If he cared or missed me he would make contact . . .right?

Post Reply New Topic

So deep emotional friendship with an Aspie guy for the past 18months. Over the past month or so it seemed like he more easily got irritated with me, and got cross a couple of times over what I thought were unreasonable things. I have also been aware that I do more and more for him. He will often text asking me to do small favours for him. I never mind, and he always says "please do not worry if you do not have time" However I guess I started to feel that it was becoming more and more one sided our friendship. He is less likely to give me compliments, or to,say that I'm special, he cares etc etc. Although we still have a lot of fun when it is just us one to one, and we have some really fun adventures together.

I did tell him how upset I was by him losing his temper with me on those 2 occasions. He was very sorry. Hugged me and apologised lots. I said I will have to walk away if you keep,hurting me because I'm too,vulnerable,for,this. He was adamant he wouldn't want that to happen.

However last Saturday we got into another row about when we were going to meetagain. He immediately got defensive when I expressed disappointment that it wouldn't be for another 3 weeks. He accused me of wanting him to alter his plans etc etc. I reassured him that wasn't the case, but it led on again to me saying I was finding the relationship too difficult. I said I thought it would be better if we didn't see each other any more as I just keep getting hurt. That I needed him to find some way of showing me he cares. "He says "I do care". But to me it seems he doesn't show it in any ways . . .. .

So I told him I was really glad we had met and he is very special to me, but unless he can find a way to show me he cares I'm going to have to walk away from the friendship. He replied with saying he is sorry I feel,that way, that he is very glad we met, and that he does care . . .. . .

The next morning he text me as if nothing had been said usual good morning, and what he was doing. I didn't reply . .. . And since then nothing at all. Usually without fail he texts me morning and night even if I haven't replied. I see him online and he doesn't initiate conversation ( neither do I)

My feeling is that probably he doesn't care so much, and maybe is actually pleased the relationship is finished. Although he was adamant he wanted our friendship to,continue in our last conversations.

Sorry for the long ramble. All thoughts appreciated. I'm going round and round in circles. I miss him dreadfully, but also I know the relationship was becoming unhealthily one sided . . . ..

Genuine question: what exactly do you want from him?

You're saying that you weren't happy with how the relationship was going. Chances are, that isn't going to change.

So, you've said that you don't think it's working out. You've told him you wanted to walk away from the friendship unless he can show that he cares.

Then, when he does try to show that he cares (texting morning and night every day, even when you don't respond, seems like a pretty caring thing to do!), you ignore him and show that you're not interested.

Now, you're feeling upset because he's not continuing to chase you? You want to be in a situation where you ignore him, and he does the work?

You've said 'if he cared he'd make contact'. Truth is, he did, and you ignored it.

It seems like you're playing games a little. He's not to know what you want from this.

And I completely see your perspective. I know the relationship may feel one-sided, but if it's not worth it to you then you should cut your losses and move on. If it is worth it, don't ignore him. There's no space for a middle-ground where you want both things and he's expected to both contact you and leave you alone depending on your feelings at a particular moment, or when you say you want to be left alone but secretly want him to spend his time chasing.

You make some good points . .. . . And I do worry that I don't know exactly what I want. I do a huge amount for him. Spend a lot of money and time to help him with his special interest and business venture. I will drive back and forth 20 miles several times a day to drop off and pick up as needed. He is very appreciative, and I do it because I care and want him to be happy. However I wish that sometimes he would do something for me to,show he cares. Yes he texts me every day, but other than that it almost feels like he thinks I should be privileged to spend time with him "I'm here with you" is his usual answer to how do I know if he cares . . ..

I hate feeling over emotional and needy. I am a popular woman with many friends male and female and it is an usual feeling for me to feel insecure. I buy him many presents. He gives me special things from his collections which I love. He once said he wanted to,buy me something. I sent him a link for,something (not expensive), but he never got around to buying it for me. . . . . . . I have sent him one text since the weekend with simply "xx" and he replied with the same . .. . . .

And in my defence I haven't been ignoring his morning and evening texts . . . He hasn't been doing them since our discussion on Saturday. Apart from a morning one on Sunday. I didn't answer because I was not sure what I wanted or needed. . .. . .

But usually if for some reason I hadn't answered the morning text he would still send me the good night one. Not a complaint but just trying to read whether this means he is content with the relationship being over.

I fully understand. I know it must be difficult and you put up with a lot! And honestly, as the autistic partner in my relationship I know that I probably don't do enough to show my husband how I feel, in the way that might be expected.

And I suppose, 'I'm here with you' can feel like enough to an autistic person. I don't speak for everyone, but I am a very solitary creature, and the fact that I love someone enough to want to be with them as often as possible is testament to how strong that love is. But, I fully appreciate that "Well, I haven't run away yet!" isn't exactly what you're looking for.

The thing is, that probably can't change. And it can be hard to face that, from both perspectives.

It's a big ask, committing to take the 'autism issues' on long-term. But, as my husband puts it, 'everyone has their issues'.

Relationships shouldn't feel one-sided, but hopefully if you do want to continue then you can find the 'hidden sides'. What seems like it's one-sided on the surface, may actually have so many other positive aspects that you wouldn't find elsewhere.

