Hi there guys,
I'd really appreciate some advice. To give some background, I was diagnosed with Aspergers last year. My boyfriend was and is, highly unimpressed by this, and responded 'it was bad enough that you're a Vegan, and now I find out you've got Aspergers'. Things got worse over the year... medical appointments flagged up possible cardiac and autoimmune issues, I was feeling quite unwell for much of the year, and working 60 hrs a week trying to finish a thesis whilst working. Suffice to say, he did not appreciate the combination of obsessive fixation on illness and nutrition and Aspergers, combined with workaholicism. He's complained he's thinking about breaking up, because he's tired, doesn't want to be my nurse, sick of the obsessions, and wants to just have fun dating.
I'm doing my best. I've promised I won't mention Aspergers to him. Or anything to do with my health and I'm trying to plan fun activities at the wknd and have more of a social life so as to be more interesting and a more rounded character. But there is a MASSIVE problem which has appeared to me since I finished my thesis.
I always thought that after submitting my thesis he and I could start spending proper time together, i.e more than one day on the wknd and 2/3 hours together during the week. He tends to come over once a week, at 10:15pm, when my bedtime is either 10:30 or 11. This isn't spending quality time together. I feel like he's never here, despite living 15 minutes walk away from me and it's always been like this. We only eat together once a week. The rest of the time, I live and cook and eat alone and I hate this. I don't understand why he can't come over earlier and just meet for dinner. We've talked about him moving into my apartment but he won't do it, complains it's too small and insists he must buy a bigger house and then I can go live with him. He won't compromise.
We have argued so, so, so many times about me feeling like I barely see him but he doesn't change his routine. I think the real issue, is that he is 38 years old and extremely dependant on his dad, who he lives with. He won't eat dinner with me because every day after work he goes home to eat dinner with his dad. The other week, I left something at his dad's house during the day, and found out my boyfriend was also going home from work to eat lunch with his dad sometimes. I feel like this attachment to his dad is a big reason why he won't live with me too - I recently threatened to break up with him, and within a week he found an apartment to rent for us. One street away from his dad, didn't consult me or show it to me, but took his dad to view it instead. Suffice to say we came the closest to breaking up we ever had.
I have repeatedly told him he's in a co-dependant relationship with his dad, and he accepts this, but he doesn't want to change it. I don't know what to do, either break up with him, which I can't bring myself to do, or refuse to see him unless it's for mealtimes. Today I had minor surgery for my heart, spent the entire day in hospital then got the bus home by myself. I was the only person who had nobody to take them home, and I was just furious at my boyfriend for not even offering to collect me.
Ok, so the purpose of this rant is to ask some opinions. It is really, really hard for me to understand this weird relationship with his dad, because my mum died when I was young and I barely knew my dad, so I have lived extremely independantly, so this, to me, is just extreme.
The reason I'm bringing this up on an Aspergers forum, is because I suspect part of this may be because, my boyfriend may have Aspergers too. I've suspected it for a long time. His symptoms are very different to mine. His OCD involves everything needing to be in its place. I cannot even leave a hairclip at his house because it doesn't belong there, and he's terrified of moving in with someone and his CD collection going out of order. My OCD is purely obsession based and often my possessions are in chaos. My sensory issues are with sound, sight and smell. His are textures, no oils or creams, no squishy foods. I'm a word and language geek, he's an engineer who thinks in maths.
When I first met him my first thought was, my gosh, this guy is completely oblivious to social conventions around dress and appearance etc. I've helped him so much with his appearance, while he helps me so much at getting out and being sociable and breaking away from my obsessions. When I got my Aspergers diagnosis, the psychologist met my boyfriend and later asked me if my boyfriend might have it too. Except, unlike me, my boyfriend is a very happy, balanced human being who has no complaints about mood or socialising. So he feels no need to question whether he might have Aspergers or not and is opposed to getting labelled.
I increasingly feel though that the issues in our relationship are because he may have Aspergers. I think he's afraid to move in, lose his safe space, have his belongings go into disorder... be away from the familiarity of his dad and home and routine... he's afraid if we move in together I will demand constant attention and he'll lose the ability to enjoy quiet solitude after work. I keep telling him to call me before 10, not at midnight when I have to be up at 6, but that's his routine, it always has been, and one of the first things that attracted me to him was his conformity to a routine when contacting me and his comfortingly predictable I found it.
I don't know what to do. Can I change him? God knows I'm trying to change myself... I just want to spend more time with him, eat with him a couple of nights a week for crying out loud and break this weird dependance on his dad. Is there any way to do this?
Sorry to continue ranting, but I'm at a point where I'm starting to hate both him and his dad, and I hate that. But the apartment my boyfriend wanted to rent was an offer from his dad, who offered to pay the rent on it. He made that offer the week after my boyfriend and I got back from a very happy holiday together, and his dad has always been very kind to me. I find it really hard to know if my boyfriend's dad is manipulating him with stories of ill health, or if its the other way round, that my boyfriends dad actually wants him to grow up and be happy with a girlfriend but my boyfriend wont detach. What on earth am I supposed to do????? LOL.
I would appreciate any advice and sorry for the massive post.
18 Jan 2017, 6:26 pm
