Let me have a go at answering this. Although I am talking about a close male friend not a partner. However I do things to adapt to his needs, as much as I think he does to mine.
I never initiate physical contact. Sometimes he will want a hug when we first meet. Other times it may take a while before he asks me for a hug
I understand his need for plans and timings to be fairly rigid. If I do,suggest a change it is always with plenty of time to spare, and always reiterate that it is not a problem if he doesn't want to alter (he will usually ask to have time to think about it)
I try not to ask him to quantify his feelings for me - this has led to many problems in the past with him feeling cornered. I do however tell him if he is being irritable,with me, and point out that I don't think it is my fault ( he will usually admit to being tired or stressed about something)
I accept that he finds it very difficult to manage intense emotions. He will avoid discussing situations that are happening in my life, but will show he cares but texting more regularly, asking me if I'm ok a lot, and suggesting nice things that might cheer me up.
I no longer buy clothes as gifts . . .. his clothes are very particular to him.
I enjoy his special interests, and will do research around subjects to show him my interest. He used to constantly ask me if I was bored when he was taking me on a trip regarding a special interest, but think he finally believes I really enjoy these times.
I try to understand his need to withdraw sometimes. And him not wanting to,discuss things that have upset him (if I'm honest I do struggle a bit with this)
I will protect him always if I think someone is not being kind ( and he is not picking up on it)
I no longer notice his blunt language use. I used to think when I suggested a date and he said "yes should be okay" as a sign he wasn't really interested. I now know it is just an entirely truthful answer.
I am always ready to step in if he gets slightly overwhelmed in restaurants or supermarkets with sorting or arranging things or paying.
I don't take it personally when he has forgotten them things I have told him.
Just a few areas I try to understand . He equally does as much to understand and accommodate me and my over emotional irrational responses. The fact that we both keep,trying is testament to a great friendship.
13 Jan 2017, 7:51 pm
