Asked a girl to Starbucks, told she was married

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Markinis, there is nothing wrong with speaking to strangers.

It isn't illegal or morally wrong. It can rarely even be classed as 'rude' in the loosest sense of the word.

The world is a horrible place but the vast majority of people don't give a damn about you.

The good thing about this is most people have no interest in intentionally setting out to get you or harm you, and those that are aren't worth your time.

The worst 95% of people would ever do is be rude towards you, and if they are end it there and don't keep things going because then it just may make them angry enough to fight, which is also very unlikely.

Seriously, the chances of someone initiating a fight in a public space where many other people are and the police could be just around the corner is very, very low. It's nothing about bravery, they are just smart and aren't going to fight because it would be a stupid thing to do.

Young men are most likely of all to try and start a fight, those in the 16-24 range, so you're already out of that stage and most people your age you speak to wouldn't bother trying to fight unless you made them particularly mad or in self-defense.

Many, many people will find it awkward or annoying at first, but very few people will feel actual aggression towards a stranger initiating conversation unless you make them uncomfortable or provoke them, whether you mean to or not.

Also, never interrupt someone when they're doing something. That is very rude and likely will make them feel extremely annoyed or slightly agitated.

Sometimes talking to strangers is necessary, such as when you need to ask for help with something.

There are signs you must look out for to see if a person is interested in continuing a conversation or not.

If a person makes very little/no eye contact, speaks in brief sentences, has an apathetic tone to their voice (sounds bored or tired), and has closed body language (crossed arms, etc.) then you should stop speaking to them immediately.

On the other hand, if a person makes direct eye contact with you, speaks with a bit more passion in their voice, etc. they are probably interested in some small talk, but don't be surprised if someone who appears to be okay with talking to you still has their arms closed, speaks in short sentences, etc.

This means they probably feel neutral towards you. If a stranger continues conversation in a calm voice and doesn't show any signs they are uncomfortable or agitated, they are simply being polite but this isn't a bad thing. It means at the very least they are okay with a short conversation and a bit of small talk but once you both run out of things to say will stop talking to you and expect you feel the same.

That's the first stage you hope to achieve - neutral conversation and small talk.

Stage 2 is positive conversation, which is usually ignited by a shared interest. Once a shared interest is discovered, it is very likely both of you will become more passionate in the conversation as you both have a lot to say on the subject and have found a kindred spirit in interests. This is known as medium talk.

Stage 3 is rare but achievable, and that is escalation and establishing a connection. It is the stage where, after a passionate conversation, you actually suggest the two individuals establish a connection beyond two strangers speaking. This is obviously the 'asking for phone number/facebook/contact details' stage.

There are a lot of factors that will influence your success rate here.

How much the other person likes you, your age, theirs, your gender, theirs, what kind of impression you gave, etc. how you ask them, how good the conversation went, and how interested they are in possibly connecting with you further. Asking for contact details heavily implies you are interested in building a further connection, and someone who says yes and gives you their details normally implies they are too, but it is not a guarantee.

Many women will give a man's phone number just to get him to leave her alone, but usually this is because he made her feel very annoyed or uncomfortable, and you should be able to recognize this before she gives you the number.

Even if you did get the number for this reason, and realize this, just politely say it was nice meeting her, leave her alone from that point on, and don't contact her.

Now, the key here is you need to learn massive amounts of awareness, of who you are, who you're speaking to, what situation you're trying to initiate conversation in, what you're saying, and how things are going.

Of course, since you have Aspergers Syndrome it's gonna be more difficult for you to have this awareness, but it isn't impossible and anyone who actually discourages someone to not improve their social skills is a complete fool since that's what the disability is in the first place.

DON'T start with women your age, start with strangers in general.

Talk to elderly people, non-threatening looking ones. Plenty of elderly people suffer from isolation and a polite young person asking them how their day's been and showing genuine interest in what they say is the opposite of hostility, it is kindness.

Also, if you haven't already noticed, elderly people tend to be on average more welcoming to polite conversation from a stranger as long as you don't interrupt them when they're busy.

I've seen many young males and females say elderly people are the one's most often to say hello to them or things like 'lovely day, isn't it?' and other such things to them.

Well, why not be the one who makes the first move this time? That elderly man who says "Good day to you" sometimes to people he walks past probably is the initiator 99% of the time, if anything someone saying it to him first may very well catch him off-guard because he'd very rarely/never expect it.

Speak to people only at daytime, if at night it is only appropriate in a bar or nightclub or a few other very limited settings that I won't bother talking about because there's so few.

It is better to speak to someone with one or two friends with them than someone alone or with a large group.

Don't try and talk to people when drunk.

