Frustrated being autistic

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Hi all,

May this be confrontal because I am autistic. I understand every word I say or what I do is offensive to you. Please don't take this language seriously because I am not trying to be aggressive or harmful or inappropriate. I just don't know how I become like you, the non-autistic mind. I am very logical and analytical person because science is my passion and my world.

I am very frustrated person because I lose everything like that don't give back to me, especially like 'I thought I deserve this', etc. It hurt my feelings in reflection that neurotypicals (non-autistic people) treat me like a child and punish me like losing a friend or jinx a social situation. This makes me anxious and depressive. I can't stop this because I can't read people body language, social cues and I don't speak in a social manner. I speak more like a logical manner. I try so hard to be social person, like the way how people socialise in conversations but I just can't hear people so well because of my hearing loss. I tend to miss out more than half of the conversations.

Both being autistic and hard of hearing is too difficult than just having one disability. I couldn't focus both at the same time because of social communication conflicting each others. I face criticism, ignorant and presumptive behaviour from neurotypicals because they think or react to me I am having mental health illness or something. I faced rejections from women all the time it is because I don't show enough emotions. I couldn't trigger it because my mind doesn't tell me anything about it, since emotions are nonverbal. It is so easy for my life when neurotypicals do it verbally.

I may have turned 26, and I have so much going on my life positively because I have jobs, friends, family, traveling, public speaking opportunities and leaderships. Those don't make myself more happier than I thought because I am missing connection with people such as close relationships that include mutual feelings, intimacy and love. It so difficult for me to stay positive because I face similar challenges as 7 years ago. It so hard to find right people for me because I get criticised easily and that helps me to stay negative. I can't be positive when negative things are too direct and punishable. It doesn't work that way. Sometimes I felt to blame my disabilities.

It so difficult to have people empathy towards my feelings, who I am, my presence in social situations and my purpose of activities such as leadership role. I just don't understand why neurotypicals are very sensitive to my autistic traits which that are out of my control. Educationally, I am aware my autism impacts you and how it does judge things but it not my responsibility causing these influences because autism is a disability and it is designed who I am. I have accepted the fact I am autistic, and hard of hearing. Though I don't see much empathy from many people treating me in same way as I am treating myself since all the aspirations I am doing.

I felt excused and punished by the society. I ever wondered if I ever going to have a normal life without judgments. A relationship/marriage, intimacy and support.

You're actually doing darn good, despite your autism.

I can understand your frustration, though.

Don't blow all the good, by concentrating on the bad.

How I am doing so well when I have nothing to offer in return?

But your date must feel attraction, not empathy. Dating is not fair and there's nothing we can do about it.

Then I should end myself then because this autistic is not livable and it not what I wanted. I will be unhappy forever and don't want to feel unhappy. I can't change what things I want to do in my life. I want a girlfriend, I want sex, I want skinny dipping (non-sexual). Missing them altogether out is miserable life like I am 26 today and its sh***y. I hate people telling me to go for a sex worker, tinder and stuff that doesn't exist before technology shallow culture.

Women are not your therapist. I learned that the hard way in life, and felt really humilated about it. Especially when they were strangers. The douchebag express train will always arrive and always be back too, so don't let those jackasses tell you how to date.

Autism never going to be a therapist either. It is because our minds is trapped negatively and stuck in shallow and ableism toxic culture. We had to learn the NTs way to get fit with them, but we couldn't because our brains designed autistic way. There no cure nor change required due to no surgeries. NTs have more abilities to change than us because their minds are different and flexible. Mine can't.

I will be always to be unhappy because of no empathy nor change from the NT world called planet Earth. No women sess me attractive because I am autistic and negative trap since I have been bullied, traumatised, tourted, bagged at, tossed at, naive at and discriminated.

Ecomatt, you're giving yourself reasons to disregard yourself and put yourself down. Communities have different cultures and different types of people, because you are the odd one out, you need to give people time to trust you. That's the same with having a friend first, and then a girlfriend next. She needs time to figure you out to make a wise decision. Look past stereotypes too, because all of them can be proven wrong.

But some women are equally discriminated in this NT world. Have you tried dating someone like that?

Who is that?

All autistic women here are all lesbians, asexual, taken by someone and others severely disabled. Ther eno chances here

Don't worry about it. You're doing far better in life than I am.

People, even NT's, have to deal with the "negative" aspects of their lives.

I'm thinking your mood stems from the fact that you still haven't found a soulmate. Because the others parts of your life are quite intact. You might not be "perfect" socially--but at least you're out there making presentations, and meeting people.

Why deny the good and intact aspects of your life? I don't find that this makes sense logically.

Truthfully, there are people, both neurodiverse and neurotypical, who would kill to have accomplished what you've accomplished.

My wife has some autistic traits (heavily into routine, HATES noise, generally dresses very plain, etc) and she is none of these. She is also drop dead gorgeous and looks about half her age (and many others have confirmed this: she still gets carded regularly). She was 38 when I met her and she had only one serious boyfriend (and he is a total loser). I actually recognized this because she communicated just like a former member of this site.

I met her the week after I said (after years of frustration and rejection) that I no longer give a f*** and can thrive no matter what.

I doubt that "most" autistic women on this Site are lesbians.

I bet it is more the negative trap bit than that you are autistic. Lets be real no one wants to start a relationship with someone who's really negative and bitter, whether you have autism or not, that kind of stuff pushes people away. I've had a difficult past and have struggled with depression and negativity myself, but I have been working on it...

I don't think I would have a relationship if I had just given up on myself and decided 'well this is it, can't do anything whatsoever about my situation or disabling conditions, I'll just be miserable forever.'

Also you seem to want a lot of empathy and understanding from other people, but you constantly talk about how neurotypicals are shallow, less logical than you, confused, lost in life and all kinds of judgements about them... and come off like you think you're morally and mentally superior than all them despite your struggles. Perhaps you should have a little understanding towards them to, and not always be looking for what they do wrong.

Alright, fine its my problem that I caused myself in negative trap. My fault, sorry! I regret it.

I am trying to say by how NTs react to me, like the empathy posts I shared on my Facebook I did made sense because I used grammar check online and that. I scored 25 likes out of 495 friends on women's day thing yesterday. My other friends have over 100 likes out of 600-ish friends. Think about how people react to someone is trying to be empathetic and sensible towards good things that is equality wise and equitable.

It same applies to other posts I shared and that. Others always have more attention span than towards me. I always made sure my posts are clear and edited. The friendship theory applies here: quality is better than quantity, but it quite obvious in these cases because the more people accept and gained attention towards you in larger numbers is the more privileged person you are. I know people told me Facebook isn't real and stuff, but this also happens at meetings especially with Greens party when I talk about disability rights collaborate with women and sexuality rights. No one really getting engaged into a conversation. They appear so lost and illogical.

My point about lack of empathy is not understanding me and my cases that I am trying to be a good person for myself because it makes myself feel good and happy by helping, caring and supporting people. Isn't that nice way? People should feel flattered. So see my example above, people show empathy towards other people because they don't have autism nor have disabilities. They are 'normal' able bodied people who have no barriers that scare people away. I am seeking empathy because it helps me to learn about life. I don't want to learn the negative thing which is on my mental strength because it stressing me out too much. I am extremely logical and analytical person so I am smart enough to deal with good and positive things.