Aspie men and distance

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I don't understand these men that clearly are attracted to me or other women who participate on the forum, but they withdraw and won't do anything about it.

It doesn't make sense. If you like someone you get in contact, you want to be with them, you want to talk to them. You don't just drop off all contact.

To me that means he saying, "I'm not interested anymore."

But then you see him again and the signs of attraction are all there, other people tell you they think he likes you, then you reach out because you think maybe he's shy, but he recoils again.

I just don't understand and it really hurts.

*disclaimer #notallaspies but it's a reoccurring theme.

One answer possibly that maybe its an executable function thing?

Are these in the same country of yours?

Aspies are usually logical, if they see it's not practically possible then they just withdraw.

The idea of me travelling half the globe to meet someone I liked online and then she may just tell me next day "Sorry, I didn't feel any chemistry" is so scary.

So I would be too anxious to do a such thing in the first place.

Hugs

Oops, I need to rephrase my original question.

I meant, I see women coming on to the forum and saying men in real life are doing this to them (not men on the forum)

I'm just curious. I've had it happen to me in real life too.

Sorry for the confusion.

Self doubt.

Also people project signs sometimes. It can be difficult to be sure.

I agree staying in contact is the best way to find out.

I think it has to do with not knowing exactly how to approach the situation, so avoiding it instead.

I've never done this to any prospective love interest, but I have distanced myself from things that I was unsure how to handle.

Aspies tend to be less comfortable asking people out, so I don't think you can necessarily correlate interest with initiative here. Just because you like someone doesn't mean you think there's any chance that they like you back, and a lot of people don't want to risk rejection unless they have reason to believe that the other person is interested in them too.

In cases where the attraction is known to be mutual, I'm not really sure why this would happen. I guess it could be anxiety/fear of saying the wrong thing, etc.

Maybe they just don't like you? "Signs of attraction" are subjective, after all.

^^^
He's just not into you...

It's because girls are scary and us guys get nervous around you lot.

This is a little scary to write, but I'll try:

I think it's fear. I feel like anything I could say might be taken the wrong way, or judged. I even unconciously avoid the person, sometimes. They might speak to me, or keep speaking to me, and I freeze up, or if I think I could respond to them, I think it's best not, because I'll jeapodize it somehow or upset them. IRL I just go dead silent and can't speak, they take it as a big sign of disinterest, but it couldn't be further from the truth. I've even (again, unconciously) found myself physically walking away from them out of fear, without even realizing it. I still sometimes (eventually) tell them though that I really like them, but it's too late.

It's hard to figure out, whether the men in my past have hinted at me and done nothing because they were leading me on, or if they genuinely wanted to know me but were actually being ridiculously careful for not wanting to push me away. I'm starting to believe the latter, based on self knowledge.

The thing is, anyone I really liked that much, I would want them in my life, and only them, I'd be ridiculously loyal. Most people are boring, come and go, and I don't want to bother with them.

Most people have this thing of seeing people as good or bad, and this massively gets in the way of my romantic life. I like to see myself as both good and bad, and I want people to know I'm both, without people thinking I'm a monster, or that I'm full of myself. I want to know someone who openly says they're both good and bad. Or just bad. Someone who isn't afraid to "brag" that they like themselves a lot or think they happen to look great sometimes - someone just like me. A man who doesn't feel the need to judge other people constantly, or categorize them immediately if they disagree with just one aspect of that whole person. People like that who actually look and judge by intention rather than necessarily action, are so ridiculously rare, it's not fair.

Yet you write it. You are brave.Aren't we all? I'm amazed people can't work this out but most people show a strong preference for thinking in false dichotomies.A fear that that afflicts both sexes. How many would be romances ended before they began? Just two ships passing in the night.

Ha! To me, even that risk would be worth taking, since I don't have much of a life to leave behind. In fact, I've wanted to do it for years. I just need to save enough money to be able to afford the trip and to look for a job there with a reasonable chance of not ending up homeless in the process or forced to live among people who hate me for my ethnicity and will stab me as soon as they see me or something, and also to jump through whatever hoops there are in place to discourage immigration so I can do it legally.

When I say "good and bad", I don't even mean it in the way most people do. When I say bad, I mean like...mental health issues, depression, anger, racism. All that often goes along with a personality. Some people would count the last two as *really* bad. I don't think so. As long as someone doesn't hurt me physically or keep putting others down (as a lot of "good" people do) then meh, the more viewpoints the merrier.

