Being judged for my family & friends, and not for who I am?

Post Reply New Topic

My biggest insecurity is being judged by others not for who I am as a person, but what kind of people my family and friends are.

This has happened at least once before when it came to making a new friend as his parents didn't allow him to visit my house once his parents met my mother and step-dad, and it could have possibly happened far more times than this as some people don't give the exact reason they rejected you/aren't interested anymore.

I'm lower-middle class and have only befriended mostly middle class and upper-middle class people.

High rates of unemployment, substance abuse, alcoholics, high school dropouts, and outright criminals. By criminals I mean a few of my Uncles and a few others on my father's side of the family being the types to commit thievery, breaking & entering, car theft, assault, drug dealing and petty gang violence.

My friends are morally much better than this, but are complete socially awkward outcasts.

They're of average attractiveness, but very awkward, out-of-shape, unhygienic and unfashionable, and have very geeky and odd interests.

That's putting it nicely.

I don't mean to speak badly of my own friends but I feel even they could drag me down a little.

I am thin, fit, healthy, hygienic, well-put together, fashionable and walk confidently, my best friend is a stereotypical neckbeard - severely overweight, unhygienic, large messy beard and hair, quite tall and shy/unconfident.

I know I sound like an a55hølé, but I don't mean to.

I'm the kind of guy who doesn't want the supermodel type girls and women but the plain girls, the average girls, or the quirky average geeks, or even the slightly less than average but amazingly kind and great personality gals, but I'm afraid even they might be afraid of just who I associate myself with.

My family, was not a choice.

My friends, I continue to be friends with them because I enjoy who they are and their company.

It's my biggest insecurity and I fear I'll be judged for it.

On the surface I come across as normal middle class average guy, but once people dig deeper and meet my family they see the typical over-aggressive, brutish redneck hicks some of my uncle's and family can be.

I personally feel ashamed of introducing my friends or family and try to keep my dating life separate to the rest of my social life but this does not work as all girlfriends would want to eventually meet my family and friends.

If it's any consolation, I would be just as fine to date a girl who doesn't want me to meet any of her family or friends and would not judge her at all for who she associates herself with.

I'm the odd man out and I'd optimistically assume she is too.

I can't meet any girls my age through my family either as they tend to fall into the same category as my family, and I'm actually one of the more successful guys regarding love and dating and friendships with females regarding my male friends.

What do I do about this, or, at least, how do I overcome this insecurity?

Confidence does nothing. I am confident about who I am and optimistically assume the fact I might be trying to meet new girls when I am the way I am and my best friend is the way he is won't affect anything, but it does seem to and this disappoints and hurts me.

I would be giving more thought as to why you are so disloyal and judgemental towards your friends and family and what that says about who you are as a person.

He said:


Maybe he's saying a fact about his family members? Is impossible for a good person to be born in a family having bad members? Why do you always feel the need to accuse OPs that the fault is in them? It's a pattern I have noticed about you, and it's very annoying. You sound on a high horse...always.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 20 Jun 2016, 4:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

Sounds just like my family.

Oh really, then ....I am gonna be judgemental toward you like you did to OP:

WHY are you being so judgemental toward your family? Hmmm.....maybe that speaks volumes about you as a person?

I've accepted that my family are who they are.
What is the point of being ashamed of them?
It wasn't me who did the bad things.
If people don't like me because my uncle's in jail and my cousins are drug traffickers and strippers, etc, etc, well they can get stuffed.

The same goes for my friends.
If I like them I like them - warts and all.
I don't care what other people think.

But that's just me.

I've already said quite a few times in my inital post I deeply care for my friends and family but can not deny they may potentially just drag me down when meeting new friends or possible women for relationships.

I'm a strong believer in things such as social status and I think it's pefectly reasonable for young teens to care about who they associate themselves with and what this does for their image to others.

I am confident and try not to care what others think but when even if I don't care I still am affected, it means sometimes there's no denying it.

I already admitted I feel like an a55hºle to think like this, I feel pompous, arrogant and sure, disloyal, but beating myself up and kicking myself in the guts isn't going to better help my confidence or give me any self-esteem boosts when I already feel very insecure about this.

I'd rather think positively and try to ignore what others think of me or my friends, but when a lot of or even some chances for possible good friendships or relationships are or can be passed-up because they didn't like the look of my friends or family hurts me.

This is why I made this post in the first place.

I am seeking help and ways to overcome this insecurity.

I pessimistically assume most other young people my age can also be very judgementel about who my friends or family are and what they falsely assume that says about me, and this is often the case.

Young people can be very shallow for instance regarding looks and I consider my friends average, even decent looking normal dudes but by 'societies' standards they may appear unkempt and unorganized in their hygiene and appearance in stark contrast to the extensive time and effort I put into my health, body and looks.

What you've got to take into account and understand is the fact my friends and I aren't just the nerdy/geeky type people - even they are of 'higher' social status than us.

We are outcasts among outcasts, the lowest of the low.

We aren't the beta males, we're the omega males.

But I love it this way. I prefer it this way. And I will choose for it to remain this way until the day I die.

I am just as loyal to my friends as they are to me and have never openly said anything negative about them whatsoever.

I don't try to change them, but I do try to encourage them to make better choices and take better paths in life if they want what they desire, and they do the same.

We mutually have always helped and supported each other and strived towards our goals, namely, we all strongly desire happy relationships or friendships and we work hard to achieve this.

So me being constructively critical to help them improve themselves and their lives and, in turn, their attractiveness is also returned by their help by providing me company when i feel down, going out and having fun with me at places (as I have agoraphobia and a fear of living the house) and generally just making my life less lonely, better and happier.

So if I'm still disloyal after all that, than so be it.

I'll never like most of my family though. I hate those f*ckers and want most of them out of my life and will do so aside from a select few in the future.

My own mother dislikes and complains of many of the things others in my family may do and completely supports my decision to break contact with most of my family when I eventually do one day, though she was a little concerned at how extreme my views were compared to hers.

I have full respect for my mother and siblings and all they have ever done for me and my mother has made me the person I am today and I love and cherish the members of my family who actually are good people who positively contribute to my life and the world.

A good majority of my family however are parasitic leeches and that's putting it nicely.

My mother is possibly one of, if not the most hardworking, kind, considerate, selfless, giving, determined and diligent person in the entire family and this is not just an exaggeration.

She has always given her all and more to help most of the family when they are down and out only to be used, abused and betrayed by the people she thought she could trust.

I'm the third person in my entire family to graduate high school, one of the select few interested in studying higher education or actually working a bloody job, I already volunteer my time at retail stores and donate to charities, I am not against occasionaly drug use and am interested myself, but not substance abuse and addiction. I drink socially but am not an alcoholic. I am not a criminal.

I am different. Always have been, always will be. And that's okay.

Question is, how do I accept to myself that it is okay?

I know I can't please anyone, but there's plenty of nice guys and gals I missed out on getting to know because of who I'm typically around.

My friends are nowhere near as bad as my family, but like I said, they may bring me down.

It is judgemental of others to think less of me because of who I associate myself with.

How can I, especially at this age, say 'F*ck 'em'?

Thanks for the feedback.
I appreciate that.

You are you, and your family is your family.

Just keep your own affairs in order, and you'll be okay.

Just encourage your "unhygienic" friends, in a nice way, to take showers. And to wash their clothes. If they're middle/upper class, there shouldn't be a problem with the water bill. Not taking showers often frequently leads to health problems, and to a general feeling of being unwell. I believe it also exacerbates depression.

When will you be going to University? I just feel this might just solve many of your problems.

When will you be moving?

Thank you, kraftiekortie. I can always rely on you to provide me positive and helpful advice.

I've moved, and I'm very hpapy to be here.

Still settling in and getting used to the place, but it's like a 2nd version of one of the better cities I've lived in.

See, I was born in the very bad city I often complained about in past posts, and then I moved to a nice holiday destination coastal city for most of high school, and then was forced to live in the bad city again as my family and I couldn't find a house in time for the place we wanted to go to.

The place we wanted to go to since January 2015, we are finally living her and it's a dream come true.

It's a beautiful coastal city/large town with lots more to do.

It's just what I need to cure my agoraphobia and overcome my fear of leaving the house.

Eventually, I could go for solo jogs or bike rides on the local esplanade and beaches and piers, along with continuing to sightsee and explore with my family.

There's a university here and just by moving I'm more encouraged to start attending as I didn't want to at the old place I lived.

I'm just not sure what I want to do however so it'll probably be the beginning of next year, 2017 or I may give it another year until the beginning of 2018.

It depedns on if I'm ready at the time but I'm sure I just might be.

However in Australia university applications must be lodged very early to get in.

