I'm 23, female at least in terms of biology/appearance. For the last couple of months I had made plans to kill myself on the 22nd November, so in a few days. I've been suicidal for most of my life, however my incredibly painful relationship with my ex-boyfriend triggered the suicidal plans to become imminent. I decided to go to Denmark to kill myself and possibly spend a little time across the border in Sweden before doing so since I always wanted to go there. I never felt at home in the UK (where I'm from) and feel far more affinity with Scandinavia so I wanted to die in a country I felt more at home. Denmark is the only Scandinavian country I've actually been to and developed a familiarity with due to my ex-boyfriend being Danish, however I'm obsessed with Scandinavia in general.
I'm a domme (female dominant in BDSM) and also close to asexual... I've never had normal sex. My ex-boyfriend is a sub so we had a D/s relationship though acted like a "normal" couple as well. Since I was planning to kill myself in a week and just wanted to "exhaust all possibilities" before doing it, I posted on reddit BDSM personals saying I was looking for someone and detailing exactly what I'm attracted to... which is very specific, I'm attracted to very few people at all.
I got a lot of responses, however only one who I actually found remotely attractive. He's Swedish, 21, is a sub, very shy and socially awkward and plays video games a lot. Has tried been with a girl sexually once before 2 years ago but not had a girlfriend from what I understand.
We talked for a bit in messages on reddit and he seemed very sweet... I didn't respond for a little while and he wrote to me saying he was worried I didn't like him or he'd upset me. We added each other on Skype and he was all like, I need to talk to you about something. He said he'd Googled my name and found a post I'd written a couple of days before saying I was going to kill myself on the 22nd. He seemed very upset about it and asked if there was anything he could do to stop me from going ahead. We spend a couple of nights talking all night for several hours and he was being very caring, kept telling me he hated how I felt bad about myself and the fact I put myself down so much. He also said he wanted to come and meet me when I went to Denmark (as I had planned to kill myself) although he felt overwhelmed by the idea he said he would travel the 2/3 hours to get there. He also talked to my best friend and remembered stuff I was telling him about my family, being vegetarian etc. I told him I had issues with my gender (I never really identified or felt comfortable being female) and he was very understanding and seemed to know a lot about "trans issues" and asked me a lot of questions about how I felt about things etc. He also said a lot about how he wanted to "cuddle" and be intimate in a non-sexual way if we were to meet. He tells me stuff about his family, like that his brother is having a kid, that kind of thing. The day before yesterday I asked if he hated me and he said, "of course not" and I said, I hope you don't feel like you have to talk to me and he said, "why would you think I minded, I have stayed up all night talking to you!" so basically he insists he doesn't "not" like me. He also told me he is very insecure and has low self-esteem and that he was never been able to find a girl who is a domme who is caring and not just interested in money. I also told him I was going out a couple of days ago and when I got back I said, "just got back" and he say "yaaay". He also got jealous when I said I was checking reddit... well I said I'd got a message from some guy that was strange and he said, "why are you checking your messages on reddit?" and I said "jealous?" and he said, "Maybe a little". He also told me he wasn't doing his essay because he wanted to talk to me instead. When he has sent me pictures of himself (not sexual) he gets scared if I don't respond immediately or says stuff like, please don't be horrible.
Yesterday he was being very slow responding to my messages, I asked if he would talk to me on Skype (voice) and he said "aw, I am in another call sadly" I said okay and he wrote back saying, "I am so sorry" so I said just let me know when you are free... I then just fell asleep because I was so tired but when I got up he had written back saying "night night x"
Today I sent him a message saying "sorry I fell asleep last night" a couple of hours ago and he only just responded after 2 hours, saying "it's alright" although it said he was online before.
I don't really know what to think. When we talk he does seem interested and asks a lot of questions about me, however he doesn't initiate conversations, doesn't ask me to voice/video chat. And as I said, he has been very slow with responses a lot the last couple of days.
On the other hand, he has said repeatedly that he's extremely shy and nervous (we have video chatted and he spent most of the call with his hair in his eyes, gnawing on his wrist and not saying anything or making eye contact) he studies from home so has a lot of work to do and games a lot and says he can be bad at staying in touch with people and I'm probably excessively sensitive to rejection because of my past experiences.
And given we've never even met, if he didn't like me or want to talk to me he could very easily just delete me from Skype and think no more of it.
I do like him a lot.
What should I think/do? Is he just shy? Am I being paranoid or should I just assume he's not into me?
19 Nov 2016, 6:27 pm
