Confusing Messages from crush

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I very much like a guy who I suspect has aspergers but I can't be sure. Friends have commented on how he is socially awkward, his lack of eye contact and how he becomes agitated if you don't immediately grasp what he is saying or if something is said that embarrasses him.
We are at the same sports club and got chatting at a party which is the first time we actually managed to hold a conversation, despite a year of saying hi to each other. The conversation was very stilted with me doing most of the talking...
A few weeks ago he text me to say hello after I sent him a FB friend request and I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk with me to which he said yes. I ended going to him for lunch as the weather was bad. We spent some time together. He asked about other guys at our sports club and I told him truthfully that I liked only him. When I went to leave I suggested a hug to which he was very disappointed. We ended up kissing very passionately. I did not hear from him at all following that, despite him initiating contact that first week. The next week when I saw him after our kiss, I asked him if I had made a fool of myself and he said 'no you didnt' and we kissed again, twice. That night we went out to dinner in a group and he was very openly asking about my last experiences of sex. He seems to have a high sex drive. When I left to meet my own friends he followed me and suggested I don't go back to them immediately- I stated directly that I wasn't interested in casual sex and when I asked 'what do you want?' He replied 'I want you', come round for another date. I saw him the following day and he was always warm and made time for me when I initiated contact and we kissed in private. The following day I text him to ask if he wanted to go to dinner and he hasn't responded. Whenever I send a text that deals with feelings he does not reply but acts normally /warmly in person but only when I initiate the conversation. Could it be that he's just not that into me? Or he wanted to be friendly initially and got more than he antipated when I told him I like him? The last time I saw him before I asked him for dinner he gave me a very big hug and wide smile of his own volition so I don't understand why he didn't respond at all to my invite for dinner?

Something to consider - you might benefit from reading personal experiences in the forum on the site below.

Alexithymia affects 10% of the general population.

Wiki for Alexithymia:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexithymia

An online test and forums for Alexithymia:
http://www.alexithymia.us/test-alex.html

For myself, I am highly impacted by Alexithymia.

When my GF speaks or sends texts that are emotional I shutdown do to an overwhelming block to respond to those feelings, I simply can't find the words. It is easier in person as my coping mechanisms kick in and I act out a learned response based upon my observations, which helps the individual interact with me.

This is a condition that is best known and understood up front so each individual knows what is in front of them and not. As an example, when my GF tells me something personal and emotional my response is now "I know you do". We both know that my response will never be anything more.

Have you asked this guy if he has researched aspergers / autistic spectrum?

Are you on the spectrum?

I'm asking because your description of his behavior are traits of aspergers, obviously that does not indicate a diagnosis or that he understand those traits and how he copes to fit in.

One more comment:

If he was brave enough to risk being socially awkward / inappropriate with conversation regarding sex - then he is probably interested in the moment and possibly that moment with you. If he is not aware of aspergers and Alexithymia then your questions and comments towards him need to be very gentle and delicate, otherwise he will shutdown.

I hope my comments help - your best source of information is obviously a face to face conversation with him.

I don't get it. From what the man you have a crush on and went to dates on. Did he only like you for sex? Because if so. Tell him that you don't wanna be in a relationship for sex. Your in there for emotional reasons.

Thanks Keigan - that's a really informative response!
I don't feel I know him well enough yet to ask him about an aspergers diagnosis at the moment since we have only spent four hours alone together when we first hung out at his house and then a few kisses at the sports club which we have tried to keep private.
Does this mean he possibly doesn't actually know how he feels about me or he actually only has those feelings in that moment?
I don't mind initiating contact but how can I tell if I'm making a pest of myself? The last thing I would want to do is unduly pressurise him; he seems to have a good sense of right and wrong and is genuinely interested in helping people develop in our sport.
I do not believe I am on the spectrum although I am a very honest person and like to be upfront as this is the way I was raised. I normally have no problems generating conversation so I'm not sure this would be consistent with aspergers. Thanks once again.

Corny, I was very direct about this and have made it clear I am not interested in casual sex. His response was to say 'so what you're saying is that we should have some serious sex? As opposed to casual?' He was still very friendly the next day even though I told him I'm not interested in sex alone.

Yeah because sex isn't the main thing in the relationship. Heck I don't even want to do sex ever. Because I don't want to ever become a dad. Even if I had a condom since even with that there's a chance that my condom breaks and sperm leaks into the women and then in 9 months. I'm a dad. Because it's the emotions you have and relations you have and how fun it is to be with them.

He might know how he feels though he might not know how to express it in words - or he expresses his care through actions which is not the same as feeling.

I think he may have taken "I don't want to have casual sex" as you saying what you guys have is just casual, and now he's confused as to how to make it serious. I think he's truthful when he says he wants you. When I get emotionally charged texts, I take long to respond, because I need to figure out my own feelings, and then figure out how to put them into words, then I have to overanalyze what I've written and probably re-write it a few times. An open and honest conversation between four eyes might be better.

best of luck!

Oh dear. In trying to be clear about my intentions, I see I have only confused him. I think my text clarifying that I needed to get to know and trust him first may have been too wordy; and I wonder how much of this he took in...

He said the other night 'well, come round again for afternoon tea' so it appears he didn't understand me after all in that I would rather go out for dinner than round to his place again where sex could easily happen.

I'm also a little bit baffled that he didn't respond at all to my invite 'to go out for dinner one night this week' even though I said 'I won't be offended if the answer's no; just let me know either way' This just leads me to think he doesn't want to date, only to have sex.

I think all of the replies received are right - I need to talk to him. It's just how to make that happen when we rarely seem to be alone and he doesn't respond to my texts!

Thanks Wolfram87.

Now, I'm me and he's him, but I can see a few possibilities here. On the one hand, maybe he didn't understand, and is still hoping to have sex with you. Aspie guys are still guys, and given most of us having trouble with "normal" communication, I think many of us regard sex as the deepest and most genuine way we have to express our affection. Still, it takes two to tango, and if you're not up for it, he should be rebuffed.

On the other hand, I don't think you should interpret an invitation to his place as necessarily meaning he's going to try to get you into bed. Restaurants are noisy, messy and crowded places where it's hard to have a good time, much less an actual, heartfelt conversation. I know I'd feel pretty exposed, having the conversation you need to have in a public forum. Plus, cooking for one another is an excellent way to show affection. I understand the need for a meeting on "neutral ground", but given the nature of the situation, I dont know what a fair compromise would be.

I understand the frustration with the unanswered texts, but I don't think you should read too much into it. I've been the guy on the other end of that conversation. Staring at the screen, finger hovering over the "reply"-button, and being inches away from an anxiety attack because I had no idea what to say, or how. It's no picnic. The first time I had a girl over to my place, I accidentally broke a ceiling lamp with my escrima sticks minutes after she left, in a fruitless attempt to ease the anxiety generated from trying to process...well, everything.


Hope any of that helps.

Ha! Funny mental image of going wild with the escrima sticks!
That really does help and gives me enough confidence to give it one last shot to talk to him. If it doesn't work; at least I can say I well and truly tried! Honestly, thanks.

Definitely a "well...s**t!" moment for me. Went from feeling agitated to feeling agitated and stupid.

And I'm happy to help! Best of luck, and I hope it works out.

I read an article once about that exact phrasing. Men don't understand it. They like direct communication. I can't find the article.

We know it means, "I want to see you, but I don't want to pressure you and push you away."

Men just see garbled mess: "She says she wants to go out, she's doesn't care if I say no, so that means she doesn't care at all, so what's the point. I'm not going to reply."

They say men aren't complicated

It amazes me that any men and women get together. We communicate so differently.