Compromising.

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You cannot be an angry potato and expect someone to stick around, I mean I have seen some threads where from the sound of it the AS person in the couple is pushing away their S.O, but just expect that the relationship will last forever regardless of how much they neglect or snap at the other person for being in their way, or not leaving them alone while they spend an entire day staring at their computer.

Not saying anyone here would be like that....but I've seen quite a few threads of people asking about trouble with their AS S.O, which mostly seems to come down to the person with AS acting cold and pushing their S.O away.

Perhaps it's lack of preparation for a relationship or not being ready for one. But man I'd be pretty upset if my boyfriend had been doing a certain activity for hours and so I came up and asked 'hey in a while do you maybe want to watch a movie or go on a walk with me.' and his response was 'Dont you have your own life, why do you always have to hang around me can't you see I"M BUSY!' or if he decided to periodically just go off somewhere alone and not talk to me for a few days to over a week, then come back acting like everythings normal. I think the random periods of no contact would drive my bloody insane and I'd have to end the relationship just to keep my sanity.

I guess I am just curious what would cause this behavior in someone who's finally gotten a relationship, especially with how it can be harder for those of us on the spectrum to find someone...I mean are there people that willing to just throw it away and make no compromises once they get a relationship?

I mean I certainly have my flaws, and some less than pleasant traits tied into the AS, but I cant very well just say 'just deal with it I absolutely refuse to address anything I do or improve on traits I can work on.' Yeah it can be painful to look at yourself and think about what you could do better and that maybe yes you really did come off as a jerk and need to make further efforts not to. But you have to do that can't just run away from the problem by not talking to your S.O for days then come back and act like every-things normal and hope your S.O forgot about whatever issue may have caused a conflict even if it was minor.

Relationships can be great, I'd say mine is...but it still takes effort and can certainly be difficult at times, since instead of just considering yourself you also have to consider the other person and compromise on things you're not quite on the same page about.

Not really sure the purpose of this post, suppose just food for thought.

It would help if acting cold and unattached wasn't sought out over nice and friendly in the first place.

This is an good thread, and your comment about your boyfriend's hypothetical reaction is interesting. He sounds a little bit like me now: very protective of his interests and passions. This thread makes me realize that was I more ready for a relationship at the "wet behind the ears" age of 18 than now at 33. Back then, I had no sense of self and no real identity for the most part. I couldn't imagine telling off a girlfriend who wanted me to do something with her. I was willing to sacrifice virtually everything for the relationship, as opposed to wanting to do my own thing, no matter how unpleasant her activity of choice was.

The few things I was into were trains and museums, but they were more like time-fillers than true passions. I was pretty much waiting for a girlfriend to come along and give me something to be interested in. So if she asked or told me to do something with her, I'd probably agree without question. Which may seem like a good boyfriend trait on the surface, but in reality, it just made look submissive. Over the years, I made a complete 180, and now refuse to have anything to do with a woman who won't let me pursue my passions (which I currently have, and feel proud of).

Sigh. That example is from a few bad relationships I've been in.

Sort of like Aspie1, I was needy too. Then from all the bad experiences of rejection I eventually built up a wall. I need space from people, it's not who I originally was. Rather than seeing it as myself improved or better now, I just see it as having destroyed a part of myself in order to cope, and deal. Cos really, that's what it is. They say the heart heals after time, but it isn't true, it just means you've numbed yourself to it. That's not healing. I'm not sure we ever truly heal.

I just don't think that is what people seek out, obviously the people in these relationships aren't enjoying that, and seemed to have gotten attached to the more nice/friendly, sweet/affectionate side of the person then as relationship progressed realized that is just an occasional thing not really how the person is most of the time. So have to rationalize if it is all worth it for feeling like your in lovely relationship from time to time but wondering how the other person feels about you, if they are ok or just ignoring you the rest of the time...or if they should move on due to the inconsistency being too upsetting.

It would seem that is not what everyone seeks out, perhaps some females far more competitive than me find some kind of satisfaction in chasing guys who act aloof and disintrested, but I don't think that is actually what most people generally look for.

I don't get in the way of his passions either, which in his case is painting miniatures...it is something we both do now but he does it a lot more. Also we tend to like a lot of similar activities and have similar interests which certainly makes things easier than if we had totally different interests and enjoyed mostly different activities.

Adjusting one's comforts for their SO isn't an easy thing to learn. Be it being distant, distracted by other things, actually showing interest in their interests instead of always yours, etc.

I think the basic concept of remembering that if you're in a relationship, to me, it should be the most important thing to you.

I'm 38 and have had to really have life s**t on me to just now start to guess this... it takes some very hard lessons sometimes for certain concepts to take root... for me at least. I don't think I'm alone.

You know what's ironic? I had the same beliefs at age 18, with my first girlfriend, who I was more than willing to settle down with. However, other than me convincing her to go to the college dance with me, it was always about her. I had many hopes for our relationship: exploring the city together, trying new restaurants, walking around museums hand-in-hand, and going on thrilling speedboats tours on the river. Two people enjoying romance with each other, with the city as our oyster. She wanted none of that! Her idea of fun was hanging out in the campus courtyard and maybe dinner at a banal American restaurant a few blocks over.

