Unrequited love sucks; advice?

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So sex and love is a sack of terrible to me, or at least it was until recently. To breakdown a story of misery into a few short sentences: "the thought of intimacy made me sick, the fact that it made me sick made me suicidal, thought I was asexual, met a woman I wanted to sleep with, thought I was aromantic, turns out I love her."

Naturally, she doesn't feel the same way. Which... sucks. Yes, it beats the hell out of the alternative depression and misery because "why don't I want sex?!" nearly killed me but beating the alternative when one is literally death ain't exactly hard.

So after years of thinking otherwise, I found love in someone who doesn't feel the same way. Full blown attraction and romance, not "I want to get in them guts." Just the thought if wrapping an arm around her and giving her a kiss on the forehead after a rough day sounds like magic.

So what the hell do I do? I do not expect her feelings to change. I don't know if I want MY feelings to change; despite the heartbreak, this is a truly exciting feeling. But what do I do now?...

You cannot do much when you already are in a situation of unrequited love, but you can do better next time by not rushing into it, and make sure she has an romantic interest in you before getting a full-blown crush on her.

How, though? Applying logic to what isn't logical in the least doesn't help anyone. You can't control when you have a crush on someone and when you don't.

I think you can. I've had crushes on women and then just let them fade away which usually only takes a week or so of no contact and no obsessive thoughts, and I've had crushes where I have obsessed about them and then the crush has stayed for months, up to three years at the extreme end. I mean, at least for me, it is a decision I can make myself if I want to obsess about a girl or not. I won't obsess unless I get feedback in some form, so I know there is a mutual interest. Because of that, I have never experienced unrequited love.

You do everything in your power to move on. Delete her off facebook, delete her number. Spend a bit of time with friends to get your mind slightly off it.

You can and will move on in time.

Unless there is some unexpected, unforeseen circumstance, you have two options.

1. Live with her not liking you, but not hating you, and not finding you creepy. Maybe you can be friends one day.

2. Make her utterly hate you and think you’re scary and disturbed by stalking her or giving her unwanted attention.

I would go with option 1.

Last edited by hale_bopp on 19 Oct 2017, 7:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You can’t control who you become infatuated with.

For me, each instance is different.

In most cases I can easily shake it off, but there is one time where it really felt that my heart had been ripped apart and shattered into a million pieces. Even though it’s been years, it still hurts very much.

Right, but you can control how long you are infatuated.

It depends on the situation. If you are unable to completely avoid them, it will take longer.

I don't particularly like any of those options. I'd go with 3:

3. If you don't expect to see her the next few months, just letting the crush fade is the best option. If you cannot avoid meeting her again, then associate her with bad emotions, and hate in particular.

The primary ground rules for a crush / infatuation are:

1. If you feed it with positive emotions, especially by obsessing about her, the crush will get stronger

2. If you don't feed it with anything at all, it will fade

3. If you feed it with hate it will desintegrate

4. When you have fed it with too many positive emotions, you will lose control of it completely

5. Never date a crush because dating will fed the crush with positive emotions and potentially take it beyond control, and dating just has too poor expected outcomes to risk a one-sided crush out of control.

Well, if you think hate is emotionally healthy. Look at what it’s done to some of the posters here.Why can’t it be true (not faked) indifference? Surely he’d rather not become a raging woman hater and repel future prospects?

If you hate her, she has the power. If you are politely and truly indifferent, you have the power.

Not always. I can keep a crush alive for three months with absolutely no real feedback from the girl by obsessing about her, but I can also decide to ignore her and the crush will fade in a week. I can also "kill" the crush by hating the girl, and that works regardless if I see her or not. So those are the primary players for me at least.

Hate can be emotionally healthy. Note that there is only a need to hate her as long as you have the crush, and there is no need to hate all the women in the world.



Because that doesn't work, or takes to long, when the crush has moved beyond a certain point. It will end with stalking and other behaviors that will make the girl hate me instead.



I'm not convinced that using hate as a means to get over a crush is related to becoming a raging woman hater. I think it is a huge amount of rejections that creates the raging woman hater, not occasional hate to get over a crush.



I think in a one-sided crush scenario, the other part always has the power. Just having a crush means you are at a disadvantage unless the feelings are mutual. You only get in control of the situation by being able to get over the crush.

You don’t stalk people when you’re indifferent about them. You hardly think of them at all.

I cannot be indifferent to somebody I have a huge crush on. Just not possible.

You can once enough time has lapsed.