"Don't get married"

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I am hearing a lot of this from married or previously married men lately, and from different backgrounds too (Christian and Muslim backgrounds):
- One coworker who got married and divorced 3 times before, and married for the 4th time now, told me that all marriage experiences end up badly, and his current marriage is just business exchange.
- Another coworker was married and divorced with one child and he's like "never again"; he has a gf now but planning to stay this way.
- A night class instructor (during break) was like "Look guys, I have tried marriage and divorce, and let me tell you that: " NEVER get married, just simply cohabitate".
- A close friend of mine been married for like 2+ years, and it's going well, and he keeps telling me: "It's so tiring, don't ever do it", "I wish can go back in time (jokingly)".
- Even the cafeteria owner too did a long lecture to me today how bad marraige is, his life conclusion was "Marriage equal to self-Destruction" lol.
....etc

And this is coming from highly social NT men with very good careers or business.

So I am probably not missing out much?

You're starting to sound like my Ma. I'd still like to be married - hopefully before I'm 70.

What I find interesting are the people telling me this kind of crap have already done it - usually not just once, but several times. How come they don't follow their own advice? If I found the right guy, I believe that I'd be damn good at being a wifey. So good, in fact, that I could teach all the ones telling me not to get married a thing or two. : - p

They married the wrong people then. People in good marriages are among the happiest I've ever seen.

I don't know, I've never been married. The whole idea of marriage always striked me as being kind of ridiculous to be honest. But I doubt marriage is the thing that makes or breaks a good relationship.

My dad who's been happily married to my mum for 36 years has always said never get married or have kids.

I LOVE being married!

That said, married life is NOT easy. It's hard work. Totally worth it, but difficult.

Back in ye olden days, families formed a support system that ensured marriage and family success, and often divorce was institutionally not an option. Marriage was in part a business transaction that united families, so it more/less HAD to work.

I have no issue with marrying for love. But I also think two people in love need to get down to the nitty-gritty of marriage and objectively, non-emotionally, realistically look at whether they really have a future together.

Can you agree to put all your combined income into one bank account and share it? We didn't--until we were BOTH out of a job and ended up homeless. She ended up the breadwinner, which had formerly been my position in the home. Are you prepared to share each other's debts, pay off credit cards you don't own? Student loans? Medical bills?

What about religion? How far away from the in-laws do you want to live? Sexual intimacy? Children? How do your families feel about the two of you and each other?

Set romantic love aside and be HONEST about these things. Romantic love means NOTHING if you have no future.

I wonder how many divorces started out with couples "in love."

REAL love is something you put in action. It takes a hard look into the future and says "We can do this...we WILL do this." It sets aside all emotional whims and keeps everyone on the same page. It works, and it works HARD every single day. It's not just a funny feeling in your tummy. It's what you DO. There are lifelong couples out there, and this is reason they make it. Romantic "love" that's merely touchy-feely stuff just ain't enough.

If you can't wake up each day and make the conscious choice to love your partner through your words and actions, not merely just what you feel "in your heart," by all means don't get married. If you can't get on the same page about finance, in-laws, religion, intimacy, children, DON'T GET MARRIED.

While I am still a rookie in this marriage game, even though I have seen failed marriage after failed marriage I love being married. Not only is my wife a fantastic person and we are buying a home beyond my wildest (bachelor) imaginations, but her entire family treats me like one of their own. I agree with the sentiment that regardless of how romantic you feel you need to be on the same page with finances, children, lifestyle even *ahem* bedroom activities.

I cringe when I think about what would have happened if I married my first GF, and even my second (for opposite reasons) but the third was marriage material all the way and I have never wavered from that feeling. Another thing in favor of marriage was how happy and almost envious most divorced people I know have been towards me. Nobody has once said "you are making a mistake" or "are you sure that's a good idea". Granted she is not perfect but let's be honest: if either one of us were close to perfect we would have been scooped up a LONG time ago. In short, marriage is great but ONLY if you marry the right person for the right reasons.

Of course divorced people are going to say that marriage sucks.

You're turning into one of my bitter spinster friends who has to look at all the bad things about relationships to find solace.

It's not only the divorced people though.

I'll probably never get married but I wish so much I did, even the bad parts of it seems very nice, it's such a great bond with someone.

People don't know how to date anymore or don't think it's necessary in a fast-paced, technological world where patience is devalued yet it's the system that filters out the incompatible people over time. Our biology has developed over thousands of years and if you try to short-circuit it by rushing into things and allowing neurochemicals to cloud your judgement it will always end badly. If you were to find out what all those people with a negative attitude did in the lead-up to their marriage you would find they ignored and overlooked all the obvious red flags. It's like someone drink-driving and crashing their car and then blaming the car for the accident.

Marriage is just really a cultural construct. You don't need to be married to have an intimate and close relationship but even atheists get married for the legal benefits (like tax breaks, property rights hand so on).