Narcissist or Aspergers? Honest opinions gratefully received

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I am in a quandary, there are so many articles saying what the difference between Narcissists and Aspergers is, but I do not see a clear distinction?? I am a diagnosed Aspie, I met a man 3 years ago who was charming, outrageous and captivating!

Within the first week, I had an ex-partner of his contact me to say he was a sociopath, I took this to be a hurt bitter woman. Over the next few years I learned, he had no friends, he was vicious when angry, he was so like me, he went and got himself diagnosed as Aspergers too! I thought that this was amazing, a man like me... but he is not like me.

He had an affair that lasted almost a year and it only came out because the other woman found out. I sat down and talked with her and she noted that all she had come to know and love about him seemed to her, to just be a copy of what she was seeing watching me for the first time, she felt he was a narcissist! Obviously, because he clearly and publicly declared it was all the worst mistake of his life, that he had used her because he felt alone because of my aspie traits, and that I was the love of his life, I forgave and moved forward with him.

He has allowed me to shoulder all the financial responsibilities even though he moved in with me (he has never worked in all the time I have known him, he is/was trying to be a writer). He has ended our relationship several times, shouting horrible things at me and walking away, only to resurface later telling me how it was all my fault, but I was amazing and he loved me, so we had to make it work.

He says he is naive over and over, but he has cheated and lied, he says he is socially awkward, but he literally lights up a busy room, chatting away to strangers, making inappropriate jokes and making the women feel like he could be interested in them. The truth is I don't like the fact that I am naive and I stand attached to a wall in social settings, that I hide away from the world and I was/am obsessed with him. Yes I am able to say he is/was my obsession since we met, I loved him totally, forgave him leaving, calling me names, lying and cheating I loved him so much.

Am I so Aspie that I can not see that in fact, I am the narcissist? He tells me that I am the cause of our problems, I am stressy and nit picking, both things I can see are true! Am I seeking to label him to make myself feel better, justify my own shortfalls? I do not know!

Right now I am in the position where he has been gone for a month (he always kept a rented room as his safety net, as it was close to where his children live in the city). He has sent me messages such as 'I never want to hear from you again if I do it will only be easier to hate you' and then I love you, you are my soul mate, you were an excellent amazing girlfriend and I want to sort this out all within hours of each other.

I think I am losing my mind, all I want to do is sleep, I feel like a shell. Am I being overly dramatic and I need to listen to him, or is this something else? I do not know?!

Sorru but autism is one thing and being a complete dick is another. Autism isn't a reason to be horrible and cheat on the one you love. He sounds like he is using as an excuse to do whatever he wants

I think you may be better off leaving this man. Especially if he says things like "no one else will ever love you" "your a b***h" "your ugly" "your a slut" in fact any name calling is a massive red flag!

Autism is such a varied spectrum so please know not all autistic men are like what you described.

Well, he has definitely never said any of those things, he just called me a stupid b***h and if I tried to talk to him he would just shout over the top of me. (explaining later that it was a meltdown and he couldn't help himself?) As a direct reflection, he actually says I am the most amazing person he has met and so forth. It is definitely not so clear cut.

That's fair enough but cheating and putting all the responsibilities on you just isn't fair. You are an aspie as well and having all that stress must be really hard.

I am also in a 3 year relationship with a man who leaves the financial responsibility to me. The other day I had enough and told him how much it was stressing me out and that I cannot sort out his finances as well as my own. He apologised and is working on it now.

If everytime you try to confront him he goes into meltdown (I'm not saying he is just that if he does) then he is never going to sort out the issue between you 2.

Also no one cheats out of naivety if he didn't know it was wrong then why did he imhide it from you. That takes alot of work

He's not a nice sort of guy. I think you love him and are fascinated with him despite his faults.

I would still seek someone else. He's not going to make you happy because he seems to be....a narcissist.

Cheating is usually a relationship breaker because so much depends on trust. You can't trust someone who cheats and lies, no matter how charming they can be.

Thank you guys, I was looking for others opinions and I got a couple quite quickly. As you know it's difficult when you really don't get how others think, I just had this fear that I was indeed the root of the problem, in which case I didn't want to lose him. You are right I am fascinated, there is no doubt I love him, he is captivating and the love of my life. But I am very dejected from all of this and my immune system is traumatised.

