how much abuse is too much?

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my friend has told me that my current boyfriend acts abusively sometimes and i don't necessarily disagree with her.
he can be controlling in specific ways, and his go-to argument method is trying to make me feel like an idiot or like i'm being bitchy for a stupid reason. for instance, on friday morning he told me his friend is crashing on our couch this weekend, and per usual when this kind of thing is sprung on me, i got anxious and petulant about it. to which he says i am being a b***h and he doesn't want to hear it, it's not a big deal, etc.. this is a good example of a proceeding that is not uncommon in situations where i am not on board with whatever he wants, or if i push something i want that he doesn't (like help with the housework). i don't know if it's that his NT brain can't understand my issues or if he is more aware of what he's doing than that.

there are some instances where he comes home (often drunk/high) and angry and things escalate and i can tell when it's about to get bad because his eyes get all dark and void. it's really scary. his voice changes too. he uses excessive physical force on me, yells all sorts of insults, and physically prevents me from leaving the house. he never remembers what happened in the morning, either. it doesn't happen very often but has happened consistently over the 4 years we've been together. i don't know if it's intentionally abusive or some kind of dissociative issue causing him to do things to me he wouldn't normally do, and it's not that i forgive him but that i don't even know if that thing is him. i haven't told my friend about this because maybe i'm afraid she'll convince me he's abusive enough to leave, or at least wonder why i am so stupid.

there are a lot of positives in our relationship, too, which i won't get into for the sake of length but i promise are there. our relationship is mostly good.

i'm just starting to worry that all the positives and the love and all that isn't enough to justify being with him, and i'm concerned that i have an unusually high tolerance for abuse. or maybe it's really fine and my friend is crazy and i'm overthinking. i don't know.

Frankly, this sounds like abuse to me. The classic signs.

The high/drunk thing, the preventing you from leaving your home. All classic signs of abuse. I bet he apologizes afterwards, too.

You must feel something significant towards this guy if you allow this sort of thing.

What's too much abuse? This is too much abuse.

Well since you're among the cooler people I've met on here, he's wrong for one thing. Worst thing that happens to me after too much partying is watching dumb TV. There are tons of outlets in the world for belligerence, I'd sure rather not count Seaweed among them.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Definitely abuse. You should put a stop to it somehow.

Seems like he doesn't value your input and expects you to just go along with what he wants no matter what, which certainly doesn't sound pleasant. I mean if my boyfriend wanted to have someone stay over for the weekend I am sure he'd talk to me about it first to make sure I am ok with it to..same if I was going to have someone stay over. Does he actually call you a b*** in these kinds of instances or just say you're being one? Also though not really sure how to confront him on this...ideally it sounds like he needs to try and be more considerate of you. But doesn't sound like he'd react well to being told any of that, I get the impression he'd just say you're being unreasonable and a b***. How do things go when he has a friend crashing on the couch anyways? Like are his friends ok towards you...or does it turn into you being excluded in your own house while your boyfriend and his friend socialize?

Also it is never ok for him to come home angry and proceed to take it out on you, even if he doesn't remember it all..if anything that is very concerning, what if one time he took it too far and really hurt you bad or even killed you? I mean what does he have to say for himself about that. Any implication he will try to not do that ever again, or does he think its ok for that to be any kind of regular occurrence? He probably shouldn't go get wasted when he's angry and then come and use you as his punching bag no excuse for that.

Based on this I personally don't see how any of the good bits of the relationship really make up for his complete disregard for you and your well-being..and I'd probably advise getting out of it, any abuse is too much.

Any abuse is too much.

Any abuse is too much.

I personally think any abuse is to much. And you said your boyfriend is a drunk. I usually think things by what I see on TV and movies. And I seen relationships like that. With Homer and Marge on The Simpsons. Sorry if I started talking about a cartoon on here.

If possible, be sure his friends are as aware of everything as yours are. No matter your decisions you can draw a bolder circle around your person simply by making your thoughts known.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos