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LimboMan
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29 Sep 2016, 3:38 pm

I am sending several messages to girl's profiles on dating websites but I am not getting any replies, simply. I have a profile with a few pictures, been as positive in my profile not said anything negative and its detailed but not too much. But no one replies to my intended nice and short, friendly messages to try break some ice. Even to girls which share my interests and say their looking for someone similar.
I know they have a choice to reply its their right but the more messages I send the more crap I feel. I've never been in a real relationship I want this experience. I am a bit tired of fantasy and XXX. I just want to feel loved by someone but because I have ASD I find it incredibly difficult to put myself out there and mix with others like NTs so I thought dating online was the best way forward. I don't know what I'm doing wrong maybe I'm too nice or maybe I'm simply unattractive I fear the latter. The sites tell you who viewed your profile and barely anyone's viewed mine even after sending the messages.

Is this normal for men or am I doing something wrong? Am I more likely to get a date to bite the bullet and get myself out there with a bigger social life?


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arthur_arcturus
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29 Sep 2016, 4:52 pm

Girls on dating sites get thousands of messages. When this happens instead of going through them methodically or raising their standards, they simply stop reading all of them. For this reason most profiles are obsolete: there isn't anyone on the other side. Furthermore very many guys create fake female profiles to 'check the competition'. Again you are not talking to a real person. Even if there is a real girl on the other side, practically you are still not 'talking to a real person' because you are not getting through to her in any meaningful way. Women require some fundamental things to become attracted. One is seeing a man display his agency (making things happen). Online, she has to make things happen by working hard to sift through people and she won't have it. Second thing she needs is to perceive the man as higher value/a catch. This can't even begin to happen when he is in the same reference group as thousands of other men. Finally she needs to have her emotions engaged, and this is very unlikely to happen online without non-verbal cues. I recommend you stay away from online dating, it's a waste of time (assuming you have any standards at all).



Sweetleaf
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30 Sep 2016, 12:08 pm

I suppose me and my boyfriend have no standards than, beings that we met on okcupid....

Point is yes it is possible to meet someone online and build a good relationship, but just like meeting/interacting with people IRL it is not uncommon for those of us on the spectrum to have a bit more difficulty than you're average neurotypical.

I mean I didn't meet my boyfriend till after I was on the site for a couple of years and was ghosted and led on by most guys I went out with from there. I guess it was the sex they were after as the ghosting or admission that they aren't really interested in a relationship never came before I had sex with them. I got to the point I was ready to give up on it but if I had then I wouldn't have met my boyfriend. Actually I didn't even respond to his first message for like a month, I glanced at it but was pretty upset about having just been led on again so decided not to bother at that moment, but didn't delete the messege or my account, then when I got over it I messeged him back and it so happened he was still interested. So yeah there's downsides to online dating but its by no means impossible.


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nick007
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04 Oct 2016, 2:42 pm

I tried LOTS of dating sites & sent out lots of messages & barely got any back & quit getting messages after I replied to them. Dating sites are really hard for us guys because there's usually a much higher ratio of guys to girls on them. The girls get overwhelmed with messages or figure they have a chance with the best of the best so lots lof guys get few messages unless they're really hot or mention having a high paying job or something like that.


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Alliekit
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04 Oct 2016, 3:11 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
I suppose me and my boyfriend have no standards than, beings that we met on okcupid....

Point is yes it is possible to meet someone online and build a good relationship, but just like meeting/interacting with people IRL it is not uncommon for those of us on the spectrum to have a bit more difficulty than you're average neurotypical.

I mean I didn't meet my boyfriend till after I was on the site for a couple of years and was ghosted and led on by most guys I went out with from there. I guess it was the sex they were after as the ghosting or admission that they aren't really interested in a relationship never came before I had sex with them. I got to the point I was ready to give up on it but if I had then I wouldn't have met my boyfriend. Actually I didn't even respond to his first message for like a month, I glanced at it but was pretty upset about having just been led on again so decided not to bother at that moment, but didn't delete the messege or my account, then when I got over it I messeged him back and it so happened he was still interested. So yeah there's downsides to online dating but its by no means impossible.


Everything you said is spot on! I had similar issues



Northeastern292
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04 Oct 2016, 8:07 pm

Not unusual at all. In fact, the founder of OkCupid (who I met at an event at the New York Transit Museum back in 2015) has touched up on some of this in a book he wrote. Dating sites, like EVERYTHING ELSE in this work, is very data and metrics-drive.* Give it time, especially if you live in a rural part of the country. I just got out of a relationship, so I'm casually dating.

*I just left a job with a major US telecommunications firm, whose usage of the net promoter score got to be way too much. It's embarrassing to tell customers that your company treats employees that get 9s out of 10s on surveys as failures. Really?



Tim_Tex
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04 Oct 2016, 8:27 pm

All I can say is...it happens.


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izzeme
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05 Oct 2016, 5:22 am

most men on dating sites only have a 25% response rate, or even less.
I myself have a 10% response, but i did get plenty of conversations, some dates and even a few (short-term) relationships out of these sites.

It can be depressing to get so few responses, but indeed, women get 100s of messages even if they only have a single picture and no text.



