Touch

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I'm NT newly dating someone I believe is ND. I'm working on verbalizing exactly what I want in the bedroom, not very easy when you break it down into it's smallest parts to describe. I began to notice that he does not initiate and that I am doing a lot of the active activity. I will touch him and kiss him in ways that he's indicated he likes for long time periods. He cuddles a lot more than anyone I've known, it's wonderful, but doesn't really touch me a lot. I started telling him specific ways he can touch me and how much I like it and that it makes me feel cared for. This helped, but he still has habit of touching or kissing me for 10 seconds then stopping. It gives me the impression at times that he doesn't want me. But when I pull back from giving lots of affection I get the impression that he feels like I don't want him. I've tried asking him to do it longer, but maybe longer is not a specific time frame. I feel a bit odd saying touch my ear for 5 minutes and my neck for 10 minutes. But if it will help I will? Any tips on how I can do better in communicating with him? Maybe I need to communicate the same idea over and over rather than once or twice. I do praise him when he does what I asked, which I feel stupid doing sometimes, but I try really hard to make myself say it outloud.

Sometimes it does take being that specific and detailed.
And sometimes it's that us guys are "Okay, I did that. What's the next thing to do." simply because we're guys.
Subconscious then conscious thoughts run like, Okay, I did that. Oh, you want me to keep doing that.

Maybe your boyfriend is like me when it comes to touching. He doesn't like it when people touch. But he does it for a few seconds and realizes "Crap! Why am I doing this to her? I don't like people touching me. So I shouldn't do it to other people." He probably just doesn't want people touching him. I'm the same way. But he still loves you and likes you a lot. Just doesn't like to be touched that much.

I'm asexual so I don't know much about the intimate side of touch, but I'm hypersensitive to touch especially if it's light. A brush against my arm can make my skin crawl (it feels like someone dropped a worm on me) but a hug isn't as bad (unless it's a group hug, those are always awkward). But even then I can only tolerate hugs for a short time and it depends on how overwhelmed I am in general. Because of this, it can be hard to learn the rules of touch. Little things like "how hard should I be squeezing her hand?" "how long should a hug last?" can trip me up. Maybe your boyfriend is like that. Try asking him how touch makes him feel and what he likes to do.

I switched early on from any light touch to firm pressure. I think he genuinely loves cuddling me, it's more of the additional touch of rubbing my ear or head or neck, etc. than the snuggling together touch. I brought it up and suggested specific ways and place, the only thing I left out was how long and maybe how to vary it with different pressure from light to heavy, fast to slow, etc. I started to wonder if it is just that he doesn't like this touch on him or if it doesn't feel good on his hand when giving it.
BC I also got worried that maybe he doesn't like it I asked him specifically about some of the ways I touch him and if he likes it or not, bc I touch his head a lot and it's not pressure touch, but he indicated it's good. The only thing he said is that I kiss a lot,I already knew he is not into that so much and closed mouth, so I'm trying to be less liberal with this. He does not like my hair brushing him. So some things he makes a very clear distinction.
I'm puzzled by a lot. I will have to keep asking and volunteering information with him on this. The thing is I feel like a weirdo going into this detail. I don't know if he will find me to be a weirdo for asking about how strong or light of a touch he likes, etc. Would you find this odd in conversation if you weren't bringing it up yourself and your NT person just started talking in great detail about this?

No, it's not odd to be very specific. It's helpful. When I read what you wrote, I was surprised you actually meant as long as 5 or 10 minutes. I would have done seconds with that suggestion as well.

My husband and I have games. One has cards like "describe a fantasy". That kind of thing might feel less awkward, maybe? Of course, don't assume describing a fantasy will happen unless you specifically say, "hey, let's try it!" or whatever.

I'd stay away from praise ("good job") and stick with gratitude/appreciation ("that feels so good"/"thank you"). It feels more respectful. You might have meant that though.

^^Nah it's come up with me, I'm REALLY squirmy. TBH in the right contexts I've found this quite funny.

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And I'm glad you are being specific now, by the way.

10 years in, my husband mentions I don't hold hands "back", hug "back", etc. It's hard to change what I don't know about. And, of course, I want him to feel loved!

Aspies tend to be good book learners. Locate some books with the sort of things you like, and have him read them. At his own pace and with time to process them. These books can be anything from straight up sex instruction manuals to more erotica-oriented literature (avoid 50 shades!). I know I've paused a few times reading a variety of works and just gone "Oh, I am SO remembering that one". Though a discerning eye will be necessary.

With a helpful and supportive partner, I'm sure he'll improve in no-time.


Also, with the kissing/touching and pulling back thing; it sounds to me like he's afraid to overstay his welcome, so to speak. I'd love it if a woman straight up gave me free reign to explore her with a promise that she'll tell me to stop if she wants me to.