The sad thing is, I internalized this behavior as the norm for all relationships, and didn't bother questioning it, overtly or in my mind. Resentment occasionally surfaced, but I never showed it; at least I think I didn't.. Despite my sacrifices to maintain the relationship, everything fell apart a few month later, at that very dance. I wanted to dance close in an embrace, with her being my girlfriend and all. But she did not. (Maybe she picked up on my desperation and/or resentment somehow.) That's where I smelled a rat, and ghosted her after that night.

So now that my friends are settling down and surrendering their interests for the sake of their girlfriends, their actions are triggering memories of my first girlfriend, my relationship with her, and how unsatisfying it was. Maybe my friends' relationships are better; it's their life and theirs alone. But it's definitely making me unwilling to sacrifice anywhere near as much as I did back when I was 18, when it comes to SO's and LTR's.

Well they may have been attracted to the distant and aloof , but when with it. It like it. Haven't you ever really wanted something and then realize you don't like it?
I really like sweets but too much of them makes me sick.

That said, and it's probably sad, but I'm always jealous of the guys in those threads, they treat their women bad but yet they get girlfriends, while I'd treat them better and meet most their wants and I'm seen as trash.

One thing I've learned from being raised by women and and playing games with married guys, is when your SO says come do something with me, you do it. Has to be balance though. I don't want to be nagged constantly and not allowed to play my games. They help me relieve stress and anxiety. I also want to be able to post here all be it probably less. I'd give up my browser games and shave forums though. Probably some of my shows in order to watch hers. I'd like the same fro potiential gf. I'd be nice to cuddle while playing games sometimes maybe.

Isnt spending time together the point of relationships? Mean sex is nice but it doesn't make a relationship. I want to cuddle, hug, talkie each other, watch tv together, play around and goof off with each other, kiss regularly, etc.

I imagine there will be times when I may want to be alone or maybe cuddle and not talk. Other times I'll want to be constantly close to her.

But I'm an touchy and super attached person. I like to text a lot. I can't go a day without hearing from them, I miss them after hour or so. I'm super loyal . Lot like fox. Foxes are loving and mate for life.

I really wish I had someone to share it with. To appreciate and love someone

So I hate seeing that these guys ignore and take for granted those women

I don't believe in compromise, at least not in the truest sense of the word. It means both parties have to give up something they want so that the other partner has to settle for only a little bit of what they want. What ends up happening is one partner will go behind the other's back and try to get what it was they had to give up, while the other will try to figure out a way to get everything they want. Both sides will try to cheat the other and blame the other for not honoring the compromise. Both parties lose in a true compromise.

A better solution than compromise is getting both partners to do what they both enjoy in such a way that the other person benefits. If you really value your SO, you don't mind putting effort into the relationship. If you feel compelled to stare at a computer for days at a time, you don't value relationships enough to participate in one. So why do you want a gf? She'd be little more than a couch decoration. If you don't really want a relationship, don't put yourself out there or pressure someone into committing to you.

You reach a point where you have to ask how important certain activities are. If this causes me to lose my SO, does this activity really matter? In my case, my special interest is music. There is no tearing me away from certain ios apps or my laptop or my piano. Heck, I even bought a cheap table saw so I could build custom cases for some of my gear. On the other hand, I teach middle school kids how to play musical instruments, all ages how to play piano, direct and play bass in the student praise band at church, direct the church worship team, rehearse the church choir, direct a handbell trio, play keys in a popular regionally-based horn band, play piano for church services, wedding ceremonies, fundraisers, private parties, sub for other bands when they need a replacement...and that's just what I get paid for. I also play clarinet in a volunteer orchestra, clarinet/piano/handbells/alto recorder in this solo act I do at an assisted living facility, and when I have time, I program synthesizers and compose ambient music that I upload to Youtube.

Yeah, my music is a big deal and leaves me little margin in my day.

On top of all that... I'm married with three children. My youngest stays with me in the afternoon and takes a nap during 7th period while I teach. I help wash dishes. I bake bread at least once a week so we can save money on bread. I bake pizza once every week to save money on ordering out. I spend an entire day every week cutting grass with a push mower because it's too expensive to replace our riding mower. I pick up spiders and safely transport them out of the house so they can be useful elsewhere, kill roaches, and remove dead mice. I help with laundry so my wife doesn't get overwhelmed. And I even manage to wake up early to go running three days a week with my wife and children.

Now, true, the extra stuff takes time away from my writing. It's somewhat a compromise. But it's not really a compromise in the truest sense of the term because my family is important enough to me that I really don't mind the unpleasantness of outside activities. Besides that, my family supports my special interest (music). And my music helps support my family.

All I ever do is win. All WE ever do is win.

Stare at a computer all day long? Great! Now figure out how to earn money with it. Have a gf? Awesome! If you love her, make time for her. I don't think bf/gf has to be joined at the hip or together every day. But you should make a point of talking for an hour or so every day and in-person invade-my-personal-space time once or twice a week. If you're married...well, if you're married there's no such thing as free time or personal space or personal spending money. Date nights are no longer optional, you have to sleep with your partner a minimum of 6 hours a night, spend time with him or her EVERY day, and forget about any privacy, taking a break from each other, etc. You both work a job, THAT is your break from each other (haha).

