Dating an aspie

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I'm dating an aspie girl, but she doesn't know that she's an Aspie. Is there anything I should know to make the relationship work?

Things just got a lot more complicated. After suddenly (and vigorously) making out with me, she says that she doesn't want a relationship. I inquire, and it turns out that she has self esteem and trust issues. I ask her if she likes me, she replies yes. I ask her her if she can try to put her trust issues aside and dive in, and she says that she has a hard time with the emotional aspect of relationships, as she can't put away rational thought when engaging in intimacy. I was extremely tempted to tell her that she's very likely on the Autism spectrum, but I refrained. Should I do so? Would it be helpful in making her understand why she has these issues, and to further our relationship? I really desperately need advice.

How do,you think it will help? It will not change how she feels able to respond. As I keep finding over and over again in my relationship it is about accepting someone for who they are rather than trying to,change them. Patience seems to be the greatest thing you can give your girlfriend. And space if she needs it. Believe me I know this is easier said than done - my advice would be for you to read everything you can to help you understand why emotional situations are so difficult for aspies. Hope it helps and as you can see f rom my recent post I rarely get it right, but I do keep trying

Let me try to reply to each and every bit one by one. I'm going to be a little blunt and straight to the point with you so please don't take it too harshly.

I'm too lazy to do the grey quote boxes.

"I'm dating an aspie girl, but she doesn't know that she's an Aspie."

It's a bad idea to try and guess what mental disorders your friends or girlfriend have.

It's generally considered inappropriate and rude to bring it up with someone.

Tip #1 is to stop guessing she's an aspie.

For the sake of answering your questions, we will, at this moment, assume she is.

"Is there anything I should know to make the relationship work?"

All aspies are different, but as you may have guessed, it seems a lot of aspies take a longer time to warm up to affection or don't even like it at all.

Even I do it. In the first few weeks I'd rather just get to know her as a person and rarely/barely touch her but this has made girls who were interested lose interest in me because I wasn't affectionate fast enough.

If she has trouble making the first move, or only gives short responses in text, or other signs like doesn't flirt, not too affectionate yet, etc. consider it normal. Don't start to think it has anything to do with you. You may not have done anything wrong.

Trust her word. If she says she's having fun with you, don't doubt it if she lacks the ability to show it and express it properly.

"After suddenly (and vigorously) making out with me, she says that she doesn't want a relationship."

Are you saying she took the initiative here?

"I ask her her if she can try to put her trust issues aside and dive in, and she says that she has a hard time with the emotional aspect of relationships, as she can't put away rational thought when engaging in intimacy."

I also dated a girl with trust issues and low self-esteem. All her past boyfriends were bad ones and some pressured her for sex. This meant she felt she'd rather take things slow and wait a long time before doing anything like that.

I mean no offense to you but it sounds like you moved things much faster, e.g. how originally you tried to have sex with her after only two weeks.

You were moving too fast for her in this case, and if you're the one who suggested making out I'm sorry but that makes it even worse.

But anyway, take what I say with a grain of salt.

Unfortunately despite my experiences I'm probably just as confused here as you are.

This is such an unusual situation so it best be we recap what's actually going on:

1. You started dating a suspected aspie girl.

2. After two weeks or so, you tried to have sex with her.

3. She broke up with you because she 'wasn't ready'.

4. She wanted to get back together.

5. She made out with you but then told you of her low self-esteem and trust issues, meaning there were maybe two problems she has 1. She doesn't like herself and doubts you would, she's afraid to let herself be vulnerable because she only believes she'll be hurt. 2. She also doesn't trust you enough yet to further the intimacy.

6. She tried breaking up with you.

All I can say is this:

Keep spending time with her, but if she ever brings up the low self-esteem and trust issues, say something along the lines of this:

"I care about you and enjoy spending time with you. I understand you have these issues but I just wanted to let you know I still wanna make this work. I'm perfectly okay with taking things really slow with you if that's what you need and don't mind if it takes me a very long time to earn your trust. I'll be patient. And I'm not sure what you mean by low self-esteem? Just know that you don't ever have to be anything more than you are to impress me, I like you just as you are and just want to spend time with you, get to know you and eventually be able to also hug and kiss and hold you and make you feel loved when you're ready for that. You don't have to worry about me pressuring you for sex, either. I know that made you uncomfortable so it'll be a long time before I ever try to go that far again, only when you're ready."

^ Take your focus off whether she may be aspie or not, it won't do either of you any good. It's really not important.

I'll expand a bit (just a bit): I've met lots of people with AS. They vary quite a bit, I'm not just saying that to make people with AS sound more individual from an offended stance or anything, I'm saying in my experience they really are quite varied in personality. You would have to come up with more examples of what *she* in particular is like, before people can really expand on any advice they give you. That and, you have to be careful about labelling people with a "disorder", a lot of people will take it personally and think you're accusing them of having something wrong with them, despite your good intentions.

There's a lot of aspies here who were mistaken as and called the r-word in high school, mostly out of bullying the reason it's inappropriate to even suggest someone has a mental disorder is for similar reasons.

It's basically saying to someone 'I think you're mentally ill/something's wrong with you/you're messed up in the head'.

Even if you mean well most people take it this way.

Someone suggested I might have ADHD once in a polite way because of how I am and even that pissed me off a little because I know I don't.

why not tell her your an aspie and tell her about what aspies struggle with and she might come to the conclusion on her own

I told her about my aspergers, she said she likes me just the same. Also, we came to talking about sex, and she she said that she feels sex is like giving a part of yourself away, and that she wishes to delay sex until marriage.

Well might as well cut to the chase and suggest the possibility ought to be explored and see how she reacts, a healthy relationship is built upon the depth of exchanges and the bedrock of trust and noble intentions often leave footprints that you can more comfortably wander along in topics that intersect.

She's gone off her rocker...a couple days ago, she came into my room, said "I can't see or talk to you again, goodbye" and then ran away. It's clear that she's an emotionally volatile person, and there's very little I can do to address that. At this point in time, I'm letting it go, and if she comes back to me again, I'm saying I'm through with her. Thus concludes the first relationship of my life.