexual relationship with me)

I'm confused! I feel rejected! And I don't want him to feel uncomfortable around us! I'm not sure if he even does, I could be totally over analyzing.. But I need some opinions!

What is typical of someone who may be highly functioning in this situation? Maybe he's insecure and liked playing with the idea but is too afraid to actually do anything? Maybe he likes me and feels he should hold himself back from me (not sure I'll ever know his true feelings)?

I don't know!! ! I've always thought the friend kind of liked me, but I'm one to build things up in my head and misconstrue them. Every time we're together I get this sense, and I feel even more attracted to him, and I wonder if he feels that way at all too.. I also find that when it's just us we talk white a lot, then my boyfriend will come back and occasionally when he does I notice his friend kind of withdraw from the conversation soon after..

It's insane how much I'm leaving out, and how long this story has become! But any insight is welcomed!! ! I have lots more details to share if anyone's interested!!

If you read this, I love you! And if you respond, there aren't enough thank yous in the world to send your way, but know I'm sending a lot!

Honestly I'm not even sure if this is the place for a question/story like this! If it is not, please just let me know, and feel free to direct me to an appropriate place

It's quite possible that he likes you in "that way.'

I'm not into the "cuckolding" thing myself--it rather bothers me, actually (though I don't judge people who get turned on by this).

Maybe he has the sense that he doesn't want to be a "cuckhold"--and maybe feels guilty about that. Maybe he, in his heart, wants to replace your boyfriend with him. Maybe he values the relationship between you and your boyfriend., so he feels guilty about the feelings he has for you because he values his friendship with your boyfriend.

I'm going to be honest: I think the other guy is being very sensible if he has these sorts of feelings.

Unfortunately, it's possible that my first sexual experience, at age 17, was a "cuckholding" sort of situation. And I was the guy whom she was "cheating" with. So maybe I'm not being very objective here.

I would ask myself: how do you feel about your boyfriend...and how do you feel about the other guy?

So how can I confront this? Do I ever try to have a conversation with him (friend) about this? My intentions/my boyfriends intentions/his feelings/my feelings? Is it even worth it or do I let this pass over?


And as for my relationship with my boyfriend, we have it really great. There are no strains, we both have goals that we work hard towards, we would like to be married by the time he's graduated medical school (he's set to graduate with his bachelors next semester). We're in no rush, and are on the same page! I see myself as very Lucky to have a man in my life who is so caring and generous towards me. I have never ever felt any sense of doubt that he is my soulmate. We do what we do because we both enjoy it, if one of us were to say this wasn't for them, that'd be the end of it! This weekend wouldn't have been our first rodeo, but would've been our second. We're not THAT experienced in what we're doing but we've discussed it endlessly and dabbled in it in the past, with much success. With that said, I do believe we have a very strong and lasting relationship (4.5 years and counting)! This only works because of the mutual level of trust we have in eachother!

NOW! You have somewhat caught me, I do feel that I've developed feelings for his friend. Which is only natural due to the amount of time we spend together, I'd suppose.. And I care for this friend a lot, I've confessed that if I didn't start dating my current boyfriend and they weren't friends, that I would've dated him. But for me, I understand that's not the situation, so I don't think much of "if I were dating him" (only sometimes, like when we're driving somewhere together will I sort of ponder about this) but thats not enough to interfere with how I feel for my boyfriend or the kind of relationship id like the three of us to share.

And why would he play along with the games and lead on that he wanted it all weekend? Maybe he didn't even realize what he was leading on? Telling a girl to take of their shirt/bra/shower with you is pretty forward, however I still wonder how jokingly he was saying all of these things. Maybe he has trouble reading how into it I really am... But knows how he feels?

Just more thoughts

The more I think about it...the more I don't think you should do the "cuckholding" thing with the friend of your boyfriend.

Primarily because this guy (it doesn't matter if he's Aspie or not) might develop feelings for you because you were intimate with him.

It might happen to me. I might be "in on the game." But any intimacy with a woman, from my standpoint, is pretty intense. I might just develop the "wrong" feelings, and I might want to displace the boyfriend.

I believe there's an element of "truth" in what your Aspie friend is asking of you. What straight man wouldn't want to see a lady's breasts? This sort of game would make me horny, frankly.

I understand you want to have "fun." But this sort of "fun" could have a destructive impact upon your hard-fought, and hard-won relationship.

Thanks for got response, once again! I completely agree with all that you've said. I only wonder if there were a way to all speak of this openly, whether it COULD work if I took the leap and payed everything out as it is, giving him the choice to either have a sexual relationship with me Or to not. I'm still unsure of how he feels, maybe he's mad at himself for not doing anything with me when he had the chance? No clue. But yes, if he feels/thinks that's how he would feel (as though he wants to replace my bf), then it wouldn't work. But if he can understand the scenario and agree that a sexual relationship with me is adequate enough for him, we'd have quite the idea situation Id say.

In truth, when I was in my 20's, I thought I could just have casual sexual relationships with people.

One day, though, this guy proposed a threesome with my (ex) girlfriend and himself. Yeah....I thought I was so liberal! I even laid in the bed!

