Trans and autistic

Post Reply New Topic

Dating is hard enough for normal people but I'm trans and autistic so it's a double whammy for me. Anyone relate?

Yeah, I can definitely relate. I'm nonbinary and polyamorous which rules out a LOT of people, and I also have trauma regarding relationships which...heh, maybe I can't really say that I "relate" because I keep finding people who ARE interested in me and rejecting them because I don't feel ready yet But these different groups definitely do complicate things.

Can you give some examples of how you're finding it difficult? At least you're getting out there and open to the dating scene. The world is more accepting to trans in this day and age and the right person will be aswell.

Right, but it's still an additional layer that screens out a ton of people who, no matter how accepting they try to be, aren't attracted to trans people, or are only attracted to a gender that you AREN'T, which would force you to choose between being with the person and experiencing extreme dysphoria.

Also, in many places being transgender is dangerous. Of course, no one who'd harm someone just for being trans is worth dating anyway, but many trans people are put in the position of having to figure out whether the people they're talking to are safe or potentially violent. This is especially dangerous for trans women, since many men feel like their masculinity or sexuality is being challenged when they find out that the person they're attracted to has--or used to have--a penis. Being Autistic, it's even more challenging to navigate that kind of minefield, and the actual possibility of being beaten or murdered can create a lot of anxiety, even in people who DON'T already have other fears regarding dating. When you're trans, rejection isn't just hurtful--it can be dangerous, depending on where you live and what your circumstances are.

Also, being trans just adds another layer of stress on top of being Autistic. In addition to coping with all our Autism issues, we've got a body that doesn't fit our gender and a society that--for the most part--doesn't want to believe us.

Actual transition helps this. Everyone has to deal with finding others attractive who are only attracted to a gender they aren't. But I imagine you're referencing people misgendering you for your body rather than your mind. Medical transition decreases this.
I can definitely relate, though. My autism makes attachment virtually impossible, but to get over that hurdle with a potential partner and then have the trans thing thrown in there seems to me to decrease the odds of this working out considerably. I'm not saying it can't - but yeah, it's harder.

I'm really not actively dating. I try and I fail multiple times. If me being trans doesn't deter them (which is usually does), then my social awkwardness does. Or my lack of emotional responsiveness. And I detest touching and sex because of sensory issues.
That's mostly what I was getting at.

Also, the other day someone called me the R word and a fa***t (two separate people). I pass and all but the person must have heard I was trans.

One of my best friends is in a relationship with someone who's trans and autistic. It certainly isn't impossible, don't loose hope.