Aspie girlfriend makes me feel like her play thing

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We are in our late 30's and I am NT. She is everything I could want, smart, pretty, all the good stuff. But sometimes I feel like she is off limits.

She can literally do anything she wants to me both physically or socially, I am very tolerant and just go with the flow. But the moment I want to touch her, or kiss her, or do almost anything she reacts negatively! We been dating over a year and she claims she has grown to trust me but I still feel like I'm some sort of criminal whenever I try to do anything.

Makes me feel bad, but she is so over the top touchy-feely that it seems to balance it out. I just wonder if this is something that can ever change or is she just going to forever be freaked out by me? If I kiss her she pulls away, if I touch her she pulls away, if I make any sort of sudden movement she jumps away. In the beginning it was cute but now it's sort of driving me crazy

If this has been consistent for over a year of dating, it is quite possible that it will never change. Touch sensitivity can manifest in aspies, but does not always manifest and is rarely this severe. Alternately, it could be from another cause entirely: anything from a comorbid disability to trauma in childhood. A touch-sensitive person may be less sensitive to someone close to them, but after a year of dating you have probably crossed that threshold.

Have you tried talking with her about it? She may have some idea why she feels the way she does. Is she sensitive to being touched by family members such as parents or siblings?

Or - is she simply being discreet about sexual contact prior to marriage?

There are a lot of possibilities, but without more info the rest of us can only guess.

Did you ever have sex together?

Why, I has identified your problem for you, you Aspie-girlfriend-flaunting NT, you ! /glare

Yes she says she hates hugging her parents or anyone in general. In beginning I wasn't allowed to touch her at all unless she is initiating it. We been having sex regularly since first week we met, but even that she is pretty much 100% in control of, almost always on top and running the show. Same goes for kissing, every time I see her she latches onto my face but if I try to do that she pulls away, everything feels one sided.

Even though the sex has been pretty much vanilla I just keep thinking some day she will allow me to make some of the initializing with touch and such. It's incredibly frustrating and leaves me feeling unloved, but then when she is all over me I kinda forgive it all. Being touched is nice, just wish I could have some control as to when it happens. She chooses when and how she wants it, always. Even if I'm in middle of cooking or trying to work on computer she will be like a spider monkey and cling onto me, if I ever did that she would scream and run out the room.

It's so weird to me, and I'm trying to adapt.

Nope, it will always be her due to her sensitivities.

I think you have "bumped into" a woman that don't like controlling men. You'll have to live with that. Not even sure if this is related to sensitivities or not. It could just be her nature to want to be in control of things. After all, this is not so uncommon among Aspie women.

The hugging thing is also an Aspie / neurodiverse thing. At least the desire not to like hugs unless it's with a partner is a pretty common neurodiverse trait. The combination with only allowing this when she is initiating it is related to the "control thing".

So, no, I don't think you will be able to change any of this. You'll have to live with her initiating, which is not so bad after all.

She will probably never get over the flinch response--it's as natural to her as closing your eyes when something flies at your face. She can probably brace herself for your touch if you give her some warning, though. Try using your words: "I'm going to kiss your beautiful face right now" or "Come here, I'd like to hug you" to initiate contact.

i don't think it's that she is freaked out by you but that she's freaked out by touch and the only way she feels comfortable with it is when she is in control of it. and being autistic, she probably has a hard time reading your body language and predicting when you're going to want to initiate touching her, and so each time you do this you are unintentionally attacking her by surprise. i think arielhawksquill's verbal warning advice is a great way for you to try to have some control too.

but i am wondering how much you've discussed this issue with your girlfriend?

Lot's of people on the spectrum have tactile sensitivity, which means that they are sensitive to touch. So, it's not you. Why not let her know before hand, like "Would it be okay if I gave you a hug right now?"