But after a couple of minutes, I really couldn't take the feelings I was feeling. I walked out of the guy's apartment. she was my ex so I had no input into the matter. I still, obviously, had feelings for my ex.

And forget about the guy! I can't stand the thought of being intimate with a guy......and that day only confirmed that!

It would be nice is this Aspie guy could have a sexual relationship with you, without developing intense, monogamous feelings feelings. In theory, this could happen. And I know it's happened with people.

But I still believe you are playing with fire in this.

It certainly is playing with fire! But for some reason I haven't been able to let it go, it's a bit hard when every time I see this guy we get closer to being in a sexual relationship and the attraction gets stronger (atleast for me it does?)

I think my best bet is to just ride it out for now... Let him sit with his feelings until next time, probably in a month or so, and see how he acts around me/if things escalate again. He may have to come to the city this weekend meaning we may see him, but I think it's still too soon to push for anything.

I don't want to overwhelm him, if it works it works - and That's dependent on his comfort level with it all. Which clearly I have a hard time gauging, but hopefully how he feels and what he wants will be more...obvious..in the future.

As for your personal testimony, I think everyone is entitled to trying new things, and moving on from them if they aren't what was expected! My boyfriend as well is not exactly into the idea of participating with another male, but is however into me getting with them - just not neccisarilly in front of him (maybe if it were a stranger he'd go for it though) definitely no physical contact between the men involved though.

Another sort of naive question for you: is it typical of an aspie to have difficulty sorting through feelings after intimacy? Most of the men I have been with are the opposite of that, and I find that I as well prefer casual sex (I really don't see it as an act of love)

Yes, I would think that Aspies, probably, would have trouble sorting out their feelings after being intimate with someone. Perhaps more so than a "neurotypical" person. I know I did...and I know I still would have this trouble.

I'm not an Aspie, actually....I was classically autistic as a child, then became Aspie-like as I got older. I had a severe speech delay. I would have been diagnosed with classic autism under the DSM-IV.

I am fortunate that I am independent and am able to drive. I've worked at the same place for almost 36 years.

Throughout my life, whenever I became horny for the Unattainable, I had this one standby which I've been able to rely on, and benefit from. I find this "standby" is not used enough by "desperate" people, and that not resorting to this "standby" can lead to a great amount of trouble.

I am thinking that this "standby" could prove useful in at least mitigating the situation somewhat.

Very interesting!! Thank you so much for telling me about yourself. When you catch feelings for someone, how long do you go on with those feelings, thinking of them before it gets easier?

I've gone long periods of time without seeing our friend, but the attraction never seems to be lost and I worry about that. I'm not willing to cut him out of my life (maybe he would do that to me, I don't know) but it's hard to go on like this not having all the answers I would like.. I also wonder what questions he may have, if any?

There was a person who wanted to have a casual fling with me when I was 21. We had the casual fling. Then, I wanted to get married and have babies with her. I became obsessed with her. I stayed pretty obsessed for a couple of years afterwards.

I'm 55 now. I still have some feelings for this person, though not nearly as intense as they were back then. She lost her "feelings" for me 34 years ago.

Oh man!! I think the main difference here is that he's allowed to have feelings for me, I have feelings for him. He can have all of that, and sex. I can have "relationships" with people, the only contingency is that my boyfriend is still #1. If that makes sense?

I could go spend weeks with him if I wanted to, and we could have all of that, but at the end of the day I would still have to go home to my boyfriend.

I can't lie and say that I don't think part of my attraction to him comes from seeing a lot of myself (and even my boyfriend) in him.. And as I said, if I didn't have a boyfriend that was his good friend nonetheless, I would want that happily ever after with him - which kind of scares the daylights out of me.

Sometimes I feel like I just need this guy in my life, almost as much as I need my current boyfriend. It's crazy to me that I have the ability to have such feelings for more than one person, but I do! Partially why my boyfriend and I discuss polygamy.

I don't find your feelings to be abnormal in the least. I feel that they are, in fact, almost inevitable. There is no "moral judgement" coming from this end.

I have a belief that one "should have their cake and eat it too." But as long as nobody is hurt by "having your cake and eating it, too."

I've felt similar feelings while I've been in committed relationships. And, sometimes, they acquired quite a bit of intensity.

I don't sense that your boyfriend would approve of you going off with the other guy for an extended period of time, especially after a few days. I think he would get jealous. Even if he doesn't think he'd be jealous.

I can't help but think that.

I don't believe Homo sapiens is exclusively a monogamous species---though the INTENTION definitely exists for the vast majority of members of our species. It is held up as an ideal. It is very difficult to keep to this ideal..

I'm sure you're right, he would get jealous, probably more-so than he generally enjoys being. The point was more-so that I can give our friend everything I give my boyfriend as long as I give my boyfriend 'more'. Whether he would accept that, or wants anything from me at all would have to be discussed beforehand though.

I think that this is a one of a kind situation, where I COULD have my cake and eat it too.. But that's me - and although no one has been/should be hurt as of yet, that doesn't mean the possibility isn't there.

I'm very anxious to see how this plays out in the next month or so. Who knows, maybe he doesn't even think about me.