Meeting people in coffee shops.

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I am introverted as well as having Autism and I have been recently reading dating advice for introverted people. Some of this advice suggested that introverted people can meet others in coffee shops. This was on an American Website and I live in the UK so maybe things are different but if I were approached by a stranger wanting to talk to me there I would be more interested in drinking my coffee. Does anybody have any thoughts on this. I would quite like to have a relationship and am willing to try this out, but it seems to me like it could severely backfire.

I actually think they mean you talk to somebody at some gathering, or on some online dating forum, and suggest eating at a coffee shop as a date. A coffee shop, in the US, is usually very much like a diner in terms of cuisine and how you receive your food (informally, via wait staff).

I don't think they mean you go up to somebody in a coffee shop and ask for a date.

The notion of meeting women in coffee shops, while is not completely false, is highly out of date, if not downright quaint. A PUA book I bought in 2002 and still own suggests just that: going to a local coffee shop (independents are preferred over Starbucks) and approaching women there. You can either buy a newspaper there or bring your own book, comment out loud on what you're reading, and initiate conversations based on that. But there's a problem: the book's copyright date is 1989. (Heck, it talks about obsolete things like answering machines and buying women drinks.) Such a tactic will fall flat on its face in 2016, when people in general are more closed-off to strangers, and women specifically are more paranoid about "creepy" men.

If someone happened to ask me out, I would insist on a coffee date. You meet and talk over coffee. It's not formal, it's not expensive and if it doesn't go well, then you aren't having to spend a lot of time with the person. It's an easy out. If it goes well, then you go somewhere else after or make a more formal date for another day.

Yeah. I always like that kind of date because it's relaxed and a good way to get to know someone better. Coffee dates are talking dates.

There's a world of difference between having a coffee-date at a coffee shop and approaching stranger women at a coffee shop.

if/when i go on a first date with someone, i indeed insist on starting at a coffee shop; it is nice and informal, there are a lot of other people around which makes the meeting safe (for her, and becouse i make the suggestion it puts her at ease that i'm less likely a preditor as well as for me, a little shield against being catfished); we can always decide to go on after that, i always have a few suggestions prepared.

walking up to people in a coffee shop; not so much. quite often, people there are already meeting someone, or they want a quick and quiet coffee.

Come on brah, you and I both know many women generally don't want to be approached anywhere.

As I've said in the past, best to disregard women's advice and just approach anytime, anywhere that is clearly very safe and shouldn't provide any immediate danger to a woman.

OP:

Do approach if she's not in a hurry.

If she's on her phone or looks angry, approach anyway.

Too many people are stuck to their phones if you only approach women not on them you probably won't approach any. Ever, OP.

If she's angry, she could have Resting B Face (looks angry or sad even if she's not) or just had a bad day but would actually love for a cute guy to approach her (not everyone who's had a rough day is standoffish, most are but some aren't and actually want someone to give them some positive attention and someone who can listen to them for once).

I look angry and intimidating but I am not always as angry as I appear.

I don't think anyone goes there to date (I see more couples than people approaching strangers), but those who aren't on their laptops or reading a book might be open-minded to a chat. They might just be passing the time.

There's no "rule" against talking to people in a coffee shop, or exchanging contacts with someone you like, but it's not a place for a peacock to show off his feathers.

A coffee shop is actually a good place for a first date if it was pre-organised. Like if you've organised a first date with someone that you met online, like on a dating site, then it's one of the better options as a place that you can just meet for the first time in person.

People in this thread seem to be forgetting the difference between having an existing (first) date in a coffee shop and finding a new date in a coffee shop. The former is still going strong as ever, although some schools of thought say that a coffee shop date is too business-like, and advocate something more lively instead. The latter hasn't been true for at least 10 years. I don't remember ever hearing stories of people finding their significant other or their one-nighter in a coffee shop, other than in the outdated book I read; I became old enough to meet people independently in 2001.

Perhaps due to literal thinking and/or language pragmatics, the aspies on here are confusing two dissimilar meanings of "meet": (1) engage face-to-face with an already-known person after agreeing to do that on the phone, and (2) get to know a new person for the first time.

There does not exist any public place where you can meet "new dates" unless it's at a function specifically designed for that purpose like a singles night or a speed dating event or something. No matter where it is, you're going to look creepy if you just randomly ask strangers on dates. The only safe way to do it is to go to functions specifically designed to find people to date or use online websites specifically designed to do it, or to have friends introduce you to new people. However, you can't just randomly approach strangers.

If you meet for a first date at a coffee shop then that's fine but I don't see how you can meet new people there unless you have mutual friends to introduce you.

Sorry Outrider but that is terrible advice, to tell men to "just approach" any woman anywhere not matter what.

