Relationships: Why does interest often seem to taper off?

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This is something that's always confused me in my relationships.

Men will make an effort at first to get to know me, flirt with me, and spend time with me. Then once we're in a relationship it slowly tapers off, we talk very little during the day (and are often distracted by games or TV), and don't make time to just enjoy being romantic. Talking doesn't change anything even if they agree that they wished we'd talk more, etc.

It's not like we're married with three kids and tired from working full-time, so this doesn't seem "normal" to me. Although I use that word tentatively.

Is it me or the guys I date? I like to try to make my partner happy, bake them something, or tell them I care even after we've been dating for a while. Making people close to me feel good is good for me, and I want the same so that I can be reassured I'm still cared about and important. Affection is one of the biggest things in a relationship for me.

I don't want to withhold affection and pretend I don't care. That doesn't seem like a healthy way to keep a long-term relationship to me and comes across as rather sly and businesslike. But is it possible men just get bored if you're too willing, or feel like they don't have to make an effort anymore?

If so, how do you solve that without playing games?

Hi Canary,

I feel a kinship with you through the issue your having. Though, for me, it's from the opposite side. I've found it hard to keep the initial burst of momentum in relationships, but I've also come to see it as part of the evolution, and not necessarily a bad thing.

Having said that, I want to emphasize that I think how you've identified your needs and what's good for you in a relationship is incredibly good. The fact that you've been taking steps (talking, trying, doing nice things) is awesome. Take pride in what you've done! Also, yeah, withholding affection for testing purposes is most definitely unhealthy. Good call.

I've found that, in my relationships, the first month or two is where the flame burns brightest -- it's the time of peak romantic interest/exploration. I feel it's inevitable that a relationship will shift after that. It's human nature to become complacent (a.k.a. "bored") with a new normal.

From what you've said, I think the most important thing for you is to see appreciation for your efforts. That's a big part of where affection comes from, right? First of all, men vary wildly in their values/methods/abilities toward/in appreciation/gratitude, whereas you seem to have it down. For your part: if he's not showing gratitude for something, then don't put that specific effort in. For example, if you spend two hours baking him something, and he's *meh* in response, don't bake for him again. It's just 'not his thing.' So, do something else. If he's got gratitude in him (and he should), you'll find the thing that matters to him. Don't waste your time if you're not being appreciated for it.

He *should* be going through the same process for you. Trying to figure out what he can do that *really matters* to you. Not all men have learned that, and fewer still know how to start communicating things like affection and appreciation. I won't sugar coat it... You may have to coach him up. Try to balance your patience with your needs.

I apologize for droning... and preaching... and probably going too far, but I guess what I'm trying to say is:

1) Good job. You're on the right path.
2) Complacency is natural and unavoidable.
3) Focus --> appreciation
4) Doing something nice from the other person's value/viewpoint is best. Trial and error works in finding what to do.
5) Gratitude <-- Gotta have it. If he doesn't have the capacity... well...

Ideally you would find someone who is already at a level that will make you happy -- no tutoring required. I mentioned coaching in part to give preference to your current relationship, but it really sounds like you just aren't happy with the guy you're with.

The way you paint the picture of your single life shows how appealing it is to you. If you seek it, you will find someone with whom a relationship will be as natural as it is with your own friends and family -- a seamless fit. I say that because it's what I've found in the last few months. I've had a long relationship in the past with a woman who wasn't a fit, and who ended up making my life harder and more painful. Now, I've found someone who makes my life better, easier, more fulfilling, etc. I assure you that being in a quality relationship is viable as a long-term option for happiness.

It'll be up to you to decide if someone is worthy of being added into your painting.

Ultimately, just take the actions that march you toward living the life that *you* value -- whatever it may be. Sounds simple, but that's a base concept from which to work with.

This guy... *shakes my head* Seriously, dude?

It does sound like you're taking care of you, and building up such a caring circle of friends has been wonderful. I don't feel like you should be blaming yourself, or using the word "failure" to describe your past efforts. Every experience is an opportunity to learn and do better next time. By spinning it like that, you give purpose to those struggles, and you might feel a little closer to a goal, ya know?

Like: Does dating friends work? Nope. Noted. Do y'all fit into to each others life? Nope. Noted.

Those would be two, but what are some other lessons you've learned in your search? Where have you sought?

To be honest, it was by a brilliant stroke of luck that I ended up with my girlfriend. We found each other on OKCupid as a 94% match. She says she was about to quit searching when I came along. She'd been at it for a couple years :/ I think it really does come down to luck. Dumb, slow, random luck. Like you said, you've got a 1% chance of success!

It sounds like you've been doing what you can, and I'm glad you have such caring friends.

I've done this, when I was younger, I used to be quite indifferent.
Now I'd like to think I've improved, but, it takes a lot of effort.
It's better if couples don't live together, or have separate interests outside of their relationship, so they aren't always in eachothers company.

For men our focus is often some goal and it usually takes up much of our time and energy.
This is probably more so for AS males.
Keep in mind that men can be easily distracted by activities that entice our competitive natures (gaming) or even friends.
And we talk less.
Talking a little less, and being a little less active in the relationship may entice him to become more talkative and curious about you. You could try this as a test, you don't have to withold your self completely, just test out different time periods and levels of conversation.

Young males can be quite unromantic, in general. So that is something to keep in mind.
Sometimes a little jealousy can wake your man up. If you act happy and have flowers, and say you don't know who sent them to you, might be enough to give him the jump start (I know, this is deceptive). You could also act happy and mention that someone said you looked pretty on facebook/instagram etc (it could be true) and this might wake him up, provided he doesn't go full jealous rage and demand to know who said it.

We're no longer dating, so there's not much point responding to this thread. Thank you, though.