loving somebody means lying to make them look good

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Please discuss.

I thought there was a subforum for Committed Couples and Marriage issues, but I can't find it anymore. Seems like all searches of husband/wife/marriage topics divert back here into Love and Dating, so here is where there is left to put it.

Does being married mean you have to protect your partner's "reputation" even if it means sacrificing the truth?
Do you have to lie to make your partner look good?
If your partner doesn't look good without you lying about him/her, doesn't that mean there is something intrinsically wrong with his/her character or behavior?
Does "respect" always have to mean turning a blind eye to ugly truths?

And wouldn't just continually saying "not going to talk about it" instead of saying something uncomplimentary (because if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all) just point to there being something wrong that you're not supposed to talk about?

In my initial studies about autism and Asperger's syndrome I came across a chapter (I think it was in Attwood's Guide but I'm not 100% sure) about having Asperger's syndrome means feeling a higher loyalty to the Truth than to friends or family. That when it comes down to having a choice between telling a lie or besmirching the character/reputation of a friend or family member, the default Aspie position is to tell the truth. Honestly I don't generally even consider the fallout when somebody asks me about another person, I just tell the truth. Even really simple things--like "how's your daughter"--my standard answer is "I don't know, I haven't talked to her for two weeks." Because that's the truth, that's what I say, and it doesn't occur to me until later that someone might think bad things about me or my daughter if we don't talk to eachother for two weeks at a time.

She lives with her dad, and she doesn't often call me until it's time for me to come pick her up for weekend visitation. It makes me sad when I think about it, but it's true. So should I make stuff up about her having a great week when people ask me? Should I pretend to be happy two hours after having an unpleasant fight with NTHubby, so people will think we're happy and perfect and never fight?

Does anyone else here get in trouble with loved ones for giving honest answers about people they love in the immediate aftermath of unpleasant things happening? Or am I the only one who hasn't learned how to hide hurt feelings and tell lies to make other people look good even when they've behaved badly quite recently?

Why would you have to sacrifice the truth? It's really very simple. First of all, people make mistakes. If my wife displayed some moral failing, I'd remind whoever that none are perfect and my wife shows great strength and courage in working through whatever it is. Then I'd point out all the good there is in the world because of her. Case closed.

Second, I don't see why it's anybody's business. If you call me out to defend my wife, then I think you're a hater and a gossip. I'm not going to lie about it. But you don't DESERVE the truth, either. I don't care how it "looks." I'm not going to dignify certain questions with a response. It simply isn't deserved.


Nope. She doesn't need my help.

And in all seriousness, no, if there was a problem with my wife, I'm under no obligation to lie for her. But, as I said earlier, neither am I under any obligation to say anything. See above response.


It could mean that, sure. But I'm under the belief that there is something intrinsically wrong with EVER character and behavior. Being unable to focus on a mate's positives speaks more for your poor character than your mate's.


Not at all. But if you have to confront your mate with something, you should always keep it private. I will not gossip about my wife with friends. And I'm certainly not volunteering that kind of information if I'm ever asked. Either focus on the positives or keep silent.


Sure, it COULD. But better that than airing dirty laundry. People are going to draw what conclusions they will. I'm not going to take part in tearing my wife down.


No. But you don't have to dwell on it, either. I'd say something like "Another week and we're still alive, so it can't be TOO bad, right?"

Incidentally, when people ask me how I'm doing, I like to answer, "Better than I deserve!"


Well, is that what this thread is REALLY about? You're having unpleasant fights? If so, why? I don't expect you to answer if you don't want to, but I would focus on what's causing these "unpleasant fights" and address that with my spouse.

I like the image of being the couple that never fights. We don't exactly agree on everything. I won't say we've NEVER raised voices at each other. What we both agreed on early in our marriage was that we'd either BOTH get what we want out of any given situation or we'd just forget about it moving forward. Win/win or no deal. No compromises. Either something benefits us both or we don't need it. So when, say, we have an abundance of cash and I want to buy a new keyboard or virtual instrument, I ask her permission. If she wants to buy more makeup to sell (for her side business), she asks my permission. Most of the time, I'm like, "ok, why is she asking me this?" It comes down to our win/win outlook, and transparency is a great way to build trust and security. And it eliminates conflict.