"If she looks angry -- approach anyway"? One way to get punched.

IF ANYONE "looks angry" it's not really advisable to bother them if they're a perfect stranger, man, woman, even just to ask what the time is, for heaven's sake.

It's really bad advice to tell anyone to just "approach anyway" whomever they want to, whatever that person is doing or looking like. Talk about having no respect for sizing up things.

And it doesn't matter if it's broad daylight in a public place -- it's not about a woman "being paranoid" it's just about A HUMAN BEING perhaps wanting to be alone with their thoughts.

Personally when I'm approached by someone when I don't care to be, and that someone has not taken the hint that I'm reading my book or otherwise occupied, I'm not scared, I'm not paranoid, I'm just ANNOYED.

Sometimes, even I don't like to be approached in the street.

I would never approach a woman in a coffee shop.

Yes, I know. You've mentioned that in the past.

But all women are different and have different tastes.

See how instead of generalizing women I'm saying the opposite?

I've seen some that say they'd feel annoyed and bothered at bars, others the opposite. Some say they wouldn't mind being approached in bookstores, others the opposite.

So, approaching anywhere that obviously should not offer her any danger, be it broad daylight or indoors in a well-lit, relatively crowded place at night, the kind of place where if a man tried to get away with something, at least someone would try to stop him before he gets away, is A-Ok in my book.

It may annoy some women, but you are not all women, so it may not annoy other women. All women are different, are they not? Or would you rather I generalize and say 'never bother any women because no woman ever wants to be bothered'.

I thought making generalizations against women is 'sexist', as it's been said many times in the past on this website. I wouldn't want to start generalizing all women now if it's wrong.

As I said, too many young millenials today are stuck to their phones and appear extremely anti-social and standoffish. But not all young men and women on their phones would mind being bothered. Some would be fine if someone tried to talk to them.

We can't generalize young men and women on their phones, either.

If you choose to never approach anyone who's stuck to their phone, has earphones on, or has their head in a book. Well, you'll probably never approach anyone.

I rarely see any girls 16-18, and when I do they are always completely stuck to the phone. They don't take their eyes off or look up whatsoever. Ever.

Now what am I supposed to do?

I kind of take back the angry thing, though.

What I really meant is I've heard even some aspie or anxiety suffering women here or on the social anxiety forums admit they're too shy so they might look down when a guy they're attracted to glances at them or even not know how to express their interest in wanting him to approach.

This can be difficult because some women may become nervous due to being uncomfortable, but some may be because they're actually attracted to the other person, like how a person may be nervous around a crush.

So fine, if a woman looks angry or nervous or uncomfortable, do not approach, OP. I take back what I said about the anger thing. BirdInFlight is correct about this one.

About the anger thing, I have a bit of a skewed perspective on account of being male.

I always look far meaner and angrier than I actually feel and this may intimidate others.

I don't always want to look this way but I do, so it genuinely may drive away and scare off girls who are interested or just anyone who wanted to talk to me for any reason.

It's happened before. I thought a girl might have been checking me out and when I looked at her what I thought was with a neutral face, she nervously looked down as if a little scared/put off by me, so maybe I looked mean or accidentally glared.

I'd probably not be afraid to try and speak to a young male my age who looks just as angry as I do, because even if they're genuinely angry, they'd probably think I am just as angry as well, if not angrier and as a young male if he's roughly the same size or skinnier I'd be more than brave enough to defend myself if necessary.

Besides, we're young males and tend to be smart enough to know not to mess with another young male because he could have just as much willpower as us to commit violence, so only in the most dire of circumstances would a male purposely start a fight with another one, unless they're an absolute fool of course.

Actually more often than not I've spoken to angry looking guys my age and it's either they're angry about something else but genuinely not too bothered by me speaking to them (just like me, a lot of the time), or like me they really do have Resting ar5høle face like I do.

We're young males. We tend to look aggressive, we're raging with testosterone. It's pretty normal for us, actually, to look pretty serious all the time.

I think this explains why I constantly got harassed and hassled in the streets when I was 14 thru 19. Usually by passing drivers, but occasionally by other pedestrians and transit passengers. Despite being a young male, I didn't have anything resembling a resting as*hole face. Quite the opposite: I had a resting kind and gentle face. The youthful appearance didn't help, either. It just caused only two things: revulsion in women, and hostility in men. The ones with a conscience simply ignored me; the ones without victimized me.

Now, at the ripe old age of 33, I walk everywhere I can and ride trains all the time, and I haven't had anyone harass me in almost 5 years. Even in pedestrian-unfriendly areas like South Florida. I'm not sure what's helping me: walking more confidently, wrinkles and receding hairline, or some combination of the two.