i feel out of control...

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hi guys not 100% sure, this is the place to post this but I need some serious help, some advice or maybe just someone else's opinion on how I'm feeling at the minute, I got diagnosed two years ago with a combination of aspergers and adhd, which, just having some information on, has given me a huge boost of self awareness as you can imagine, being able to talk to a specialist and find out how many people actually suffer with the same problems has helped too, I got directed to this site about a year ago, but I've kind of always been the do it alone type, and have so far since being diagnosed focussed probably more on helping the neurotypicals around me to understand me than I have talked to people with the same problems as I do. but I've come across something I cant realy talk to anyone else around me about, so I just want to know if anyone else feels this way sometimes.

i'm 30 next month, and I've always had the typical overly active sex drive of someone with autism, but till two years ago I just thought I was a dirty minded guy but theres this thing I do and I've done it since i was with my first sexual partner when i was around 13. i start of liking someone, they are usually pretty amazing people, and they usually think i'm pretty likeable as well, things go pretty well for a while, and at this point i feel like I'm in what i call the myself stage, where i feel calm and can consciously see myself making good choices and wanting to, its probably the same way i feel when I've been single for a while and i feel calm and relaxed with it, however my sexual desires usually push me out of that, not having it for a while makes me pretty impulsive about it.

if i ever find someone i actually like though which i have done a few times i go through this myself stage for a few years and its like my mind begins to sabotage itself, it feels low as hell which obviously i understand with the ups and downs of my adhd. but i begin to convince myself that i don't like them and that they don't like me and its like everything i ever thought before is inaccessible to me, my brain goes into metdown and I try to get back to my on my own routine because I feel like it was better for me with the stress of being in a relationship with an aspy I guess I know i'm tough to be around but I don't want to make someones life hell or feel like a burden so I get on with things.

eventually though a few weeks after getting on with stuff someone will grab my attention, as I sed i'm a pretty likable guy, and I usually end up sleeping with someone, either casually or actually thinking this person might be something a bit different, I am very naïve, and every person I meet feels like a gamble... but usually after sleeping with them, its like my brain decides to say 'hey we're gonna let you remember how you actually feel now, and you know that last girl you were with loved you, and the way you feel when your not hyped up by all the worry and stress of never knowing peoples intentions, the things you actually want in life...are now so far out of reach mentally cus of this. a lot of people will say I wasn't with anyone so I'm not cheating, but I always feel so mixed up and like i'm robbing myself of anything good I have.

and I never learn, its like I've made the same mistake over and over and i just need some release from this because being in a relationship is becoming to look like the worst thing in the world i can do, a phobia almost, i feel like a bomb waiting to go off, so i stay on my own, i could understand it if its something i actually wanted to do, but it feels alien to rest of my character to me, i don't wanna be alone, it isn't healthy, but i don't wanna hurt anyone either, but i always do, i learned not to cheat and why it was wrong from my ex partner when my son was born 7 years ago but me and his mum broke for other reasons and ever since i have tried many relationships and ruined them all from this cause after breaking it off.

its starting to feel emotionally draining, my last relationship i was in was almost perfect, amazing girl i met in school, has two kids who are amazing and i get along with them both realy well. we're still realy good friends and she supports me a lot knowing what i have, she's still totally in love with me and i am with her... but i did what ive been talking about, and I've been since avoiding any advances from her even if i wanted it. i love this girl so much that i cant tell her cus i know it would ruin her and make her think differently of me, which coming from her perspective i would understand completely but on my own perspective, i just cant understand why i keep doing this to myself...

What would you say your true self wants? Forget about diagnosis or the expectations of society.

What do you really want?