It absolutely sounds like he is taking advantage of you and there were several red flags in what you said that would make me rethink a relationship like that.

Sounds like my mother, who is a Narcissist.

Everything is always someone else's fault. All crap aside, that's the biggest issue.

It doesn't also have to be either/or. It could be that he has both NPD and Asperger's. On the other hand, he could be a Narcissist who was misdiagnosed with Asperger's. There can be an overlap or symptoms, not so much in meeting criteria, but if a mental health provider doesn't delve underneath enough, things can get mixed up. For example, empathy can be present (even if not shown clearly) in an Aspie, but it is absent (or severely lacking) in someone with NPD. Both can also have a tendency to be self-focused on their own interests/needs/time for self, etc - but obviously for completely different reasons. I've always seen people with Asperger's (including myself) as people who usually end up hurting people's feelings on accident (not intentionally/on purpose), however, a Narcissist does not actually care who they hurt, unless it ends up backfiring on them - for example, and they can no longer get what they want out of a person. Very different reasons, but on the surface can be misdiagnosed when not looking closer at the person. A relationship with a narcissist at the very least is quite toxic because they will not change. The fact is, their primary concern is me, myself, and I. Just my two cents.

Very good points, thank you. I did think his diagnosis was not quite complete, thy saw him a couple of times, the first saying they didn't think Aspergers, the second time they tentatively said yes to it, he has no family to give history and as I have since discovered he is an actor. So I think you hit the nail on the head, he says himself he scores very low on empathy quizzes and he says actually feels little or no empathy. He deliberately aims to cause pain with his messages to me such as this evenings one telling me he was going out on a date and it was all my fault as I had pushed him away. He knew I would be sitting here alone.

You can have Asperger's and still be a jerk and it is possible for a narcissist to get misdiagnosed with Asperger's because they are so manipulative and if the doctor knows nothing about NPDs, they can misdiagnose autism in someone.

Unless he has had a proper evaluation done and seen a therapist for a while for them to rule out anything, it might not even be a real diagnoses. Is it even written down on paper and in his records? If not, I wouldn't take his diagnoses seriously.

But is it possible to be an aspie and still be a narcissist, definitely.

Thank you. It was helpful to hear/read more about your interactions with this man. Since he is doing and saying mean things deliberately (and not unintentionally) which are hurtful - that is not a good sign. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, and I believe that deep down you already know what he is doing is being done on purpose, and it's wrong for him to do this.

I hope that you choose to never "settle" for him or anyone else, you deserve so much more, although an emotionally abusive person will never tell you this. They want to keep the other person waiting for them, no matter what they do or say. You are worth so much more than that.

It can be hard to break off with a guy like that, because the good times are so good....but the thing is, part of the reason why the good times seem so good is that you instinctively compare them with the bad times, so of course they seem extra good. If that makes sense.

A healthy relationship doesn't have these crazy mood swings.

How long can you survive this? Long term, what are the consequences for your health?

I think you may be 'seeking to label him', as a way to self-preserve, and this might be on a subconscious level, which can make it hard to know, or understand what is truly taking place, within. Your post exudes desparation and you must be feeling quite depleted. I am going to be frank, because, you are a fellow human who has, simply, lost your way, and possibly, struggling to emotionally and mentally survive. Let me assure you that you are not a bad person, nor are you responsible, or, at fault for the abuse that you have endured, nor anyone else' behavior. You may feel like 'a shell' of yourself, because he has likely stripped you of all of the goodness you had to give, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. You will reestablish it. I assure you of this. Your mind is probably in constant overdrive, in desperate need of rest and healing. Perhaps you will consider this time that he is away, to begin to heal your heart and mind. You simply got caught in chaos and confusion, as the result of his behaviour, but you can recover all of yourself, and take back your power and self-worth. You have ti want it, however.

There doesn't need to be a label or diagnoses, for you to know that a person's treatment is detrimental to you and your well-being. You deserve to be treated with kindless, love and respect.

Perhaps you will consider, leaving the abuse behind, and begin to heal yourself, and work towards loving yourself 110%, because that is what you are worth, and more. You are deserving of kindness, love and respect. Don't settle for anything less. x

Thank you all, the honesty is greatly appreciated. I miss him every day, but I know for my own long term happiness I have to move on without him.