And when I speak about the "bad" parts of me, I'm not looking for reassurance that I'm actually a good person. I'm saying that yes, that there is a bad side to me, and it doesn't bother me too much most of the time because I'm not in denial.

I believe people should stop burying their heads in the sand about how people actually function.

A few things...

do you know factually the men doing this are Aspie? Exactly how?

I am not an officially diagnosed Aspie, but I'll share a few of my perspectives.

Reciprocated interest is terrifying. Point blank. People act skittish when they are terrified. I mean I could talk to just about anyone one on one with very little problem or anxiety. I'm actually fairly engaging on my good days. But if this is an attractive woman, it gets hard. If she acts even the slightest bit flirty, or I interpret it as such, I get almost immediately flustered.

As i try to dissect the feeling, I realize part of my fear is actually that this woman will actually be into me. Which then means I'd have to endure this anxiety. And even though I'd love to be with this woman, it's almost too intense. So this causes a full or partial shutdown. Thus choking out my real comfortable self, making me seem disinterested and far less interesting as well.

Men are just as scared as you are. Sometimes even more probably. Because we generally have the expectation of initiation and taking the lead. I think if a woman is looking for a man whos loyal, devoted and loving a good trait to look for is a little shyness. Its a sign of humility.

So if I'm understanding correctly, you're approaching these men directly and they, just reject you? Directly how? Sometimes you need to basically hit us upside the head...

I never kissed a girl or anything until I was 17... I was in a group of friends for about a year, where one particular girl had an overwhelmingly obvious crush on me. She was very blatant and forward, yet I didnt get it. I did, but I just had no idea how to do it back. I was scared to. I mean she made all sorts of sexual references to me, and touched me, and literally everything. Eventually one day we were all drinking and she decided to just start kissing me. I got it. We dated for like a year and a half after that and it was a really happy time for me.

POint is, you don't do doing that in every situation... but sometimes forward needs to be REALLY forward for a shy guy to get it. Which puts you in a bad position of overextending yourself and looking foolish. I get that part. Not sure what the answer to that part is...

Just trying to offer some perspective as to why guys may be behaving the way they are, not so much what you can or should do about it.

This is a great self reflection on your part. It's such a hard balancing act to know what or how to approach a very withdrawn, timid woman. The logical thing would seem to be back off, but I've found from experience sometimes that's the worst possible thing to do. But guys may be interested in you but not want to come on too strong because they sense you will be intimidated by that, when in reality you may need to be hit upside the head with the fact that he really likes you and you're just timid.



Amen to that. People are boring. The interesting ones are hard to find that's for sure.





Yes, yes, yes.

In romance, and in all relationships really, people fail big time at taking others as a whole. I am a true believer in accepting people's 'good' and 'bad'. Better expressed as pros/cons. Everything comes at a price. Want someone realty loyal? They may be too clingy or insecure. Want someone confident? They may be to bold and disloyal. Someone adventurous? They may be a little crazy. Passionate? Temper. Childlike? Immature.

My point is if you expect to be happy with someone, you must learn to accept and embrace these things about someone. I, for example, have an anger problem and am overprotective. However part of this comes from the intensity from which I love someone when I love them I want to protect them and want them to want me to. This is a huge negative for some. But it also comes with an intense loyalty of never having to wonder what I'm doing, because it'd never be anything bad and my entire life is an open book to placate even the wildest of your unlikely suspicions.

Just as an example.

In my marriage, my wife was intensely insecure about her body. To the point where it hindered her life and it was, and is actually really sad because she's actually really cute. And even if she weren't it's still never that important. But since I really loved her I accepted at he having to constantly reassure her of the same things everyday for 12 years like it was still the first time. Of having to not go out because she felt she was disgusting and couldn't be seen in public. Not being able to really have male friends around to where I never even had any more because she felt judged by every man alive. I hated these things, but accepted them as part of the package that also brought me so many wonderful, unique things that made my life awesome.

I've been this way with my best friend also... to the point where people cant understand why I'm still his friend sometimes, but I see people for what they really are and all of what they really are. Which is why I have so few friends. I expect others to see me the same and so few do...