Outrider
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05 Oct 2016, 5:54 am

I've noticed everyone here who actually mentions success with online dating are typically aspie women dating N.T. men.

Doesn't matter if he's a shy, introverted N.T. guy or an alternative/goth/emo/hippy one - they are still N.T. men.

An aspie male that has actually had success with online dating?

I think I only ever saw one, and even then he said it was only one single LTR and a few dates.

Another one gets a lot of FWBs from them and hookups, but no LTR.



sly279
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05 Oct 2016, 9:54 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
I suppose me and my boyfriend have no standards than, beings that we met on okcupid....

Point is yes it is possible to meet someone online and build a good relationship, but just like meeting/interacting with people IRL it is not uncommon for those of us on the spectrum to have a bit more difficulty than you're average neurotypical.

I mean I didn't meet my boyfriend till after I was on the site for a couple of years and was ghosted and led on by most guys I went out with from there. I guess it was the sex they were after as the ghosting or admission that they aren't really interested in a relationship never came before I had sex with them. I got to the point I was ready to give up on it but if I had then I wouldn't have met my boyfriend. Actually I didn't even respond to his first message for like a month, I glanced at it but was pretty upset about having just been led on again so decided not to bother at that moment, but didn't delete the messege or my account, then when I got over it I messeged him back and it so happened he was still interested. So yeah there's downsides to online dating but its by no means impossible.


Lucky you
If a woman doesn't respond in day or so I hide them



sly279
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05 Oct 2016, 9:55 am

Outrider wrote:
I've noticed everyone here who actually mentions success with online dating are typically aspie women dating N.T. men.

Doesn't matter if he's a shy, introverted N.T. guy or an alternative/goth/emo/hippy one - they are still N.T. men.

An aspie male that has actually had success with online dating?

I think I only ever saw one, and even then he said it was only one single LTR and a few dates.

Another one gets a lot of FWBs from them and hookups, but no LTR.


Yep pretty much. Women have higher success rates for various reasons.
A lot of aspire traits are more acceptable in women then men.



Alliekit
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05 Oct 2016, 10:07 am

sly279 wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
I suppose me and my boyfriend have no standards than, beings that we met on okcupid....

Point is yes it is possible to meet someone online and build a good relationship, but just like meeting/interacting with people IRL it is not uncommon for those of us on the spectrum to have a bit more difficulty than you're average neurotypical.

I mean I didn't meet my boyfriend till after I was on the site for a couple of years and was ghosted and led on by most guys I went out with from there. I guess it was the sex they were after as the ghosting or admission that they aren't really interested in a relationship never came before I had sex with them. I got to the point I was ready to give up on it but if I had then I wouldn't have met my boyfriend. Actually I didn't even respond to his first message for like a month, I glanced at it but was pretty upset about having just been led on again so decided not to bother at that moment, but didn't delete the messege or my account, then when I got over it I messeged him back and it so happened he was still interested. So yeah there's downsides to online dating but its by no means impossible.


Lucky you
If a woman doesn't respond in day or so I hide them


After only a day? That's really quick. What if she hadn't seen your message. Often I wouldn't be on the dating site everyday so it would take me a little time to respond



sly279
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05 Oct 2016, 4:58 pm

Alliekit wrote:
sly279 wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
I suppose me and my boyfriend have no standards than, beings that we met on okcupid....

Point is yes it is possible to meet someone online and build a good relationship, but just like meeting/interacting with people IRL it is not uncommon for those of us on the spectrum to have a bit more difficulty than you're average neurotypical.

I mean I didn't meet my boyfriend till after I was on the site for a couple of years and was ghosted and led on by most guys I went out with from there. I guess it was the sex they were after as the ghosting or admission that they aren't really interested in a relationship never came before I had sex with them. I got to the point I was ready to give up on it but if I had then I wouldn't have met my boyfriend. Actually I didn't even respond to his first message for like a month, I glanced at it but was pretty upset about having just been led on again so decided not to bother at that moment, but didn't delete the messege or my account, then when I got over it I messeged him back and it so happened he was still interested. So yeah there's downsides to online dating but its by no means impossible.


Lucky you
If a woman doesn't respond in day or so I hide them


After only a day? That's really quick. What if she hadn't seen your message. Often I wouldn't be on the dating site everyday so it would take me a little time to respond


Okcupid tells when they on I see them on bunch and no replie. I'm ugly and not a real man so doesn't take a rocket scientist to know they'll not interested.
I've just had 3 women I talked to slot stop replying so I'll be hiding them too. I had had 3,000 women hidden but undid them month ago.

It's tend I've noticed if women don't respond in a day they never do

Hiding them puts them out of sight inatewd of me anxious depressed waiting for them to never reply
I showed you my profiles one right?
Been on there 10 years and I'm still forever single so I think if there was a girl for me I'd have met already :cry:



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05 Oct 2016, 7:44 pm

There are two main reasons why males (especially Aspie males), get few, if any replies:

1. Too much competition. Males usually out number females by a wide margin on those sites. Not only that, but you are competing against everyone within an hour or so of where you live, instead of maybe one or two other people, in person.

2. People are mostly chosen based on their profile picture. If you are just an average looking guy...good luck.