This may cause great stress and anxiety as say I don't turn in the application in September when openings begin, by January next year I may actually be ready but it might have been too late.

The good news is I can also lodge application to begin semester in the middle of the year (I missed this year's middle of the year application round but I'm not ready yet anyway) so if I'm not ready September but am by January, I've still got a second chance next year to apply.

"Thanks for the feedback.
I appreciate that."

Sarcasm or not?

Not sarcasm.

Well do you have any constructive criticism to contribute now that I've cleared up your misconceptions of where my loyalties lie?

I found your initial post very dismissive and unhelpful.

This is an issue I have failed to simply overcome myself, so for the first time I'm bringing it to the spotlight to see what others have to say.

Obviously, I can't go to my own family or friends for this sort of advice as it may directly make them feel hurt or insulted when that's not my intention.

I don't mean anything personal, you seem like a decent guy and past posts have shown that - I'm just being very direct in what I say right now as, if you couldn't tell from the original post, this issue has existed for me for several years now and I'm being serious about it when I ask for help.

If I ask something very personal and serious, I politely ask that it be taken seriously, and not denounced and dismissed with a simple post that shifts all blame towards me.

It's not my family and friends I have an issue with, it's those that judge me, but sometimes the judgmental people have that hold on me I wish I could overcome.

I try not to sound like it's my family and friends I have issue with, but some of the time, it is.

I've changed for the better as a person in the last few years but they haven't.

They're good people but I don't like feeling them drag me down.

Just exclude my friends for a second as they don't really drag me down, if anything they're uplifting and helpful.

But my family has caused great stress and problems for me over the years.

My step-dad is a psychopathic untrustworthy redneck a55høle and it's recently reached the point where his aggression towards my younger brother and sister's occasional misbehavior to the point he nearly physically attacked my younger sister and my mother had to hold him back and I had to physically step-in and my uncle, while not stepping in, stood to watch and was going to step in if my step dad ever hurt me. While I was not hurt, my step dad did try to grab at me and push me back and threatened me.

This abuse towards my family has been going on for a long time now and I've always observed silently from the shadows and instead found methods to control my temper.

The truth is before this there was an incident where my step-dad kept frustrating me throughout the day and it got to the point where when I tried to tell my mother I can't order fast food menus because they're too hard to understand and the neon lights are overstimulating, she didn't understand but it was my step-dad who's condesending and patronizing and aggressive dissmissing of me trying to communicate my issues that caused me to have a public meltdown.

I ended up accidentally yelling at my own mother instead of him but afterwards took it out on my step dad (but not as angry or loud but still quite aggressive).

To random people it would have looked like a verbal assault and the police could have been called on me but I was lucky that did not happen.

This made me want to turn my life around regarding my temper, as it was at that point I already thought I had control over my self but it turns out I didn't.

But it's just still so hard when there's so much stress, negativity, parasites and anger and aggression and abuse in my family going-on.

My aggression ended up meaning most of my friends from high school betrayed me, even the one's I thought could trust and promised would keep in contact with me.

I take full responsibility for my aggression and work to fix it. but like I said I don't beat myself up over it and learn from my mistakes.

My ex-girlfriend was also a great deal of stress for me, very selfish and always believed she was right and I wrong.

It escalated over months to the point she was yelling intimate details publicly at school. I tried to ignore it and end it but I got angry to the point I yelled back at her "You're yelling about sex, and condoms and people having sex publicly (louder) you're yelling about condoms, and sex and people having sex and condoms pubcil. (as loud as i possibly could yell) F*CK UP!! !! F*CK UP!! !! !! !"

I'm sorry I'm giving you my life story but it's all relevant.

The truth is my family is awful and actually HAS had a bad influence on me but I control myself, I swear to never become like them and hate most of them to the point the only true answer is breaking contact and escaping aside from the select few I do care about.

My family bring out the worst in me so even if a future girlfriend doesn't judge me for my family, my family still may cause the stress, frustration, fear and anxiety and anger in my life to the point I could end up driving away future girlfriends myself.

So there's some more feedback for you - don't be so quick to jump to conclusions, as there's far more to my story than you probably would have ever bargained for.

I'm sorry I don't accept my family.

Maybe the same attitude you have towards random people who judge you ('They can get stuffed') is what I have towards my family.