To some people, this all represents a huge sacrifice, some altruistic burden you must bear. Totally wrong. All these are the rewards and benefits of having a career and relationship. I get to wake up next to a beautiful woman every morning. I get to play music every day. I get to show kids how to do play musical instruments. I get to teach adults how to sing new songs. I get to cook for my family. I get to do laundry. I get to play with MY children. I get to play with my iPhone and my computer. I get to do so many things many people don't get to do and that many more people take for granted. Where one person sees a chore, I see a privilege.

And when it comes to compromise, that's mainly it. Two people working together to benefit each other is not really a compromise. It's winning. The best thing you can do in a relationship is refocus your attitude so you see how the work you do is beneficial to your partner and you are willing to work beyond your personal interests to show how much you truly value someone. If you don't value the other person, that's ok. Cut 'em loose. There's no shame in that. What is shameful is having a person commit to you physically and emotionally to you when you are unwilling to do the same. Replace "I have to..." with "I get to..." in your thinking will really help.

Well said AngelRho.

I don't need a girlfriend to prevent me from pursuing my interests—I already have my parents and certain people from my pseudo-job for that. In fact, this is one of the reasons it was unthinkable for me to have a girlfriend even when I was young, thin and far from being as dilapidated physically and morally as I'm now: I wouldn't have any time for her, because I already owed it to others.

Didn't much like the part wil, he seemed to rag on people who play games, of, or watch tv.
I've meet lots of married couples with kids who do that stuff.
Heck even some all the family plays video games, wife, husband, kids.
Something doesn't have to make you money to be worthwhile

I really want a gf but if I have to give up all mY job is and interests and be a drone worker bee, no thanks. I wouldn't expect said gf to give up her hobbies or interests. Be it shopping, knitting, gamine, rock climbing etc.

If you'll notice, I said that one's relationship shoudl be the most important thing, not necessarily the person... there's a difference to me...

To make your relationship the most important thing, to me, means that you're objectives in your life are to do things to make that bond stronger while making both parties fulfilled. There's what I believe to be a flase concept of 50/50 in a relationship... it doesn't exist. One of the two people will usually have some greater need. Ideally your needs match up in a way which you can both provide each other without taking away from yourself in the process. A healthy relationship is this to me....

In my case, I dropped the ball on making my wife feel as special to me as she actually was. I didn't have to do anything but express how I felt openly and things would have probably been different. She woudl have felt more appreciated, thus been more able to remain patient with me. When someone is making you happy and feel wanted it's really easy to put yourself out for that person to return the favor, even if it means inconveniencing yourself or 'sacrificing' things.

This is all a balancing act. If you're willing to sacrifice your interests at times for your woman, if she cares for you in a real way, should at the same time work on not making you have to sacrifice as many things or as often... My idea always was, you look out for me I'll look out for you in terms of what's beast for each of us. I think the mutual pouring of one's self into each other is what makes a good, fulfilling, happy relationship.

I;m sorry you had such a bad experience that made you jaded. I encourage you to not change the way you are based on one person who may have taken advantage. I know, in my life, I could easily adopt an attitude of bitterness, resentment and anger for all I DID do for my wife (which was quite a bit, it really was) and still got left... but what does that accomplish? It hurts me twice. First dealing with the loss, then dealing with the inability to move forward and have that same thing with someone who may appreciate it this time, while my having life experiences to ensure I don't repeat destructive behaviors in the relationship.

Just my ideas...

Isn't compromise a part of a relationship? Like I hate mushrooms and he hate celery so we make something that has neither of those ingredients. Rather than just making something one of us will hate. When your in a relationship you have taken on a responsibility where you have to consider another person in your life

Small compromises like spending a tiny bit less time on your interests to take an interest in your partner isn't a massive ask and you aren't losing out because your spending time with someone you love. I get obsessed with video games or what ever my special interest is an my fiancee always says to me "please at least make minimal contact such as good morning, I'm alive, I love you, and good night and a 10 minute phone call". He let's me be obsessive but makes it clear that he wants me to keep in contact and it works.

You even have to consider the other person in situations, if everything starts going one persons way all the time the other would become bitter.

And I agree with you angelrho it's about understanding what makes you both happy. I think sometimes partners can be taken for granted.

I usually text during video gaming. Though some games make it so rapid replies aren't possible.

What I see is a lot of people making it seem like I'll have to give up all my interests and spend all my time with a gf. That sounds suffocating

I don't get how someone could go long without talking to their SO.
but most women don't like clingy ess but then complain their bf hardly talks to them 0.o well that's what non clingy people do. They can go hours, days or even weeks without talking to to their SO,cause they aren't clingy aka attached. Other things and space matter more to them. If you ask for a apple don't be upset when you get an apple

Most aren't like you either want someone who shares your interests or accepts them. Just be clear that sometimes you need your alone time.

You need to make some allowance to give the other person time bit it's worth it