I may not be the most spontaneous and outwardly affectionate, but I hope that my husband loves me for being 'nurturing in a practical way', and passionate about the things I believe in and the people that I love, and driven, ambitious, and loyal. And, despite the illusion that comes from struggling with changes of plans, actually a very relaxed individual who encourages him to live his life the way he wants - he doesn't have to deal with a wife that talks about him negatively behind his back, or goes out drinking with her friends, or plays mind games...you get the idea - we all have our positives and negatives! I hope that I give my husband as much as he gives me, even if we seem to be on completely different tracks with it all, and I've always told him that I would want him to leave if that ever changed. He hasn't yet!

Autistic people are individuals, just like everyone else. You shouldn't feel that the autistic person is a charity case and you're doing them a favour by being with them. If you're going to be in the relationship, be in it because it's beneficial for you both. If you feel like it's going to be more negative than positive, then don't let yourself feel trapped, but he's going to need to know either way because we can be useless at 'what I'm supposed to do next'. One of my most common phrases is 'I don't know what you want me to say/do here'.

If you have ignored him and he has stopped sending you messages, you have given him the hint you want nothing to do with him so he doesn't want to stalk you and harass you if you want to move on. It's just common sense to stop messaging someone if they never respond and you two were already broken up. Now if you still want to talk and keep in contact, you are going to have to be the one to message him so he knows you didn't just move on and wanted nothing to do with him.

Trouble is . . .. . I guess I don't know what I want. I adore him. He makes me laugh. He shows me amazing things I would never have thought to,go to, or discover. I don't want to be making him unhappy by keep needing reassurance. I certainly don't see him as a charity case . . .. . .part of my insecurity comes from not understanding why everyone doesn't find him as amazing as I do . . ..

He probably read my "Men's thread:when she never initiates communication" thread and joined my cult.

Haha maybe indeed. . . . .anyway I text him :-p

Ha. . . . You're right it's not the best compliment I've ever received but at least I know,it's genuine.

I text him after talking to you guys last night (so thank you for your help) we just said our good nights and he answered me within about 30 seconds so guess he was happy to hear from me. Today I had a more in depth conversation about my worries that he finds my neediness annoying and therefore stops him enjoying our friendship. He replied that I just need to do what makes me happy but that he appreciates everything I do and he enjoys our relationship . . . .. . . And from my point of view being out of touch with him makes me feel like I have lost a limb . . .. . I will continue to work on curbing my need for emotional reassurance.

Thanks for your help again

Oh my goodness Love, I'm so so sorry for my long absence. I had no clue all of this was going on, and I've been having interesting Autism related issues of my own to deal with, so I haven't been up here, but I want to say this to you and I'm going to try to say this as jently as I can, because I totally love you to pieces and don't want to hurt you. You've been struggling with this situation for a while now with this guy, and from what I'm seeing, I feel that you either subconsciously or even consciously are holding out hope that somehow, he's going to magically transform into what you need him to be, for you. Sweetie, this isn't going to happen. He is Autistic, which means, he has some built in characteristics that can't be altered, or changed, and he has no clue even that he's doing anything wrong. Even if you tried to lay it out for him, spell it out, the things you need would not be a natural thing to him to do, therefor, he will keep needing reminded, even if you could manage to get him to do what it is you want him to do. Also, even if he does try to do something that isn't within his power to do, eventually, this may lead to an overload and a breakdown! I don't think this is what you want, is it? I know I've said this before, but I'll say it to you again. You need to either accept the way he is able to love you, and show you love, or you need to let him go. It isn't fair to keep backing him into a corner like this, everytime you feel insecure. As my Mama use to say, it's time to Poo or get off the pot. Well, not those exact words, but you get the idea... Either accept him for who he is and what he can give you, or let him go.

Hi Bridgette . . . How wonderful to have you here. I hope everything is ok with you.
Everything you say it true and correct . . . .. I do struggle and I do get myself to these situations where I can't find a way forward. However I come here, talk to you, read research and information and I usually get my head together and realise this is about me not him. I do worry that I'm not being fair to him, but he assures me I don't upset him, more he is just bemused by what I am wanting, and he kind of leaves me to get on with it. I did genuinely mean to walk away this time because of all the things you point out . . . .. however after a few days I miss him like a big gaping hole in my solar plexus . . . .. . . And I know he is pleased that I resumed contact.

I will keep trying to keep my emotions and expectations under control. I would never want to change him. Just sometimes it gets to a point where the balance seems a little to much directed to me doing all the work.

Anyway you take care and hopefully talk soon. I promise to try not to get myself in this situation again for a while . . .. . . .

I know how difficult it can be Hun, beli and the truth is, there are times when it will feel like we are doing the majority of the work in the relationship, or the giving. The thing you have to ask yourself is, is it worth it to you, or not? The worst thing you can do though, is keep doing the Yoyo thing each time you feel stuck. I am here though, to remind you as much as I can be Hun. Yikes, Alex needs to fix this thing. LOL.

^ Love birds, I've heard that ménage à trois can be very fun.