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coryparry
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30 Jan 2017, 3:15 pm

Never posted on here before but I'm really struggling to find help at the moment. I have Aspergers by the way.

I've been in a relationship for about 3 months now, at first we didn't stop texting and talking and he gave me constant reassurance. We would phone every night as he didn't live in the same country as me, but he would visit me all the time.

He started to stop with the texting all the time stuff and talking on the phone all the time, but I just can't seem to adjust to the change of habit, it is really putting our relationship into melt down. He has said that I am to obsessive and am constantly 'to in love with him'.
I have done this in previous relationships and it has all ended the same way with the same problem.
Its like I fall in love to fast, very fast even.

I am just wondering if this is normal? I don't know anyone else on the spectrum to talk to about this.
Is it a common thing with people with autism or is it just me?
Its really getting me down and I just need some reassurance.



nick007
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30 Jan 2017, 7:11 pm

I had those problems with both my exes. Some of it was an OCD thing with me cuz I started a med for OCD after the 2nd relationship ended & I didn't have those problems too much in my current relationship. She's kinda needy too thou so that helps some. I'm not saying it is OCD with you but it's something to consider if you have other problems with OCD like I did.

Another thing to consider is that sometimes with us Aspies is our partner becomes our special interest & that's some of it with me too. Perhaps it would help to try & focus on other interests that you have or used to have.


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Pizzapastacoke
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31 Jan 2017, 12:00 am

coryparry wrote:
Never posted on here before but I'm really struggling to find help at the moment. I have Aspergers by the way.

I've been in a relationship for about 3 months now, at first we didn't stop texting and talking and he gave me constant reassurance. We would phone every night as he didn't live in the same country as me, but he would visit me all the time.

He started to stop with the texting all the time stuff and talking on the phone all the time, but I just can't seem to adjust to the change of habit, it is really putting our relationship into melt down. He has said that I am to obsessive and am constantly 'to in love with him'.
I have done this in previous relationships and it has all ended the same way with the same problem.
Its like I fall in love to fast, very fast even.

I am just wondering if this is normal? I don't know anyone else on the spectrum to talk to about this.
Is it a common thing with people with autism or is it just me?
Its really getting me down and I just need some reassurance.


I'm currently dealing with this kind of insecurity right now. The only difference is, I'm the NT while my SO is the Aspie.

We need to help ourselves. We need to be confident and provide our own reassurance. Believe him when he expresses emotions for you. Doubt and insecurity are the enemies. I don't think there is anything wrong with falling in love fast and hard so don't feel bad about that. I think that your partner is lucky that he has someone who loves him intensely. It's never good to fixate on other people though. It's quite unhealthy. May I suggest doing things to distract yourself? Or do things that you enjoy without him?



dossa
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31 Jan 2017, 11:52 am

I have the tendency to get obsessed with people. I actually married two of the people I was obsessed with... my current husband and I have been married since 2002, so it's clearly not a problem for him. Not to say I have obsessed over everyone I have been involved with, quite the opposite, really. I tend to be very emotionally detached in my relationships with others (seriously, my ashtray is capable of more emotions than I seem to be). Becoming obsessed is kinda like my way of loving another human being. I'm inclined to agree with Nick... I never have figured out if my people things are OCD or special interests... but I think it is common enough for us spectrumy folks to have people as special interests... be they musicians, historical figures, or whatever. Just now and then some of us have our people interests as actual people in our day to day lives. Not sure if you are a routine based person or not, but I am, and it would further complicate things for me if I got into the habit of, for example, emailing a person five times a day and then having them suddenly want me to only email once every other day. That would seriously shake my lil world up.

Yeah, what you have going on makes sense to me. I understand as much as I am able from my point of view. I wonder, if he is thinking you text and talk too much, what does he say is a reasonable amount of texts and calls? Did he give you an idea of that? I would do best in that kinda situation if someone were to set out clear 'rules' about what is and is not in their comfort level. From there I would want to slowly adjust the communication and eventually meet somewhere in the middle... if I went from all to nothing, that would disturb me. And I would hope anyone I was with would appreciate my efforts to accommodate them and I would expect them to return the favor by accommodating me as I slowly got there. Compromise, you know.


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Mr_Miner
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31 Jan 2017, 1:34 pm

I have done the same thing. I meet someone and I put the cart before the horse as the expression goes. I guess I really want to have a relationship and I don't get a lot of romantic attention. So when I do I can make a lot more time to talk than the other person.

Eventually you start to really know your partner and this is when they begin to annoy you. When you first meet someone they are great with no faults right? At 3 months the new love feeling might be wearing off. That's when you see if it's a real relationship and in those no one is perfect. Maybe you are coming on too strong but to me it also sounds like this person is getting tired of you. As harsh as that sounds :(

Respect his boundaries but also remember your feelings are worth it. And if he can't make some time for them that's a bad. How can you be "too in love"?. Personally I would want my partner to be in love with me. Maybe if he has some space he will remember how much he cares for you.



idonthaveanickname
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31 Jan 2017, 2:13 pm

I have the same problem, being obsessed with a boyfriend. Once I meet a guy and get feelings for him, I want to know everything about him. I would look up his name on Google and find out all I can. This one guy I was dating, I looked him up and found a mug shot of him. That should have been a red flag right there, but I continued to be with him anyway. I didn't think much of it at the time. Now he's the father of my second child. With another boyfriend I had, who I lived with, I would always worry about when he was going to come home from work or hanging out with friends or whatever. I kept calling him on the phone and would even go outside, walk down the driveway and into the street to see if he was coming. It annoyed the hell out of him and I didn't think it was that big of a deal, until I learned that it's a trait of Asperger's and I think also of Borderline Personality Disorder, both of which I have. But I think with BPD, it's more of a problem with abandonment issues. That's probably what I was feeling, abandoned. So yes, I believe it's common for Aspies to become obsessed with a boyfriend or girlfriend. You're not the only one.



Britte
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03 Feb 2017, 6:59 am

I have AS, as well, and I think we might be quite similar in terms of the way we express our emotions. I think it is entirely possible that your boyfriend would still appreciate receiving your expressions of love, but, might simply prefer it in smaller, less-frequent doses. I had learned this to be true of a friend, and it was something I had the ability to do, as I had quite a strong desire to please him. He may find it quite pleasurable, which could have a lasting, positive impact on other aspects of your relationship. And, there is the possibility, that you and your boyfriend process emotions in entirely different ways.

From my perspective, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you or the extent to which you experience love. it may simply be that you need to connect with others, who are more in keeping with the way you express yourself and feel emotions. And, such people do exist. I wonder if you, easily absorb others perceptions of you. This is a trait I possess. If someone tells me something about myself, I might accept it as fact, after pondering and finding it somewhat reasonable. Perhaps this is what has occured with regard to your belief that you fall in love to fast, or you obsess to much, as these are the thoughts that your boyfriend has expressed to you, or caused you to contemplate. ~All the best to you