If alcohol 'helps your confidence' (which I largely believe is a myth, and there's plenty of articles out there to say it's a placebo) then only get 'buzzed'. Only a few drinks maximum. If you want to get drunker that night, buy some alcohol beforehand and get more drunk at home.

Bad locations to try and speak to strangers:

1. The gym
2. Grocery stores
3. In downtown streets
4. Shopping malls
5. On public transportation
6. At night

Decent locations to try and initiate conversation, or people to initiate conversation with:

1. Public 'spaces'
2. Events where a common interest is shared
3. Meetup groups
4. University common rooms
5. Bookstores
6. Very small retail stores.
7. Classmates sitting near you.
8. At work, so long as you don't slack or distract the other person.
9. Residential home neighbors.

Always have awareness, be polite, be cautious, know when to quit, and good luck.

I think that Outrider just believes he got nothing to lose when it comes to asking out strangers.

Asking out strangers is not exactly terrible but you got to not rush into it that's the thing. Often talking to strangers say when you are at the swimming pools can be good thing and provided you enjoy each other's company that can in turn lead to something else. This is of course provided that each of the participants are comfortable.

Thanks man.

I appreciate the civil comment.

Of course I expect people to disagree with me, but what I don't appreciate is people calling me a 'creep' simply because they disagree with me and say I deserve 'hostility'.

I'm sure you would agree those are two rude things to say to someone but you don't have to talk about that and I don't want you to because I wouldn't want you to get involved and would respect and admire that you stay neutral.

I agree with what you say.

Which is why I think approaching random women should only be done as a last resort - approaching random women in appropriate, socially acceptable situations that are very unlikely to make her feel uncomfortable or threatened, and respecting her wishes immediately when she rejects you.

When you do things this way, it's unlikely you'll get reported to the police or bashed. Plenty of women do say that a man approaching her the most respectful way does not make her angry or uncomfortable even if she's not interested in him, and say they'll politely reject him and have no problem if he approached her as long as he respected her wishes and left her alone after she rejected him.

Of course approaching women at night or in alleyways or stuff like that is morally wrong and I am entirely against it.

There are multiple ways to meet women and potentially get a girlfriend such as meeting women at mutual interest groups or asking family or friends if they know anyone to set you up with, along with many other methods.

I believe all of these methods should be done first, and if after several years they don't work, then it's about time you start approaching stranger women in appropriate and respectful ways to increase your chances.

Statistically, 'cold approaching' women has a very low success rate, like 1% (one is better than none), and if you ask the vast majority of adults in your family how they met each other, most would not say they met their partner this way.

But it works...sometimes.

My own parents met this way - they were both teens and Dad approached her. He basically called out to her "Hey, you, come over here!", there was a mutual attraction, they chatted, exchanged numbers. A few weeks later they were dating. Months later I was conceived.

It does work better if you're a teen, but if you're a young adult it's also not that bad.

Some people here seem to think I support pick-up artists - I don't.

I dislike pick-up artists, I find them to be very misogynistic.

There is a difference between PUA and approaching women.

PUA is just one of many different methods to approach and try and talk to random women. It's actually the second worst, the worst being actual sexual assault/harassment/rape.

I mostly disagree that talking to the opposite sex your age at pools and the beach is a good idea, but it did happen to me a few weeks ago when a too-young teen girl I obviously wasn't interested in showed interest in me (I caught them looking, her friend said hello for her, the one actually interested in me kept staring in a clearly flirty/"I'm interested in you" way and was nervously giggling).

I think it's a bad idea because I don't see many people talk to strangers at the beach/pool, and the thing is if a teen boy or young man tries talking to a girl or woman his age, she'll...well, she'll probably be wearing a bikini or other revealing swimwear, and this would give her the idea that a big reason he's talking to her is because he's sexually attracted to her body, which is true even if a man tries getting a woman's phone number anywhere else, but it's different at the beach when much of her body is exposed and visible for the man to see.

Do you see what I mean?

I see it as, yes, 'creepy'. But think there are plenty of situations trying to talk to a woman you're interested in (or the opposite) is much more okay to do as long as you know how to handle things (politeness, knowing when to quit, etc.)

Though sometimes the beach and pool can work. If you have a very fit and attractive body, the fact you're showing more skin could impress a person who's already attracted to you and checking you out.

I wouldn't call it lying.

Some people just like attention even if they are spoken for and when it gets too real or they are bored of it or figure the other person is unattractive in some way then they start dropping the hubby bomb. The fantasy of upgrades for males and females is unfortunately all too commonplace in a society that values image and representation over values and loyalty.

A single guy proactively looking for female company is a single guy doing his thing.
Cognitive dissonance on both peoples' parts IMO if the guy is single trying to get a date by being a "friend", and the girl is taken, likes the attention and "thinks" they are going to just be friendly to them.