BF is "friends" with former affair partner

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Just looking to get opinions and advice if possible.

I'm NT and my long distance ASD boyfriend is friends with a married former affair partner. They're very close (although live in different countries). They also share a common interest. He thinks this makes things ok. The woman's husband does not know they're still in touch.

I found all this out by accident. I knew he was friends with this woman but not about the affair and how often they texted, until I started noticing that they would text all afternoon. It's mostly general chit chat but he's complained about me a few times to her, which is very hurtful. It's the emotional closeness which hurts the most, I get the impression that he trusts her more than me (despite being strung along for years by her, being told she was getting divorced, until the s**t hit the fan and she chose her husband over him. She also broke up his previous relationship before me). Our relationship is suffering because of all this, it can't grow while he's still attached to this woman. We've had so many discussions/arguments about it. Last time he told me that if I'm unhappy maybe we should break up. I told him I don't want to break up. I'm so frustrated - I don't know anyone who would put up with this s**t. Some people I spoke to about it said they think she has NPD or some kind of personality disorder. Any other person would back the hell off if they were coming between a couple.

I texted the woman when I discovered the truth about their history and she told me all this hurtful stuff about them saying I love you at the airport the day he was flying out to visit me for the first time - wtf. She also PMd me on FB changing her story and wanting to know why my boyfriend wasn't speaking to her - he disappeared on her for over a week after she sent those texts. I didn't reply to her but I'm so sad and angry. I love my boyfriend and do so much for him but he just doesn't see that this is wrong and she's so selfish trying to come between us. She seems intent on causing trouble.

My boyfriend seems puzzled as to why I'm so upset. He says he knows it's a weird situation but they're just friends, and he has no intentions of getting involved with her again. He says he's not texting her as much but it still seems like a lot - I wish he would have no contact or even minimal contact. He should be speaking to me about things, I'm his girlfriend. And he's friends with another ex and other women but I have no problem with that - it's just this one hanging on with her claws. I'm on anxiety medication and we're in counselling. I'm not sure how much more I can take. I just can't get through to him.

I'd be especially interested in hearing other people with Aspergers thoughts on this.

Thanks,

MG

I'll just preface this by saying I don't understand these long distance relationships where people only get together like once a year and Skype every day. I personally cannot understand how you can really, truly get to really know another person that way. To me, it's like you're only meeting their representative. You're not seeing them day to day, and those days when they're sick, depressed, irritated, so you can see how they actually act under the stresses of real life.

Okay so that being said... this is really up to you. This guy had a life before you, and so he had an affair with this woman, and now it's over and they're friends who text a lot.

Bringing her into this is not at all appropriate of you. If this is your boyfriend, you talk to HIM about it. It's catty and silly to go fighting with the other woman when it's YOUR BOYFRIEND who is choosing to text her. You be an adult, talk to him and tell him what you think, that you're hurt and you want him to stop. If he chooses not to, that's his decision. He's also an adult, and you don't get to tell other adults how to behave, you can only tell him how his behavior affects you and let him decide whether or not to do anything about it.

I would haaaate that so much. Like fair enough he has a past but thats not the issue, complaining about you to her must be so upsetting. Like complain to your friends, siblings, strangers or parents about me but not someone you used to f**k. I think you just have to be really blunt to him and the woman if she contacts you. Just tell her she has no place in your relationship and she needs to find better ways to spend her time

Your boyfriend needs to realize that maintaining this type of intimate contact with this woman is not compatible with being in a committed relationship with you. He needs to place himself in your shoes and think how he'd feel if you had a similar relationship with a former lover.

I think an objective outsider looking at this situation would seriously wonder if this woman is his "backup plan" if things go sour with you. Also this type of behavior is not typical of people with ASD, who tend to be quite loyal to their mates.

Thanks guys.

I only contacted the Other Woman to catch her unawares and gauge her reaction. She freaked, saying she'd need to think of a reply and that he should have warned her! Interesting... I have no desire to talk to her again. She's a shit-stirring b***h. If only he would see it that way though.

I'm trying to do the "put yourself in my shoes" thing. I have said to my bf how would he feel if I were talking to my ex (similar situation, I was very stupid)? He said he wouldn't like it because he lives locally and we have no common interests anyway. So, he seems to justify it with the fact that they have a common interest and live 1000s of miles away from each other. But it's not about distance, she could live on the moon - it's the emotional connection they have that worries me. He confides in her and she knows all my business.

Exactly - he said that I probably tell my friends stuff about him. I said yes, but I didn't f**k any of them!! There is a difference, there should be boundaries. The whole situation is crazy. I've googled "Should I stay friends with my affair partner?" and the resounding answer is NO. Although mostly it's seen through the eyes of the betrayed spouse, rather than a new partner. He says he has hardly any friends and he can talk to her. Surely he can make new friends? And he does have some friends, decent people, I've met them. We've been together 2 years and I only found out about this, although she's always been lurking in the background (on his phone).

I did actually mention that it's like he has one foot out of the relationship already and he said that he'd been thinking about that and he's not keeping her on the backburner. He said even if her husband died he wouldn't be interested. Also he said she's too old. Although she wasn't too old 3 years ago! And she looks young for her age! Interesting that you say this isn't typical ASD behaviour, I think he's loyal to her, not me

I have one thing to add to this, and it will make sense, whether he is a Neurotipical, or an Aspie. No one can be "Stolen" unless they allow themselves to be, and in that case, they chose to simply walk away. If they do this, they weren't worth having in the first place. If someone really loves you, no woman will be able to "take" them from you. If you are not secure in that, your relationship already has more issues.