Partner Criticism please help

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Hi guys!
I need help I am engaged and my fiance and i are at the end of our tether at the moment. His a NT and his philosophy is making each other the best us we can be. This means he gives criticism about things he thinks I can improve on (driving posture etc). However I am hypersensitive to criticism and it sends me into massive meltdown mode. I know he means well but it makes me feel depressed and worthless and ruins my self esteem. I feel like his attacking me for the sake of it when it's about something as obsolete as how I drive. We can't seem to win. I am a very good mimic so sometimes I think he forgets my aspies
Does anyone have advice that could help?

I think the one thing you need to ask yourself is do you want to stay with someone who constantly makes you feel so worthless? I personally feel it is a bad trade-off ( fear of being alone vs having someone attacking your self esteem)

He sees it as a way of making me a better person and expects I critique him if it can make him a better person. He thinks I'm unreasonable because of my aspies with how I react. Our relationship Is 90% of the time amazing it's just stuff like this

I don't really know what to say. I personally don't appreciate criticism unless I've asked for it or unless it's a life or death matter or really affects the other person. And I usually choose not to criticize my partner for the same reason - in the end it doesn't matter and just causes stress and anxiety.

If this were me, I'd nicely but firmly tell him to knock it off. My driving posture doesn't affect him in any way so shut it.

Check with your friends and make sure they agree this is normal. It might not be.

If it is, then is sounds like a matter of timing. Unless you're doing something while driving that is putting lives at risk, it's probably better than sending you into a meltdown while driving. Maybe that example will get him to understand about information processing issues.

Sometimes, people use the concept of "self-improvement" as a way to exert power. I feel like this man is doing this in this instance.

I would tell him to lighten up. As long as you can see the road when you're driving, and can react to anything that happens, who cares what your "posture" is while you're driving?

In other aspects, tell him that his advice is appreciated--but that you are a grownup, and would rather he show respect, rather than talk down to you. By acknowledging that he has faults, too, and that you are both "working at improvement," rather than just you.

It's not a bad situation IF this relational scheme is something you both agree to. If you can't get on board with what he wants, or if he can respect your boundaries, things will not go well for you. I understand that your relationship is mostly ok, but things like this have a tendency to balloon if you don't stomp a mudhole in it early on.

In my relationship, we went through several stages of this kind of thing that in some ways hurt us and in other ways helped us. We seemed to spend more time apart than together for a long time. When you both need intimacy and you live apart, it's hard to not cheat. So we accepted to an extent that there would be other people.

When we got engaged, we put all that behind us and focused on our future life together as totally exclusive and agreed there was no turning back. We knew what the other person was like and accepted that.

I admit I tend to be possessive. But this is something that only comes out when I perceive the integrity of our relationship is threatened. If friends encourage destructive, immoral behavior, we avoid them. If another man or woman tries to get between us, we avoid isolating situations, or we insist on meeting someone together. I reserve the right to say no or tell her not to do something or see someone. It's a two-way street, and we work out differences calmly regardless how strongly we feel.

We make it work, and this was understood from the beginning. Obviously this arrangement doesn't work for everyone, mostly I think because a) how frequently men have been abusive in patriarchal roles and b) corporate solidarity isn't valued or taught in our society. Given the ease and convenience of NFD-ID, why should it? Weddings are just big social gatherings where couples say some sweet words, kiss, and go off on a vacation together. They don't mean anything because all the promises will be forgotten within months when they figure out living together is hard.

We made up our minds this would not happen to us.

And that's why we both will take a stand on certain things. She has granted me certain power and authority. I have to live understanding she could take it all back at any time, so making unilateral decisions that affect her MUST be a rarity--and I have to weigh whether I believe in my cause strongly enough I'm willing to endure whatever blowback she chooses to inflict on me.

Your SO and I sound alike in some ways. What he's doing is not necessarily "wrong," it's just not something you are completely on board with. If you can't live with that--and PLEASE be honest with yourself here--you should consider ending the relationship NOW. Don't waste your time.

As for as your specific issue goes with criticism--as a musician and teacher, it's my JOB to be super critical because I demand excellence in the classroom and in performance. My students are AWARE of what I'm doing, so they comply. But I also make a point of praising kids and celebrating their successes.

All people just want to feel important. Everyone. It is natural for people who endure negative criticism to seek rewards elsewhere. Your fiancé needs to understand that he can get you to improve yourself the more he encourages and builds you up. Your fiancé feels important when he bosses you around and gets results. He also feels important when working with someone helps improve himself.

Therefore, this is what you will do:

Show him you care for him and that he is important to you be teaching him and helping him understand that the way he treats you is troublesome. Help him find ways of improving you that don't result in so much stress. When he understands better and more appropriate ways of helping you without outright criticizing, he will be positively motivated when he begins to see results AND it will make him a better person also. If you do your job right, you won't even know he's the same person.

If you are unwilling or unable to fix this, understand it is OK to break up with him. There is really nothing wrong you the way you are, if we are being honest with ourselves. So if you find changing for him to be too much for you, don't be ashamed of that. I once almost married a girl who was ALWAYS trying to change me. No matter what I did, it either wasn't what she wanted or it wasn't good enough. I truly loved her. Neither one of us wanted to split. But ultimately I realized I couldn't be that for her, so I walked. And in case you're wondering, that's partly what led to this "my way or the highway" attitude that I have! It's not a failure of yours the way you are. I hope you see that. And despite my "tough talk," I have to say my wife and I never had to change for each other.

Best wishes. Keep us posted on how you're doing!

I know this is kind of an obvious one but could you explain to him tat there is a difference between creative criticism and being overly critical.

If you haven't mentioned it then there might be a chance he doesn't even realise he is doing it. Just say to him in the future "while I appreciate what you are trying to do I am happy with how I do this and you are going to have to accept that."

My partner once critised my apparent 'overuse' of the handbrake. I promptly explained to him how I do that so that if someone hits me from behind I don't go into traffic. Then reminded him that since he hasn't learnt to drive he didn't have the right to tell me how to drive

Also no body drives with "good driving posture" your boy needs to chill out and prioritise. On the bright side if he can only find small things to pick at then you must be pretty perfect hahaha

driving posture? I'd think making each other the best you can be would involve focusing on more important things like how you and him get along, working on maintaining a more positive attitude vs. a very negative one and encouraging personal growth and growth with in the relationship. Some how criticizing someones posture when they drive and little nit-picky things like that just sounds like nagging....not trying to help you become the best you.

I'd be very annoyed if my boyfriend critiqued stuff like that all the time, does he ever encourage you or compliment you on things in addition to the criticism? I mean I guess I would say you might have to talk to him about reducing his criticisms...tell him it feels like he's nagging you all the time and it bothers you or something to that effect.

Some what similar instance happened to me this morning,except I was being critiqued on how to hang up a dress shirt properly...Not shutting a door etc... and all before a Good morning was said. My partner critiques me a lot. He is however undiagnosed Aspie so I knew he was reflecting about something else and been agitated the night before with little sleep.
Anyway that's no excuse for harsh behavior and criticism. I always address it when he does it. I'm hypersensitivity as well to a point I am thinking that he hates me, when that's far from the case at all. It's him just reflecting from something else entirely.
Anyway, we all can assume why he acts towards you in that matter and nevertheless it hurts your feelings. Address the issue to him and be assertive about how you feel and that you won't put up with it.