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What exactly IS a date?

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randomeu
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04 Nov 2016, 4:43 pm

like what happens that makes it count as a date? ive never been on one (as im ridiculously shy and the gay scene is VERY small here, to almost none existant)


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AngelRho
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05 Nov 2016, 2:26 pm

randomeu wrote:
like what happens that makes it count as a date? ive never been on one (as im ridiculously shy and the gay scene is VERY small here, to almost none existant)

Hmmm...the "gay scene" doesn't exactly play by "the rules," so my opinion may not mean much here. I define dating as ANY kind of get-together between anyone of the opposite sex for the the purpose of getting to know each other and exploring the potential for a LTR. All you need is two people meeting at a pre-arranged time and place. 15 minutes over lunch is just as much a date as a 4-hour dinner/movie/desert arrangement as long as the details were agreed to earlier at least within the past week and both participants committed to it.

Since the purpose is to get to know someone on a more personal level (movie dates are really not the most effective), it is expected that whoever is asking for a date reward the person he asks. This sends the message that "I value the time you spend with me and wish to repay you for your time." If things don't go well and she refuses a second date, AT LEAST nobody ends the first date empty-handed. BTW, physical intimacy or future dates are not goals of any date. The goal is to get to know someone better. If you find you don't want another date with someone or your date doesn't want to go out with you again, you've actually SUCCEEDED because you've narrowed your playing field.

So, as far as I'm concerned, to count as a date:
1. Must be pre-arranged
2. Involves some kind of reward or exchange
3. Sharing information is the goal
4. Provides useful feedback for future inter-personal encounters leading towards a LTR



kraftiekortie
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07 Nov 2016, 2:57 pm

To me, a date doesn't require a "reward" or "exchange."

The other items apply even to same-sex get-togethers.



Almajo88
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11 Nov 2016, 5:52 am

I don't really understand the concept of a 'date'. I just sort of hang out with someone and don't really see the need to make things excessively awkward.



AngelRho
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11 Nov 2016, 1:21 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
To me, a date doesn't require a "reward" or "exchange."

The other items apply even to same-sex get-togethers.

There's always a reward, whether you're looking for it or not. Spending time in the presence of awesomeness is its own reward. You should always make sure the person you spend time with doesn't regret it. With dating, your girl should be able to say "Well, at least the gift/dinner was nice" if nothing else.



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11 Nov 2016, 10:17 pm

AngelRho wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
To me, a date doesn't require a "reward" or "exchange."

The other items apply even to same-sex get-togethers.

There's always a reward, whether you're looking for it or not. Spending time in the presence of awesomeness is its own reward. You should always make sure the person you spend time with doesn't regret it. With dating, your girl should be able to say "Well, at least the gift/dinner was nice" if nothing else.

Well then, what does a man get out of a bad date?



Brianruns10
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11 Nov 2016, 10:36 pm

A date is an opportunity to be judged and rejected.



AngelRho
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13 Nov 2016, 4:54 pm

RushKing wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
To me, a date doesn't require a "reward" or "exchange."

The other items apply even to same-sex get-togethers.

There's always a reward, whether you're looking for it or not. Spending time in the presence of awesomeness is its own reward. You should always make sure the person you spend time with doesn't regret it. With dating, your girl should be able to say "Well, at least the gift/dinner was nice" if nothing else.

Well then, what does a man get out of a bad date?

Well, I don't really think there is such a thing. Or if you really had a bad date, it might be making poor choices of who you ask out and/or bad planning.

To answer your question, it all depends. One way of looking at is if you get nothing out of it, it's a bad date. My preferred answer is if you have a bad date, at least you get information. Things didn't go so well, so I'm not going out with HER again. Also, I feel like spending time with someone to get to know them better IS the reward. It's not really about what your date can offer you. You get to spend a little time getting to know her. The instant you've met her or picked her up, you've just succeeded. The real trick is making it worth it for her to hang out with you. If it's a bad date and you've done all you can, at least you got the experience. You can write her off and not ask her out again. Or you can assess what went wrong and use that to help make things work smoother in the future. There's always a win.



racheypie666
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13 Nov 2016, 5:03 pm

Isn't it just any get-together with a romantic undertone, rather than a friendship-type get together?