Getting rid of conflict or avoiding it is one small piece of the overall puzzle, but the main idea is figuring out how to resolve potential conflicts. Get together, agree on some kind of plan, and follow through. We're more of a traditional kind of family in which I'm expected to be the head of the family. So in cases when we're split 50/50 on something we both feel strongly about, my opinion wins by default. Those cases are EXTREMELY rare, though. And by that I mean in over 10 years I've MAYBE pulled the "man card" three times. I recognize this is an unpopular approach these days and won't work for probably most couples. I'm just saying you do better to have SOME final decision-making plan in place. Flip a coin, play strip poker, magic 8-ball, or whatever. Just make sure you're in agreement that you'll go with the plan, else your conflict resolution strategy won't mean much.

Anyway, to answer your question, it's just best you keep other people out of your marriage. Keeping a positive attitude and outlook and focussing on the positives of your mate is always the best public face you can keep.

And, btw, I'm not saying NEVER ask for help or advice if you are struggling. Always reach out. Find someone you trust. Find a couple who seems to really have it together and double-date or share dinners at home or something. Talk it out. Find a marriage counselor if absolutely necessary. Those are private ways of handling things. As far as pretending to be happy 2-hours later, well... Leave your private matters private. Figure out a way to calm down if something bad happens so you can put your best face forward.

Or tell your friend something's wrong. "Well, I was saving that ball of cheese for my mother-in-law, and he ate it. I dunno, I'm a little stressed and just need to think some things out for while. I think I'll be ok. It's just hard to be Miss Sunshine right now. So what are your kids doing this weekend?" You're expressing (in private) that something upset you and you cannot resolve things with your spouse just yet, and honestly things could be much worse. That's not the same as "My spit-for-brains husband is such a b4st4rd. I ordered this ball of cheese for his mother, and you know what he did? He ate it! Said we'd stop by the store and buy another one on the way. He's such an @$$h0l3. I give up. I think we'll be separated in a month at this rate. He's probably cheating on me right now."

I've known a lot of women, incidentally, who habitually belittle their husbands around friends. She made one tiny remark about me and they all started urging her to leave me. I mean seriously put pressure on her to get a divorce. She stopped hanging out with them after a really ugly and dangerous incident involving those "friends." But the point is you have to be careful with what you disclose and to whom.


It happens to everyone, so don't worry. But you don't have to lie about anything. To put it another way, and partly based on personal experience, my wife isn't obligated to make me look good. We ARE obligated to not make each other look bad. Understand the difference? If you approach me about something my wife did that you don't like, you might get me to listen and ask her about it next time I see her. What I will NOT do is complain about her or just go along with what you said. And I'm not going to voluntarily go out and complain about her, either. If something needs to be discussed, we will discuss it in private. I'm not going to publicly discuss my wife in such a way that makes her look bad when I don't really think she's a bad person. If she really had made an embarrassing mistake, I don't feel I have to apologize for her. I'm not going to drag all her failings out in public, and I'm not going to discuss it with other people if they bring it up.

I've been called "uncompromising" countless times because of my level of honesty with people--that bit about feeling more loyalty to the truth than friends or family definitely applies to me. I've always felt that people who truly care about me wouldn't expect me to lie for their sake, either to them or about them to other people. If they expect me to be dishonest for the sake of their reputation, it means they don't really know me at all or they would already know that's not me and I'm a s**t liar. Anyone who expects dishonesty from me as a sign of loyalty isn't friendship material, basically. This applies to family and romantic relationships, too. If you don't want honesty then you don't want to be my friend or my boyfriend, go be with someone who is less honest and better suited to your needs. Lord knows there are enough dishonest people around to choose from, if that's how you roll. That's just how I see it.