Maybe I'm actually a decent person with morals and a decent kid and not destined to be a low-life like them. Maybe the only way for me to get my head out of the gutter and climb so far out of this deep dark hole that is my life instead of letting the pessimists, losers and degenerates drag me down into the ditch with them is to get as far away as possible and to make new friends and girlfriends keep their distance to my family.

It ain't necessarily about loyalty. It's about knowing I can do better. Someone making the effort for a better life, does not find it any easier when so much stands in their way.

I grew up in Bogan city.
I know what low socio-economic status is, believe me.
I know what abuse and violence is.
I know the culture inside out.

I dropped out of school at fifteen, left home at sixteen and worked and studied hard for many years to 'improve my situation'.
You can try doing that if you like.
Nothing is preventing you.

I think Raleigh is pretty cognizant of life.

I'd listen to Raleigh.

It's understandable to be aware of and concerned for people's perceptions of you and what may or may not negatively affect said perception. That said anyone who is biased against you because of the friends you is usually saying far more about their insecurities and defects as a person rather than yours. As long as your friends aren't doing anything illegal you have nothing to worry about. If anything take pride and comfort in the fact that you are able to look beyond the stereotypes and form a connection with these people as more often than not a lot of the bias they have to deal with is undeserved.

And as far as your family goes as you said you have no choice. Again if someone is judging you based on your family's actions and not your own that shows them to be short sighted jerks.

Aside from Aspergers, social anxiety, agoraphobia, depression, etc.

I'm not as confident as you are (yet), certainly not confident enough to drop out of school at 15 and actually think I could make it in the world. My depression is obvious.

I'm trying right now, in the bet ways I can, at least.

Volunteering, soon going to be on the disability pension, and when I'm ready, begin university study. Continuing my hobbies and interests. When I get the degree and ready for a legitimate career, I'd more than likely be capable of working by that point and off DSP. I may be slightly delayed behind my peers by a few years but that doesn't mean I'm not going to live my life just like they are. So I may start university at 20 rather than 18, or I may only get my liscense until a few years into my young adulthood (got my learner's right now). So I'm only ready for volunteering at retail stores for the time being. Oh well. What more can I do?

The agoraphobia will go away, in due time - one day at a time. Graded exposure (google it).

An issue I've seen other users bring up before is being unable to deal with their family a lot of the time, but being too dependent on them to be able to live on their own.

It's not my mother and siblings I have issue with - it's those my mother still insists on remaining in contact with despite all the pain they bring us.

They are helpful, sometimes, but even when they are the do the bare minimum of what they should, or even less - they half a55 everything.

The other 90% of the time they're parasitic leeches.

And this is coming from a political Socialist.

I'm glad you at least have experienced some of the same type of things I have and what I'm saying isn't absolutely foreign to you.

'Bogan city'? Are you Australian yourself, because that's typically what we say - Americans say redneck.

To be positive, at least since I've moved it's easier to keep distance from certain family, though my step-dad is still here. You can move but a change of location will never make you escape a bad home-life.

I do accept my family for who they are. When actually with them I look for the positives and enjoy my time with them, especailly their arrogant sense of superiority over the police, middle class and upper middle class Australia. Whatever. I don't always over-thin things and just sit back and enjoy the ride with them as they accept me for who I am.

At the same time, behind the scenes I strive for better, for something more.

It's hard to explain. It's just the way I am and always have been - I conform and make friends and get along with family, but behind the scenes not want anything to do with them. A love/hate relationship at best, absolute hate at worst. It varies between the two.

"And as far as your family goes as you said you have no choice. Again if someone is judging you based on your family's actions and not your own that shows them to be short sighted jerks."

I pessimistically believe women may be uncomfortable with the idea of dating a man technically associated with criminals.

They haven't gone so far as to commit murder...yet...but what would it mean for me if one of them did?

I wouldn't tell the girlfriend, but if she eventually finds out, I'm to blame as a liar and a threat to her safety as if she ever made me angry, who knows, she might think I'd get my uncles onto her.

Nah, they're too cowardly to do that. Criminals are cowards. Behind the scenes they commit illegal activity, but once the police are in their face they suck-up.

Something similar did happen; an uncle got a new girlfriend - his best friend's sister.

She lies about pregnancy, grandmother visits to confront them, the (now former) best friend assaulted grandmother, step-dad and another uncle commit home invasion, thus beginning a long on-going petty gang violence family fued.

Maybe it's not the same thing...

There were plenty of on the street attack attempts, the largest confrontation having an extremely large amount of people in an area fighting, etc.