I know what you mean, I've been on 'dates' I guess but they didn't feel like dates to me because I didn't really pick up on the romantic bit (or feel it if I knew it was supposed to be there).

Technically I don't think it has to be pre-arranged though. i.e. if you meet someone completely new and decide to get coffee together (romantically) then that's a date surely, even though it's spur-of-the-moment?



goldfish21
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13 Nov 2016, 5:14 pm

AngelRho wrote:
randomeu wrote:
like what happens that makes it count as a date? ive never been on one (as im ridiculously shy and the gay scene is VERY small here, to almost none existant)

Hmmm...the "gay scene" doesn't exactly play by "the rules," so my opinion may not mean much here. I define dating as ANY kind of get-together between anyone of the opposite sex for the the purpose of getting to know each other and exploring the potential for a LTR. All you need is two people meeting at a pre-arranged time and place. 15 minutes over lunch is just as much a date as a 4-hour dinner/movie/desert arrangement as long as the details were agreed to earlier at least within the past week and both participants committed to it.

Since the purpose is to get to know someone on a more personal level (movie dates are really not the most effective), it is expected that whoever is asking for a date reward the person he asks. This sends the message that "I value the time you spend with me and wish to repay you for your time." If things don't go well and she refuses a second date, AT LEAST nobody ends the first date empty-handed. BTW, physical intimacy or future dates are not goals of any date. The goal is to get to know someone better. If you find you don't want another date with someone or your date doesn't want to go out with you again, you've actually SUCCEEDED because you've narrowed your playing field.

So, as far as I'm concerned, to count as a date:
1. Must be pre-arranged
2. Involves some kind of reward or exchange
3. Sharing information is the goal
4. Provides useful feedback for future inter-personal encounters leading towards a LTR


This is a pretty good definition. It's the determination of whether or not there's sexual attraction or romantic chemistry that sets a date apart from merely hanging out with a friend. Also, any action on such things - ie a kiss, holding hands, a hug, or any sort of sexual activity.

As for the gay aspect.. technically there's nothing different from a typical hetero date that makes a date a date. In reality, there's not an awful lot of actual dating going on in the gay community. I mean, there is, but there's a much larger hookup culture than dating scene. If gay guys are attracted to each other, it's very common for them to meet up for the express purpose of completely meaningless no strings attached sex. Sometimes this is a one time thing, others ongoing, sometimes it turns in a FWB situation, and in others yet a LTR. That's the most common gay "dating" scenario IMO.

However, not everyone is into hooking up. Some gay guys are into meeting and dating people the old fashioned way and that's just fine if that's the way you are. There are no rules. Nothing says you have to be interested in going on traditional dates, nor does it say you have to be a hypersexual guy into hooking up with guys you're into. Do whatever feels right for you - just be safe and respectful about it.


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RushKing
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13 Nov 2016, 6:53 pm

AngelRho wrote:
RushKing wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
To me, a date doesn't require a "reward" or "exchange."

The other items apply even to same-sex get-togethers.

There's always a reward, whether you're looking for it or not. Spending time in the presence of awesomeness is its own reward. You should always make sure the person you spend time with doesn't regret it. With dating, your girl should be able to say "Well, at least the gift/dinner was nice" if nothing else.

Well then, what does a man get out of a bad date?

Well, I don't really think there is such a thing. Or if you really had a bad date, it might be making poor choices of who you ask out and/or bad planning.

To answer your question, it all depends. One way of looking at is if you get nothing out of it, it's a bad date. My preferred answer is if you have a bad date, at least you get information. Things didn't go so well, so I'm not going out with HER again. Also, I feel like spending time with someone to get to know them better IS the reward. It's not really about what your date can offer you.

Than why am I paying for her time?

