Kindred spirit

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Probably much more common than I'd make it seem but I've found yet another person with just as much self esteem issues as I have, after so long going without. Maybe it's better not to, probably better really, just can't relate to people who are healthy and level headed lol. And I never give good advice, I just end up dragging people down with me into self pity cause it's all I know to do, and at this point I don't care enough to change. Just wish I could stop catching feelings for people in the same boat because it always ends in some disaster and this time it's the most unrealistic it's been in a while.

Yeah I kind of understand that. I feel like I've got more in common with slightly broken people. How could someone who's got it all together like me? A broken person could like me. And would understand me.

Got myself into a mess last year with that sort of connection. Must try not to do that again and find someone positive. But I never believe the positive sorts can relate to or want me.

After a certain age (basically after 25, and becomes exponentially worse after 30), all the singles of your age who are still seeking and never had a significant relationship before; are broken people, in one way or another - no exception - including you (and myself).

You only get one chance at life, so if it could work out why pass up the opportunity? I always think that my older self would tell me to live a little and to take each day as it comes, but to be realistic about limitations.

Thing is she's said repeatedly she's not looking for anyone at the moment - not directly to me but to the rest of the chat; back in January I started using this video chat app which is pretty much how I met her. A lot of people seem pretty shallow, of both genders, and it seems to show it sells in the statistics in views and etc. This one person seems a lot more down to earth and yet a lot of guys and girls badger her. I can't blame people for trying but just not something I bother with personally. Probably why it seems her and I have got along regularly. I don't know why but she'll watch me play games cuz I'd rather do that than show my face, but either way I'm not very entertaining. Main thing is she lives pretty far and neither of us want to do long distance with anyone.

Meant to write more earlier but had to get back to work.

Sorry to hear that Hurtfloam. Pretty much the same I guess. Only I feel it's up to people like us to try to better ourselves before pursuing normal people. Then again, realistically, we should know our limits, and I believe Boo is right in that way, so who knows. Maybe broken people are just destined for each other or some such, whether that means any kind of happy ending or cycles of rejection or unhealthiness.

So today was a bit differentish. To put in a bit of context, well, while I don't like to air out others' dirty laundry much, it's a little important here and I won't give any names. She's a couple years older than me, has moved back in with her mother after a long period on her own, has lost her job and license, seems to be as much of a loner as I am. So she spends a lot of her time on this app and it seems to be the only social thing for her right now.

Only today she's said she's had to clean. Not unusual, seems her mother expects her to, but tends to not take all afternoon. Today it seems to have, and she asked me if I would play some game for her to watch while she was busy. I don't know how, maybe she mostly just listened, or just didn't want to do much of anything. I don't really get it, would have been just fine with texting or whatever. Sure she's a gamer herself, but signs point to her, to me at least, not being on the spectrum, just too embarrassed to go out, and not really the type to find what I do at all interesting. But perhaps I'm entirely misjudging from appearance and personality quirks.

Entertaining the notion isn't going to help or matter much as I don't plan on telling her any of this anyway. Enough experience tells me to definitely not to, being most have left without a word. Don't want to go through that bs for the thousandth time. I can just feel stress piling on again from keeping it secret when I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. Probably a combination of that and fear of pilonidal sinus surgery on Tuesday, and three weeks off work to sit around doing nothing.

Once again I've been right to backpedal and assume the worst. Always ends up this way.

I don't know if anyone can help me out here. Day to day it's like hot and cold. Maybe not angry cold but just not seeming to care. Other days she seems to almost want my attention. I guess I've known that for a while now in general but I may just be more frustrated by it now with not knowing how to deal with it. I'd rather not make her upset on a bad day but it's almost just as bad if I leave her be for a bit.

The hot and cold approach/inconsistency would confuse me too much and lead me to over think.
Maybe she needs some time to focus on herself and a friend with some boundaries.

I suppose you may be right. And I may overreact, and probably overthink a lot of things. She'd told me she was obsessed with another friend one night, which caused me to write the post before last, and had subsequently told me she would try to forget them, seeing as he's seemingly left for whatever reason. When I asked, she told me she'd talk about what happened in her own time. Really trying to give space because being too obsessive is what got me a restraining order early this year, never mind loss of friends.

Even so, it is confusing, despite trying not to take much seriously. Just can't seem to help it. One night she told me not to get angry or think she was ignoring my messages. I don't really have the balls to tell her I'm just really insecure and worried I've upset her, probably wouldn't make much difference. And then other days she's been pretty glad to see me and I seem to be the only one who stays up with her late into the night. Nothing really outside of friendliness, just hard to see whether there are or aren't hints or false alarms.

One thing that's a little irritating isn't innately her but still a failing in myself. Maybe it's a bit typical for pretty women to fish for compliments, but judging from what she's told me of her past, seems that just because I and others find her attractive doesn't preclude her from having low self esteem about the way she looks. Others try to tell her she's wrong, as is understandable even if at times half hearted, but I've always found compliments annoying so I feel like I can relate and figure I won't tell her what she should think. Rather say I feel the same as she does and try to share. Maybe that's not a good approach?

So it's pretty clear I'm falling into a trap, only person to blame being myself. I guess I must not care much even knowing the almost inevitable hurt will come, just a matter of when and how. I don't know why, trying to shrug off a lot of gender roles because I don't give a s**t what's masculine or feminine, that I feel the need to comfort every poor girl who thinks so lowly of themselves. At least I don't bother with the whole territorial e-peen bs. Most of the time they just make fools of themselves in some way or another, even if they do "win".

One good thing in all this, well, she said she'd go with me for my surgery tomorrow if she could. Nothing serious, I'll be fine, just feel like crap for three weeks, but still a gesture that's uncommon for me.

Getting worse than I thought...had a dream this afternoon about her, very strange, at first showing hereof in the nude over cam and then subsequently blocking me from everything. Woke up with a wet pillow underneath, and lots of relief realizing nothing actually happened. Odd being most dreams don't tend to elicit such strong reactions from me, probably unhealthy.

Not sure whether I should bother to tell her. We've gotten along ok recently despite her figuring out some of what I feel at least. Even so it's hard to tell whether I should stay or if I'll end up doing something bad to her or myself, emotionally. I know if I leave it'll be back to having no one again for months or years and then getting hurt AGAIN, all for nothing, but if I stay, regardless of my best efforts I'll give myself false hope that she'll eventually see me in a different way, which is absolutely never realistic. So it's being selfless vs selfish I guess and at the end of the day it's hard to care about morals anymore.