Isn't my time valuable?



racheypie666
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13 Nov 2016, 6:57 pm

RushKing wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
RushKing wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
To me, a date doesn't require a "reward" or "exchange."

The other items apply even to same-sex get-togethers.

There's always a reward, whether you're looking for it or not. Spending time in the presence of awesomeness is its own reward. You should always make sure the person you spend time with doesn't regret it. With dating, your girl should be able to say "Well, at least the gift/dinner was nice" if nothing else.

Well then, what does a man get out of a bad date?

Well, I don't really think there is such a thing. Or if you really had a bad date, it might be making poor choices of who you ask out and/or bad planning.

To answer your question, it all depends. One way of looking at is if you get nothing out of it, it's a bad date. My preferred answer is if you have a bad date, at least you get information. Things didn't go so well, so I'm not going out with HER again. Also, I feel like spending time with someone to get to know them better IS the reward. It's not really about what your date can offer you.

Than why am I paying for her time?

Isn't my time valuable?


What do you mean paying for her time :? ?



RushKing
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13 Nov 2016, 7:03 pm

racheypie666 wrote:
RushKing wrote:
Than why am I paying for her time?

Isn't my time valuable?


What do you mean paying for her time :? ?

Paying for the dinner, giving the gifts, doing what the man is "supposed" to do for attention.



racheypie666
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13 Nov 2016, 7:07 pm

RushKing wrote:
racheypie666 wrote:
RushKing wrote:
Than why am I paying for her time?

Isn't my time valuable?


What do you mean paying for her time :? ?

Paying for the dinner, giving the gifts, doing what the man is "supposed" to do for attention.


Oh. Couldn't you just date in a way that doesn't conform to that, i.e. splitting the bill or taking it in turns to pay? If you don't like doing what you're "supposed" to do, then why do it? You'll only resent the girl anyway if you feel like that, plus girls who are happy to pay or share do exist - I am one of them.



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13 Nov 2016, 8:03 pm

Almajo88 wrote:
I don't really understand the concept of a 'date'. I just sort of hang out with someone and don't really see the need to make things excessively awkward.


I kind of agree. I don't know if I've ever really just hung out with a guy, but it seems like dates always feel really awkward and overly formal to me no matter what the setting. I almost never feel attracted to guys I go on dates with and there's something about it that doesn't feel quite right, almost like it's not real or something. It could be because guys don't normally shown interest in me unless it's online.



AngelRho
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14 Nov 2016, 12:42 am

RushKing wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
RushKing wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
To me, a date doesn't require a "reward" or "exchange."

The other items apply even to same-sex get-togethers.

There's always a reward, whether you're looking for it or not. Spending time in the presence of awesomeness is its own reward. You should always make sure the person you spend time with doesn't regret it. With dating, your girl should be able to say "Well, at least the gift/dinner was nice" if nothing else.

Well then, what does a man get out of a bad date?

Well, I don't really think there is such a thing. Or if you really had a bad date, it might be making poor choices of who you ask out and/or bad planning.

To answer your question, it all depends. One way of looking at is if you get nothing out of it, it's a bad date. My preferred answer is if you have a bad date, at least you get information. Things didn't go so well, so I'm not going out with HER again. Also, I feel like spending time with someone to get to know them better IS the reward. It's not really about what your date can offer you.

Than why am I paying for her time?

Isn't my time valuable?

If you don't want to offer SOMETHING of value to thank a girl for hanging out with you for an hour or so, that's your call to make. People tend to not do things for others if there's nothing in it for them. You get dates (and pretty much anything else in life) by capitalizing on the selfishness of others.

Sure, your time is valuable...to YOU. Is your time worth more to you than the opportunity to make someone else feel important? If so, don't bother dating. If time with the other person is more important than spending time alone, make spending her time with you worth it.

Small gifts, meals, and activities are the easiest way to accomplish that. You aren't strictly limited to things that costs money. I'm just saying if you intend to occupy someone's time, you have to make it worth it.